What constitutes financial abuse ?

I think stop calling it the joint account and think of it as the bill account. If you both pay the same amount in just to cover the bills then there should not be any over for him to spend so you are not withholding money from him.

We have joint bank accounts the credit cards are in both our names. We have no concept of my money or his money it is all our money. He can see every penny I spend and where and I can see everything he spends and where. I think that is how a marriage should be.

Abuse is where it causes harm to another.
That will vary from person to person and relationship to relationship.

I agree with MissAdventure.

If both of you are happy with the arrangement, then it's not abusive. I would maybe suggest that you ask your husband, rather than us though . I mean that nicely, but only he can say whether he feels put upon or not.

I don't know if this counts as financial abuse. It is though unfair that you pay most of the bills and he has a lot more spending money of his own.

Jackiest your financial arrangements work for you in your marriage. Can you imagine if your partner was spending all the money and racking up credit on things for himself without a thought for the bills that had to be paid? Not everyone has the same life, personality or sense of responsibility as you.

To answer your question PinkCosmos, in my opinion (and ONLY in my opinion) as long as you are happy with the arrangement you have, where you are paying most of the bills and household costs from your money in the joint account, then it obviously works for you and DH. Likewise, if your DH earns enough to finance his own lifestyle without having to dip into the joint account then you were absolutely entitled to cut up his card. As this was a few years ago I assume that he has not asked for a replacement card for the joint account.

It may not seem fair to others who comment, but if you feel that it is how you have to operate in order to stay debt free and secure then so be it. I have friends who have many different ways of managing their money but who am I to criticise as long as it has been discussed and agreed between them and their partners?

We have always had a joint account for everything since we started living together in the 70s. Never had a your money my money situation with lots of different accounts etc.

Well I would consider have your own account plus the joint. That way you could manage your own affairs independently. I don't think that anyone is abusing any one here but there had to be financial responsibility. IMHO

One solution would be to work out what the monthly bills amount to, then each put half of that amount into the joint. That way, he would be contributing his fair share and you would be left with some money paid directly into your own personal account.

In your shoes, I'd have my salary paid into my own personal account and then transfer exactly 50% of the anticipated monthly bills into the joint account. OH should do the same. The income from the joint part time work could be left in the joint account to pay for holidays etc. Financial abuse is where one person is taking advantage of the other. Do you think that you're in this position PinkCosmos?

What Chewbacca has said is very fair.

Thank you for all of your comments. I am reasonably happy with this arrangement.

As Trisha57 says, '^if you feel that it is how you have to operate in order to stay debt free and secure then so be it'.^

I would prefer it if my DH was financially responsible but I don't think he is going to change now.

He is a live for today sort of person and doesn't believe in saving.

We have many 'discussions' about this and I have come to the conclusion that we will never agree.

Provided I have some control and am able to save I am OK.

The only thing I worry about is, if he dies before me I will probably inherit any debts he has. Is this correct?

There is some information here regarding what financial abuse is

Why don't you sit down and talk about all this. Him running up debts and you having savings just seems bonkers to me. You need to talk about big purchases etc

I think the key is...whether you are happy with what ever arrangement you have. The problem comes...I think, when you perhaps don’t have the protection being married gives you. There is so much scope for one partner to lose out completely.

I think a fair arrangement always depends on income. If one partner earns more than the other, they should pay in a proportionate amount to the 'bills' account.

For instance, a woman may work part-time and earn only half the amount her OH gets. He pays in twice the amount she does. There still remains a problem, though, with the difference in spending money they have left.

I took the view that, having earned far more than him, I gave up work to bring up the kids, severely limiting my future earning power. I returned to work part-time (because of the kids and family duties) so I enabled him to continue his career full time. Therefore, any extra spending money belonged to us both - equally!

To me it sounds like you have come to this arrangement out of necessity because he is a spendthrift. It doesn't sound like abuse to me, but certainly disrespect.

However, it sounds like he is not contributing to the household costs in a fair manner, and this should change. You also have to think about retirement. What happens when you are not earning wages, and trying to live on pensions and savings? Are there any savings, and does he have access? I would be afraid of how to manage in future.

If he won't listen to you, make an appointment with a financial advisor.

It must be terrible to be with someone that can’t or won’t manage money. I’ve never had an argument about money ever. I do know as a generous person I could not be with anyone mean, because they must be mean spirited anyway to make it an issue, unless your wasting money and can’t pay the bills.. All money went into a joint account, but we always ran big expenses by each other and we sorted things out jointly. You can tell the first time you meet anyone if they are tight and I avoid.

When we bought our first house in 1979 we opened a joint account in addition to our own accounts. Our earnings went into our individual accounts. We each paid the same amount into the joint account to cover all our outgoings. What was left in our personal accounts was our own money.

I organised this because you hear so often of financial arguments when relationships break up, especially when it comes to the sharing of the marital home.

It was also done because I did not want anyone complaining about the price of a new pair of boots, or specs, whatever. I'm lucky in that my OH has never complained. He has occasionally asked me the price of something but has never ever commented on that price. If I wanted a second holiday or to go in the more expensive seats at a theatre then I would pay - no problem. It was my choice.

We've been together for over 50 years and we haven't had a joint account for a long time - it became too much bother. Also we have had periods when we had very little spare money. One cuts one's cloth........

I appreciate that everybody's circumstances are different, but money is one of the most important things to be discussed

you can tell the first time you meet anyone if they are tight
My ex husband was generosity personified when we were courting. That soon changed when the ring went on my finger.

Financial abuse in a partnership is when one person restricts access to their earnings/savings and doesn't pay their fair share.
You are in a financially abusive relationship OP, but you knew that.
Question is - what are you going to do about it?

It's not abusive if the other party agrees with this arrangement, and is fully aware of all the angles.
Again, I know many women who work out all the home finances, and husbands who are very happy to let them.

If you are concerned in any way about your financial arrangements, seek advice either from a financial adviser or a call/email to Citizens Advice could point you in the right direction.
If you are both putting money into the pot for the bills, that's all well and good but if one of you then is taking money out not for bills, that's not on. Perhaps speak to your bank to see if there is any way that you can ring fence that account so that neither of you can take money out not for that purpose?

Your situation sounds very unfair, to me.
All that you earn, plus a very small part of what your husband earns, goes towards bills - while he spends extravagantly on hobbies.

It's not abusive if both parties are happy with the arrangement, pp are saying.
So are you both happy with it?

My son and his partner have a separate joint account for household expenses, both earn roughly the same and pay an amount into that account each month.
Their salaries are paid into their own personal accounts and what they have left is entirely their own to do with as they wish.

Personally, if in a longstanding and committed relationship I'd do similar but would never have a joint account only....a man 'stung' me once, never again!