What constitutes financial abuse ?

Dec, 21🙁

Chewbacca

In your shoes, I'd have my salary paid into my own personal account and then transfer exactly 50% of the anticipated monthly bills into the joint account. OH should do the same. The income from the joint part time work could be left in the joint account to pay for holidays etc. Financial abuse is where one person is taking advantage of the other. Do you think that you're in this position PinkCosmos?

This.

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement. You should have your own bank account and just agree to put an equal amount into a separate account to cover all bills, food, heating, holidays etc.,. Why should you put all your money into the joint account while your DH only puts in enough to cover the bills and spends the rest on himself. I wouldn’t be happy with that. What about the rainy days. Has he never learned to save money.

Whoops, sorry

ANOTHER OLD THREAD RESURRECTED.

You might want to start a new thread Penelope2020 but you might get better responses from Mumsnet,

My husband was very happy for me to give up work when our first child was born. I, too, revelled in my new role of stay at home mummy.

However, I have found that even when he is home, he is not too keen on looking after our children for more than 30 to 60 minutes each day.

Also, he has his salary paid into an account which I have no access to. He gives me money when I need it but I feel awkward having to ask.

When I raise these issues, he says he doesn't want to discuss it.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I might deal with them? Or do I just need to accept that this is how things will be?

That’s very sad Meryl. Usually you can’t fake a generous spirit. It must have been quite a shock.

I think every parnership will organise its accounts in a way that suits them. There is a no right or wrong. But the result should be that each member of the partnership has equal access to the assets, cash and capital, unless there is good reason for that to happen - when faced with a seriously spendthrift partner, where there is a second marriage and assets need to be protected for the children of the first marriage to inherit and other similar things.

As some have said, a relationship is not abusive if both couples are happy with it, but I have doubts about that, if one person is clever enough they can manipulate the other person, to agree to arrangements that are inherently abusive.

My first husband amongst other things was financially abusive. Although at the time, the early 1980’s, I didn’t know it was such a thing. I was at home with babies and had no access to money, despite him being a business man. Obviously not a very good one though, as utilities were often cut off, rented tv taken away, mortgage not paid etc. Despite that he had a good social life and expensive hobbies. I often only had 20p in my purse.
In my opinion financial abuse means that one of the partnership is having a better standard of living than the other half.

I think it is an issue if the way money is allocated detracts from living in partnership. DH and I have always regarded all money as joint money, so the small inheritances, bonuses and lump sums we have had have been divided equally. We usually give a small proportion each to our sons if we have an unexpected benefit. We each have our own bank accounts and each pay a proportion of the bills. DH pays me a sum every month to ensure we are in exactly the same position as his income is a little more than mine. (lucky bloke, as he is semi retired too!) If we need to buy or pay for anything we divide it equally between us. We have always been happy together and never fallen out about money.

That is exactly what we do Dee1012 works well for us. I was 'stung' as well in my first marriage so this suits me fine.
You say you are happy with the current arrangements PinkCosmos but yet you question it on here. In my experience financial issues can undermine a marriage .

If somebody spends (or saves) too much, it's reasonable for the other partner to take over the financial management.

When wages were paid in cash, one chap where my OH worked was not allowed to collect his wage packet. His wife came to collect it and handed him his 'pocket money'. Of course, they all joked about it - but he had a gambling problem.

My son and his partner have a separate joint account for household expenses, both earn roughly the same and pay an amount into that account each month.
Their salaries are paid into their own personal accounts and what they have left is entirely their own to do with as they wish.

Personally, if in a longstanding and committed relationship I'd do similar but would never have a joint account only....a man 'stung' me once, never again!

Your situation sounds very unfair, to me.
All that you earn, plus a very small part of what your husband earns, goes towards bills - while he spends extravagantly on hobbies.

It's not abusive if both parties are happy with the arrangement, pp are saying.
So are you both happy with it?

If you are concerned in any way about your financial arrangements, seek advice either from a financial adviser or a call/email to Citizens Advice could point you in the right direction.
If you are both putting money into the pot for the bills, that's all well and good but if one of you then is taking money out not for bills, that's not on. Perhaps speak to your bank to see if there is any way that you can ring fence that account so that neither of you can take money out not for that purpose?

It's not abusive if the other party agrees with this arrangement, and is fully aware of all the angles.
Again, I know many women who work out all the home finances, and husbands who are very happy to let them.

Financial abuse in a partnership is when one person restricts access to their earnings/savings and doesn't pay their fair share.
You are in a financially abusive relationship OP, but you knew that.
Question is - what are you going to do about it?

you can tell the first time you meet anyone if they are tight
My ex husband was generosity personified when we were courting. That soon changed when the ring went on my finger.

When we bought our first house in 1979 we opened a joint account in addition to our own accounts. Our earnings went into our individual accounts. We each paid the same amount into the joint account to cover all our outgoings. What was left in our personal accounts was our own money.

I organised this because you hear so often of financial arguments when relationships break up, especially when it comes to the sharing of the marital home.

It was also done because I did not want anyone complaining about the price of a new pair of boots, or specs, whatever. I'm lucky in that my OH has never complained. He has occasionally asked me the price of something but has never ever commented on that price. If I wanted a second holiday or to go in the more expensive seats at a theatre then I would pay - no problem. It was my choice.

We've been together for over 50 years and we haven't had a joint account for a long time - it became too much bother. Also we have had periods when we had very little spare money. One cuts one's cloth........

I appreciate that everybody's circumstances are different, but money is one of the most important things to be discussed

It must be terrible to be with someone that can’t or won’t manage money. I’ve never had an argument about money ever. I do know as a generous person I could not be with anyone mean, because they must be mean spirited anyway to make it an issue, unless your wasting money and can’t pay the bills.. All money went into a joint account, but we always ran big expenses by each other and we sorted things out jointly. You can tell the first time you meet anyone if they are tight and I avoid.

To me it sounds like you have come to this arrangement out of necessity because he is a spendthrift. It doesn't sound like abuse to me, but certainly disrespect.

However, it sounds like he is not contributing to the household costs in a fair manner, and this should change. You also have to think about retirement. What happens when you are not earning wages, and trying to live on pensions and savings? Are there any savings, and does he have access? I would be afraid of how to manage in future.

If he won't listen to you, make an appointment with a financial advisor.

I think a fair arrangement always depends on income. If one partner earns more than the other, they should pay in a proportionate amount to the 'bills' account.

For instance, a woman may work part-time and earn only half the amount her OH gets. He pays in twice the amount she does. There still remains a problem, though, with the difference in spending money they have left.

I took the view that, having earned far more than him, I gave up work to bring up the kids, severely limiting my future earning power. I returned to work part-time (because of the kids and family duties) so I enabled him to continue his career full time. Therefore, any extra spending money belonged to us both - equally!

I think the key is...whether you are happy with what ever arrangement you have. The problem comes...I think, when you perhaps don’t have the protection being married gives you. There is so much scope for one partner to lose out completely.

There is some information here regarding what financial abuse is

Why don't you sit down and talk about all this. Him running up debts and you having savings just seems bonkers to me. You need to talk about big purchases etc

Thank you for all of your comments. I am reasonably happy with this arrangement.

As Trisha57 says, '^if you feel that it is how you have to operate in order to stay debt free and secure then so be it'.^

I would prefer it if my DH was financially responsible but I don't think he is going to change now.

He is a live for today sort of person and doesn't believe in saving.

We have many 'discussions' about this and I have come to the conclusion that we will never agree.

Provided I have some control and am able to save I am OK.

The only thing I worry about is, if he dies before me I will probably inherit any debts he has. Is this correct?

What Chewbacca has said is very fair.