Feeling useless at everything

Stop comparing yourself with other people all the time and take confidence in your lack of confidence.

I am mildly dyspraxic whuch means I am the original clumsy child, falling over my feet, spilling things. If there is wall with wet paint on it, I will always get some on my clothes, always the clothes I most like. To rub it in I come from a family of dexterous needle women, Grandmother, mother and aunts, sister, daughter and granddaughter.

I stopped sewing because everyone was better than me, everyone was nice to me, always tried to help me, trying to show me the right way to do anything, but always saying, essentiall, i was doing it wrong

Everything was turned upside down when adult DD turned to me one day and said, "Forget 'if a things worth doing it is worth doing well'. Say, instead,'If a things worth doing it is worth doing badly' " Think about it.

I did and when I have written this post, I am going up stairs to get on with my needlework. My specialty is home furnishings, I make curtains, cushion covers, have re-covered a settee (with help from DD)

Nothing I have made would bear inspection from even a half- good needlewoman, but they look OK and I like them.

So turn your life around, quite literally and take pride in what you do, it may not be perfect, but it is the best you can do. Stop giving a toss for other people's opinions.

Although it seems to me, your real problem is you. You did some paintings, you thought they were amateurish, you threw them away. Why did the fact that they werent perfect make you throw them away? What is wrong with having pictures in your house that do not conpare with those in the National Gallery. DH has been a hobby painter. His pictures are 'amateurish', but they are still hanging on the wall in the hall. A friend's house has her DHs, less than perfect pictures in every room.

I would support all those who suggest you seek counselling. There must be a reason you are so negative about everything and so determinedly see yourself as a failure. It does seem internally generated rather than driven by other's comments. Counselling could help

I took my driving test 5 times before I passed. It was another 10 years before my dyspraxia was diagnosed, which explained all the problems I had had passing the test.

I am so sorry you feel like this.

Please sit down and make a list of things you like doing.

Most of us are good at the things we enjoy, and even if the result isn't perfect we have fun doing them.

Then make a list of the things you are good at doing.

There are things you are good at - everyone is good at something.

Right now you are down in the dumps, but I wonder: have you always compared yourself and been compared with your sisters?

I'll bet they are not good at everything either.

You were unfortunate with the woman who refused to teach you how to wallpaper a room - but some people are like that - it would hurt them to show others how to do anything. Ignore her. If you want to learn something - find a nice person who will be happy to see you becoming good at it.

Do you like dogs? Or did you just volunteer there because it is the sort of thing your sisters do?

Volunteers are needed in all sorts of places, so if you want to volunteer think about what or whom you would be happiest working with. You might be happier working with the cats in the cat-and-dog home, or visiting the old and infirm, or trying to clear up rubbish people leave in public places along with other like-minded volunteers, or helping the house-bound with their shopping.

But please, do what you want to, not what your sisters and mum want you to. I had a domineering mum, so feel tempted to assume this is your problem too. It's not "nice" of me, but it help me to make a list of the things I knew my mum wasn't good at - quite a long list came to mind.

January is dark and depressing and this one is particularly nasty. Don't let it get you down. Do something nice for yourself.

If you really cannot find the way out of this dark mood, make an appointment with your G.P and ask for a little help.

Sorry to read about you you are feeling. I actually am rubbish at all the things you list and come from a family (sister, cousins) of very high achievers. However it never really bothered me. I put that down to my parents who always accentuated the positive in me. I could sing and had/have a sense of humour. My Mother was a great cook/baker, I can't do either of those things to any reasonable standard but haven't poisoned anyone yet. My Dad very intelligent, taught himself to play the piano and cello, he would play the piano and teach me to sing, (neither he nor I had the patience to be teach me the piano.) Anything that needs doing round the house either my OH does it or we find the money to get a professional in. Please don't think you are alone in not being able to achieve what others do. You can drive, you can use the computer/mobile phone, you are literate, you see I don't know you and can list 3 things you can do that so many mature people can't do.

Don't let not going on motorways bother you, you can drive a for ever and never need to go on a motorway, no one says you MUST go on a motorway, just take the oldie roads like we all used to, they are a lot quieter these days.

So enjoy the old roads, yes make take a bit longer but what the heck.
So one problem solved

You are the same as everyone else, we all have a list of what we cannot do. Sounds as though you are a bit down today and concentrating on the negatives.

Difficult when you are in that frame of mind but do try to make a list of what you can do, the list will be longer.

(and) my paintings, DIY, knitting etc. attempts have been called quirky, odd, individual, rustic and boho. I could easily take offence, but no, I'm proud of them all - and enjoy the making. My latest creation, a large, simple, scrap wood, solid star hangs on the wall. Surprisingly, it's been admired by my best friend!

songstress60, I think it's a case of 'feeling useless' rather than actually being 'inept'. Some people have a great confidence in themselves and their skills - others don't. There isn't always a close match to their competence, just a positive, or negative, outlook.

I feel confident, so will have a try at most things. Sometimes it results in failure - but I view that as a learning experience. I don't beat myself up about it. We get stuff right by experimentation.

My value as a person, though, isn't based on skills, making myself useful - or being efficient. I'm quite good enough, I think, just being me, having fun and enjoying life. I have good friends and a lovely family, so really appreciate life.

I too am pretty usless at everything worse since covid. Everything is a nightmare.

You're no different to most of us. Few of us are brilliant at everything we do. I firmly believe that everybody is good at something, the trick is to find it.

I'm very good at decorating - but still bodge things now and again. And I read up well before I try new things, including hours (sometimes) on YouTube watching others do it first. Sometimes I still get it wrong. There are countless things in life I'm no good at, but I do what I like doing whether I am good at it or not. I enjoy cooking, but some of my dinners are disasters. Maybe you're not giving yourself long enough to learn things and get past the initial failures. Art is very subjective anyway - if you like your paintings stick them on your wall.

you don't sound a failure at all!!

You're focusing on the negative. You need to love yourself.
My cooking is mostly awful. But I know which meals I'm good at.
I paint and I enjoy it. I'm a four year beginner. So what?
I'm average at most things.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

I passed my driving test, 24 years ago, on the 6th attempt, but I've never driven on the motorway (My husband drives if we ever need to use a motorway), much preferring to take longer but easier routes.

I can't play an instrument, dance, sing, sew, knit or embroider. I don't speak any languages, I'm not good at gardening, painting or cooking.

What I am good at is being a Mum and Granny. I'm generous (with time and money when I'm able), I'm kind, have a great deal of empathy, I'm a great friend, a good neighbour, a good listener. I'd go out of my way to help someone or some creature.

We are all good at something. You clearly have perseverance as one of your talents, look how many times you have tried stuff. Just keep going I would say.
I always use this joke as a motivational trigger.
Person 1 “David Beckham is so thick”
Person 2 “ yeah but, look at Steven Hawkin, he was shit at football”
We all have something. I am particularly good at DIY but I cannot cook at all and relied on my DD from age 10 to produce a meal for the family. I find that you need to be interested to gain skills and if you keep looking and keep trying you will find something that interests you enough to get good at it❤️
(Hope the joke doesn’t offend people, it is just a joke)

I have never driven on a motorway. Not interested. An A road was always good enough for me. I also find people will big themselves up. What they say they are good at is far from the truth. We are not good at everything. Concentrate on what you can do, and not what you cant. We cant be experts in all fields. I can barely grow flowers nowadays. But I dont care. I do pay tradesmen, but who cares. Not me

i can't sing, I can't dance, I cant paint, I can't sew, I can't 'garden' and I can't even cook well

Snap. I can’t organise finances. I can’t “make” things.

But I can love my family and friends. I can make people laugh sometimes. Try very hard to make a list of what you can do!

I can't sing, I can't dance, I cant paint, I can't sew, I can't 'garden' and I can't even cook well. I can just about drive but only locally (passed my test at 6th attempt), not good at relationships (I'm divorced). So, I'm inept at at least one more thing than you. I can't do much about it and I'm too old to change. Don't fret...you're not alone.
I just heard that on This Morning', there's a segment on how to be happy .... perhaps we should watch that ...

Songstress, you are a kind person, and are judging yourself very harshly. Tell that critical inner voice to be quiet, and don't compare yourself to others - you may be good at things that they are not.
I can't decorate ( it would be like the Peppa Pig episode when Daddy Pig's attempt to hang a picture necessitated a visit from an electrician, a plasterer, a ...), and my dog owning family would think me not competent to be in charge of their dogs, but that's not the most important thing about me - nor are your perceived shortcomings the most important thing about you.
Sending you ?

Early on in your life you may have been shy and lacking in confidence as you grew up. Its a shame it probably held you back asking for for advice or help.
You have obviously always worked which is positive. Some people go through life without contributing anything and expect to be kept. You have also volunteered you have a good work ethic. It's rather obvious you have had the misfortune of working with some unpleasant people. If you had more confidence you would have been able to be more vocal when dealing with criticism. You could be around people with positive energy more. It will rub off on you and help you be more outgoing a walking club or something similar in your area. Stop criticising yourself and see the good you have done.

Lovely supportive post Coastpath, and songstress you will find many people on here whose path through life has been similar to yours.
I’m sorry you are feeling so low about things and it can often happen at the start of a new year.
I came to thinking long ago that “good enough” is good enough for me, I am never going to be fantastic at anything but it is OK. ?

You sound kind songstress and that is probably the best quality anyone can have.

That horrible critical negative ‘ inner voice’ . Don’t give it space. I do understand it’s hard , but ignore what may have happened in the past. You are kind, you have friends who care, you are not hopeless, you are ok.

I'm no expert. Quite the opposite. However, some of your criticisms of yourself remind me of a family member roughly in the same boat who was later diagnosed with dyspraxia. Have you ever been tested?

silverlining Sometimes our inner voice tells us we're hopeless. I know mine has all my life. I've never felt remotely as good as anyone else but that has got me nowhere except in constant misery. I think I'm OK. I try to be kind and empathetic. People seem to like me. I'm sure the OP has people who think she's great.

That’s good advice for Songstress Kate, maybe you can take it for yourself. Being a decent person is about as good as it gets and FYI I don’t/ can’t do most of the stuff you mention either. It’s ok, there will be other things we do do. ( not sure what!)
Let’s all be kind to ourselves.
Songstress sometimes I only get up in time fir lunch. These are difficult covid times, and you sound as if you are going through a low period, don’t be hard on yourself. Things will get better, all on their own. Keep on keeping on.

songstress60 I really, really feel for you. It's horrible when all your feelings of self worth go down the toilet, so to speak.

Your post sounds as though you are very sensitive to the approach and/or criticism of others .. e.g taking your mother's comments about the dogs: do YOU agree that you couldn't control one of them? Or are you perhaps so used to non-constructive criticism from your mother that you unconsciously take on board all her negativity?

The manager not trusting you with certain dogs at the sanctuary, I can very well understand and I urge you not to take that personally - as well as our professional careers, my late husband and I ran a mixed species animal rescue for over 30 years, and please believe, there were many dogs (and other types of animal) whom we ourselves were VERY careful with until we'd completed remedial work with them.

I suspect the manager was acting out of safety concerns, not because he believed you incapable. He wouldn't have taken you on in the first place if you'd seemed that way.

Your post also makes me fear that you may be clinically depressed and anxious. If so, please, please, ask your GP to prescribe some meds for you, and refer you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. (Unfortunately these services are currently as overloaded as the rest of the NHS, so you would most likely have to wait several months to be seen, but of course, your meds might have kicked in before then anyway.)

If you do get some medication to help you through, be aware that it takes between 10 to 14 days for the effect to kick in, and also in that initial period there can be fairly unpleasant side effects. Don't be put off - those wear off very soon thereafter, and taking the meds is no different to wearing a cast if you have a broken leg.

I wish you all the luck in the world finding confidence in yourself this year.

(ps. I haven't a clue how to wallpaper, or change my own tyre or a fuse in a plug; I failed my driving test 5 times before passing yet I still find plenty of things about myself to be proud of. You'll come to that too - just ask for help.)