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In laws at Christmas. Presents ?

(44 Posts)
kircubbin2000 Sun 28-Nov-21 08:21:54

Going to son's this year and his in laws are coming too. This happened a few years ago and I bought presents for everyone. It was very embarrassing as they hadn't thought of it and my dil hadn't either.
Should I give them something this year?
Dil never gives me a gift or thanks for mine but I always get her a good voucher or son would be annoyed.She does make a lovely meal.

Elvis58 Mon 29-Nov-21 17:27:03

Sorry no adult presents now just childrens.

Witzend Mon 29-Nov-21 17:17:14

OP, I’d take a box of chocs (the ones you like!) to give them if they give you something, or keep them to scoff yourself if not.
Or a bottle or something you’d drink.

My dds lovely in laws once sent us some home made fudge (we didn’t see them over Christmas) so since dd & co. were going to see them before New Year, I sent them some of my very very cheesy cheese straws.

crazyH Mon 29-Nov-21 16:58:49

Misty……🤣🤣 but I bet every time you opened your drawer, your kitchen smelled lovely (assuming the lining paper was fragranced) …

Mistyfluff8 Mon 29-Nov-21 16:41:05

My tight fisted sister in law gave me bloody draw lining paper .What an insult and cheap She gave the same to my late mother she was so hurt and upset Not bothering much this year

vegansrock Mon 29-Nov-21 16:17:44

I wouldn’t be offended by biscuits and chocolates ( vegan obv) but I wouldn’t want or need them.

Forsythia Mon 29-Nov-21 16:11:40

I send a card to both sets of in laws but no gifts have been needed so far. If they did, as others have said, a small gift such as a poinsettia basket, or chocolates or a really nice tin of biscuits can’t possibly offend anybody.

Thisismyname1953 Mon 29-Nov-21 16:04:01

When my children were young we couldn’t afford much for their Christmas presents so now , 40 years later I enjoy spoiling them and their children . They spoil me too .

TillyTrotter Mon 29-Nov-21 16:01:27

You may have a point vegansrock but Christmas is not the time for tit-for-tat to me.
I would not like to be in a room of people sharing Christmas together and some had gifts to open and some did not (unless it was me, and I wouldn’t mind).
We are talking biscuits, calendars, chocolates - not gold watches. What’s not to like?

vegansrock Mon 29-Nov-21 15:03:34

I wonder if those who say they “give presents because it makes them feel good” consider whether the recipient may like or want the gift, or if they feel uncomfortable receiving a gift when they haven’t reciprocated? Isn’t it a teensy bit insensitive not to consider the feelings of the recipient?

Nonogran Mon 29-Nov-21 14:43:29

H1954 is so on trend! We stopped gifts to adult children a few years ago. The AC don’t need anything from me & I certainly don’t want or need presents at Christmas from them. It’s taken all the stress away & we can all relax and enjoy lunch together without the ceremonial gift giving and feigned exclamations of “delight.

Happysexagenarian Mon 29-Nov-21 14:35:26

I agree with TillyTrotter, I give gifts for the pleasure of giving them, I don't want or expect anything in return, though a simple 'Thank You' is always appreciated. We always give to all our DILS's parents (whether we see them or not) because we know them well - perhaps a nice calendar, a box of biscuits or a bottle of something, I just enjoy doing it.

grannyactivist Mon 29-Nov-21 14:15:42

I give Christmas gifts because it makes me feel good. I really don’t care whether I get thanks or not, but I mostly do, and I genuinely don’t care if the people I give presents to have got one for me or not.

Christmas is a big deal for me and for my family. My own childhood Christmas memories are not good, but my children have always enjoyed wonderful Christmases and we spend as much time together over the holiday period as we can. We almost always have some extra people joining us and I keep several wrapped gifts in reserve just in case an extra guest pops up at the last minute.

Family, including in-laws, and friends all receive gifts and I don’t spend the same amount on them - I just buy what I can afford without going into debt and match the gift to the recipient. This year I’ve bought something quite extravagant for my daughters and daughter-in-law because I think they deserve to be spoilt after the hard year they’ve had.

Ali23 Mon 29-Nov-21 14:11:29

I would keep it small and simple too. One idea is to buy a game for you all to play. I have given my dil’s parents little things in the past, like a tiny but lovely xmas decoration. That surprised them but went down well.
My hubby feels increasingly cross about the futility of buying adults, but for me its my chance to give a little bit of cheer. This year I’m giving little fat ball holders and a fat ball! Other years I’ve given a packet of wild seeds to keep and use or sprinkle in the hedgerows!

GoldenAge Mon 29-Nov-21 13:47:37

In-laws are part of the family. The grandchildren don't make distinctions of that kind, and it's much healthier for family dynamics if the children see harmonious relationships between their maternal and paternal grandparents. We always spend Christmas with my son-in-law's parents who have become our good friends over and above what the family structure suggests - so i wouldn't dream of no buying a gift but we buy sensibly and don't go for things that won't suit so it's usually something for the garden or conservatory.

Harmonypuss Mon 29-Nov-21 13:25:55

Following on from what @H1954 said, I follow Martin Lewis's suggestion that (for the adults or at least the extended adult list) agree to have a pre-NUP (pre-xmas No Unnecessary Presents agreement), it stops all the unnecessary expense and stress of trying to find something suitable.

Yangste1007 Mon 29-Nov-21 13:23:49

There are seven of us, 5 for our family plus 2 son in laws. We do Secret Santa amongst ourselves to the value of £50. Each person does their Wish List and the computer generates who you get. My daughter organises it. We've done this for about 6 years now and it works well. I always buy everyone some posh chocolates and a present for the Dog. This is the first year of having a granddaughter so we are going to give her some money to go in her account. I shall probably buy a small book for her as well.

HillyN Mon 29-Nov-21 13:17:44

I love giving and receiving presents, so I would buy for the in-laws anyway and who cares if they don't reciprocate. If they were embarrassed last year, they may well have bought something this year.
My DH agreed with his family that we would only buy for children and I really miss not having so many gifts to unwrap. It doesn't matter what it is or how much it cost, it's the thought that counts.

4allweknow Mon 29-Nov-21 13:13:46

Make it a little hamper or gift bag of eg cheese,oatcakes chocs,chocolate biscuits. Hopefully suits both.

SecondhandRose Mon 29-Nov-21 13:04:01

As far as we are concerned the children get loads of presents so we always give to adult family. Only at Christmas not birthdays.

I often give to friends and neighbours because I want to and dont expect anything in return.

TillyTrotter Mon 29-Nov-21 12:59:20

I enjoy sharing and giving to others and would do it as it would give me pleasure. It would be something fairly inexpensive - as suggested already : a nice tin of biscuits, or a box of truffles.
I honestly don’t give to receive.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 29-Nov-21 12:55:49

In OP's place I would simply ask my DIL whether her parents expect to exchange presents with us or not.

That way no-one is embarrassed by receiving a gift from a person they haven't bought anything for, or by giving a gift to someone who feels embarrassed by not having one for them.

Riggie Mon 29-Nov-21 12:42:50

I think my mil thinks she gives us equal value. But she defaults to booze and I very rarely drink!! So dH ends up with it all. If I'm lucky she will have got a Ringtons gift box with about 6 biscuits in it so that is mine!!

Lolo81 Sun 28-Nov-21 17:10:30

There’s no excuse for not thanking anyone for a gift, but I’m a bit confused that DIL doesn’t get OP a gift - I’m assuming that the son/DIL would give a gift from both of them, so isn’t he capable of buying his mum a present?

theworriedwell Sun 28-Nov-21 12:56:58

I give my DsIL and SIL the same value (roughly) as I give my own children. I spend alot more than they do as I can afford to.

I always get a combined present from my children plus partner but a separate gift from GC.

I guess every family does it differently.

I am sitting here trying to avoid the table loaded with wrapping paper, scissors, tape, ribbon and presents and hoping they might wrap themselves. It doesn't seem to be working.

Lucca Sun 28-Nov-21 12:55:47

This thread highlights just one of the things that make dislike Christmas intensely.