Shared affections

When I had my second son I included my first, who was three, in absolutely everything from the time I knew I was pregnant onwards. When his brother was born he was my/his first visitor, he had helped decorate the the new baby's room, picked his first toys and he phoned relatives to tell them the news. When I brought the baby home sometimes doing things for the baby took forever with his 'help', and I felt twice as tired, but it was worth it. The new baby was as much his as mine and my DH. The only stipulation I made was he must never pick him up unless I was there. They're in their forties now, as different as could be, but still as close as when they were little. (Destroying a child's toys in front of him is the cruellest thing I've ever heard. Reading this gave me the same sick feeling I get reading children have been physically abused. Perhaps these parents need reminding who is supposed to be the grownups.)

This little boy needs extra love and affection as he is suddenly sidelined . When my daughter had her second baby I was there to help and made sure the elder one had plenty of attention and as a result we have a lovely close relationship not just with him but the younger one too.

Just awful. Can't the parent's figure your GS will associates his sibling with his broken toys and that he/she is causing the situation. The parents really need to waken up and realise they are causing the situation by not giving enough attention to your GS. They should be over praising him if he helps in any way eg fetching items, putting stuff back in place, he needs to be treated as if he is the most important person in the home. I would not be able to ignore the parent's actions. Could you give your GS some special time, doing activities with him to try to make him feel special.

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Exactly, then I was cancelled

This post has me in tears. Of frustration and sadness.
The poor parents just dont get it.
The poor eldest child has no options.
Sorry but its hit home for me.

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Absolutely, i would say something too. That is cruel beyond words. He just needs a lot of love and attention and the behaviour will gradually stop.

Hello Maine52.
I have thought about this all morning and it breaks my heart to hear how this 5 year is being treated.
This little one needs lots of tender loving care and understanding.
Of course she feels left out and this is having an effect and needs instruction but not as her parents are doing
I am Grandma to 4 children ranging in age from 8 down to 3 in two different families and I have seen how they reacted to a new sibling

What is happening to this little one is bordering on mental abuse.
Ok take the toy away but no way should it be broken ,- what on earth is this little one thinking when this happens.
I feel the parents need counselling.

I will be praying for you all.

f77ms

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Absolutely, i would say something too. That is cruel beyond words. He just needs a lot of love and attention and the behaviour will gradually stop.

Yes, me too.

I did suggest a way upthread, of Maine52 chatting to her DD from the approach of wondering why he is behaving badly, perhaps buying the book she suggested and finding ways to help.

It wouldn't be a good idea to approach from the angle of the parents' doing everything wrong (although they are).

Bloody awful way to behave
I’d have to say something if it was my grand child

I've experienced this with a member of my family. Not quite as bad but it was heartbreaking to see the little chap who had been the centre of the universe suddenly stood in a corner with nobody paying him much attention and nobody interested in his paintings and snakes and ladders etc

Breaking toys is an absolute no-no. That could lead to much bigger problems in the future.

I ended up offering to take the older boy to give the parents a rest and this worked well. It gave M&D time to bond with bab y and me and the elder chap had some fine fun.

All is OK now, thankfully. The boys are early teens and still fighting like mad but no favourites !

When parents get it wrong it impacts children forever.
When I was about 6 I had a china tea-set which was my favourite toy, My brother was 4 years younger, a toddler, so I wouldn't let him play with it. My father told me if I didn't share he'd throw it in the bin (similar to breaking it??) and wouldn't listen to my reasons for not sharing. The tea-set was duly thrown in the bin but from that moment on I resented my little brother, was scared of my father and wary of my mother for not intervening.
I'm 67 now and have never forgotten, nor forgiven this incident although as I got older, I did realise that it wasn't my brother's fault and grew up trying to love him and look out for him as best I could.

We have a very partial and incomplete description of the event.

OP has background info in this board - feeling abandoned by daughter, for example.

There is more involved in this situation that is not mentioned and meets the eye

But is it our place to join the dots Hithere? Afterall we could get it as wrong g as you seem to think the op has.

I'd have a word with the health visitor (via Reception at gp if you can't find number) if I were you. This can't go on.

I was 5 when my sister was born; suddenly all the attention was switched.
They need to include their little boy in everything to do with his sibling, cuddling up with Mum and the baby at feeding time, 'helping' with bathtime, choosing the outfit etc.
What the parents are doing is cruel and they are building up big trouble for later.

13.27 Calistemon said with the best of intentions I'm quit sure. But I took this approach with catastrophic consequences.
Just be aware everything, however well meaning has consequences.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

Oh dear, Namsnanny, I'm sorry it turned out as it did; yes, as they say the road to hell is paved with them.

I was five when baby brother was born. I had an older sister - and a doting dad too (but he was at work a lot). Far from fussing over him, my mother was nearly as disinterested in him as she was with us.

Still, I felt jealous. There was so much we couldn't do, no outings, no noise etc. - plus I was expected to stand and rock the pram (seemingly for ever) as he cried away - and he cried an awful lot.

There was a slope in the garden, away from the house. One day, sick of rocking the blasted pram, I 'accidentally' let go. Off it went, to the very end. Luckily, no harm done, but it demonstrates the danger - when there's no love in the house.

I find this cruel take the toy away for an appropriate length of time if they must but destroying it in front of him what sort of message do they think they are giving him . How will they deal with him if he starts destructive behaviour with his or even their possessions I would have to say something they are showing destructive behaviour and lack of control themselves

I took absolutely the same attitude as Lulubelle 500. Our very lively three year old was totally involved with his new sister, even asking my mother to guess what we now have? Answer: "a new baby"! She of course couldn't guess and had to be told, expressing suitable surprise!!! All aspects of baby care was quite laborious but well worth it as he adored his baby sister and she him. I feel so sorry for this little boy, how can his parents be so cruel?!

I think I would tell my daughter that I'd been doing a bit of research online about why her son is behaving the way he is, and it seems the general consensus, is that he is showing signs of jealousy and feeling left out, so instead of punishing bad behaviour in this sort of situation, it's believed to bring far better results if the older child is made lots of fuss of, and perhaps they might try saying things like, 'lets get this baby fed/bathed/changed, so that Mummy/Daddy and little boy, can have some special time together, doing whatever his favourite activity is', and then make sure they give him a cuddle, while doing it, so that he feels special. Also, suggest asking him to get involved with things like passing nappies, fetching things to help Mum, etc. Also, if it's possible while you're there, suggest that Mummy/Daddy, both if available, collect him from school, perhaps taking him for a special treat, while Nanny looks after the baby. Hope that giving them some information rather than criticising their actions, helps OP.

Unless they stop that sort of behaviour he will get worse there was only 22 months between my two, but I made time to spend with my eldest child, when her little brother slept. They must give him time. Where is your SIL can he not help?

Thank you Calistemon we live and learn (by our mistakes!)

Well although I normally say keep your mouth shut I wouldn’t on this occasion That’s cruel destructive and going to make a very damaged, angry, unhappy child who has been taught to destroy things when unhappy
Oh my oh my
Both myself and my children thankfully have always made as much fuss of the older children as the new one and always brought them a present from the new baby

Don’t say anything,I know someone who did and was band from the house for years——- could you offer to take the oldest for a few days and cuddle and spoil him while the family settles down a bit ?