53 years old and lost

So sorry you are feeling hurt. Social media can be a great help to people who are isolated, but it’s not without its drawbacks.

Is your husband getting help or treatment for his depression?

Thank you for your response. He is on medication. I have given everything emotionally to him and its not the fact that he can’t work and supporting us financially isn’t the issue. Its the fact that he has been messaging women and lied about it. I don’t know if i can trust him anymore

I’m so sorry, you must feel betrayed. What does he have to say for himself? Does he understand why you are so hurt? Trust, once lost, is not easily rebuilt. If he’s genuinely sorry and promises it won’t happen again maybe you can work on that together.

GeorgieGirl1, if he's ill with 'health conditions' and depression - then he's really not his usual self.

So, he's been messaging women and lying. That's really not nice, but has he actually met any of them?

If not, is it much of a problem - or just a harmless fantasy hobby? Did he lie about it because he knew you'd disapprove?

(Do remind him, though, that this 'woman' could be anyone - a scammer or even another man just playing games.)

I think it depends what you are willing to tolerate, it would be a no from me.

So sorry that this has happened to you on top of everything else. It’s soul destroying isn’t it?
We were in a very similar position when we were first retired . My husband was really struggling with long term physical illnesses and was struggling mentally too. I believe now that he believed a different woman could solve his problems. He found out that this was not so.
I in turn suffered mentally too. I can only say that with help I learned to look after myself . I am now definitely my own best friend. Counselling has helped me to achieve that. If you can afford such a luxury I would definitely recommend it.
We did survive it, and as my husband is less poorly than he used to be, and we both understand our own psychology more, our partnership is stronger again.
Look after you. Take care.

When people are depressed they often seek solace in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. They become desperate to escape from the dreadful feeling that the Black Dog brings. They do not care how they do this.

I lived with a depressed and anxious OH and some of the ways he sought to alleviate this were not helpful, so my heart goes out to you. It is doubly galling when you are working your tripe out (both in employment and in emotional support) to try and make his life easier.

Sorry to hear this op, you must feel that the relationship seems to be one sided , you doing everything to keep things ticking over and he’s off talking away to other women, I wouldn’t tolerate that I’m afraid, he might not have met any of them, but he’s not really showing you any respect is he, I hope you can sort this out between you

Thank you all for your comments. We’ve had so many arguments about the situation and Ive been distraught. He says it was a fantasy but I still feel betrayed. He sent some photos to her which I found hard to deal with. Even though he has never met her it has knocked me for six. He says he’s sorry for hurting me and that he loves me. Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t given him enough support. It’s hard to move forward

Im very sorry you have been through this. My opinion is depressed or not, he should not be messaging other women and exchanging photos. Id make it clear you would not be tolerating that. Ive had depression, doing that kind of thing was the last thing on my mind, I could hardly function. If he continues in this manner and hard as it may be, you need to get something in this life for yourself, an interest or something you would like to do. Good luck and I hope things get better for you.

It’s interesting that despite being depressed he had the oomph to seek another woman to flatter his ego?
Personally it’s unforgivable to me, I would never be able to view him in the same light again.
Like Pepper59 when I was depressed I had zero interest in anything let alone chatting online to another man ?
Is he using it as an excuse?

Depressed or not, that would be a total deal breaker for me. How much of a doormat are you expected to be.

People do all sorts of things when they’re depressed, that previously wouldn’t have been in their personality.

It sounds like he’s apologised, so hopefully realises what he’s done....and is genuine.

What was your relationship like before he became depressed? How long has he been like this? I’m just asking because it seems a shame to end a marriage that has been good. Depression is an illness like any other.

Have you tried counselling? Or just really talking? He’s apologised, so that’s a good start.

I think we all fantasise...he’s just taken it to the next level, but he’s ill..

If it were me, I wouldn’t want to lose him, but only you can be the best judge.

I wish you both well.

Good post DiscoDancer I agree with you.

If he is well enough to be on the internet all day then he needs to find a job, perhaps working from home if his condition does not allow him to go to a workplace. He needs something to do with his time.
Only you know how good the marriage was for you before you found out about his betrayal.
Have you considered asking him to leave?

GeorgieGirl1

Thank you all for your comments. We’ve had so many arguments about the situation and Ive been distraught. He says it was a fantasy but I still feel betrayed. He sent some photos to her which I found hard to deal with. Even though he has never met her it has knocked me for six. He says he’s sorry for hurting me and that he loves me. Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t given him enough support. It’s hard to move forward

We can all get caught up and do stupid things that we regret later.

The crux is does he regret it? Has he stopped and it will never happen again? Does he feel ashamed?

I’m concerned that you say you feel guilty? You’re guilty of nothing!

If he’s even suggesting that you have some responsibility for his hurtful actions, it’s time to leave. Seriously.

* Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t given him enough support.* - this is absolutely not appropriate. Please do not give it a second thought.

It is very hard when a relationship becomes lopsided owing to illness. All give and no take is not comfortable for mere mortals like you and I.

I can understand that you feel betrayed - there you are out at work and trying your best to support him in every way, and he does this unacceptable thing. I have been there (not identical - but the principle is the same) - it is so hard. You are left searching for the man you knew. Wanting to help but feeling deep down angry.

Everything depends on what sort of relationship you had before and whether you think this can be salvaged.

Is your OH on any treatment?

I agree with Galaxy and notgran 100%.
You will end up depressed at this rate,what a fool he is.

We had a good relationship until about two years ago that was when he stopped working. I really get that his world has been turned upside down, he worked really hard all his life. He doesn’t keep in contact with any old friends (depression has played a part in that) so I guess social media is an outlet.

I work shifts, long ones sometimes but I changed my hours so I could spend more time with him. I’m making us go out more and do things but it’s exhausting as it feels I’m the one that’s making all the effort all the time.

I have considered leaving and he has also said he will leave if I want. We’ve been together for such a long time and am still prepared to save the marriage. However if it happens again that will be it and I’ve told him that.

I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I guess you never truly know a person.

I just hope he has seen sense and what he’s got to lose.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment x

Is he seeking help from a mental health team? I am not in the UK so not sure of the system but here there is support for the family and l wonder could you both access that together. My dh suffers from depression and that has been a help to us. I found that team are so used to dealing with depression that it worked better than regular counselling. But l am of the firm belief that depression does not give you permission to do what you like. He is still responsible for his actions and its so important he not blame you in any way. Often a person who is depressed keeps searching for something/anything to get the depression off their back but then realise the dam depression follows them there. It's not easy but if he is to be given the dignity he deserves he also need to take the responsibility for his actions.

Florencelady - he has had some help however he has got to want to be helped. I can’t force him only try and support him the best I can

Have you told him how you feel? You have a right to feel as you do, and he has a right to know how you feel. The ball should be in his court.

He may be depressed, but depression is not a reason for abdication personal responsibility( unless he really his helpless).

Of course I understand he is lonely, and a cyber person may be his dream come true, but he needs to know the score.

PS, by "feelings" I mean really hurting, weeping, gut feelings, not simply pride and ultimatums.

Caleo - yes I have told him exactly how I feel, have shed far too many tears over it