Your day as a newspaper headline

"Princess' arrival awaits: tba - what her choices are for the day's activities, be prepared on on the ready to accomodate"

Woman found dehydrated to "a crisp" in her bed, due, it is reported, to her reluctance to get up and make coffee.

Woman tells herself she will order a salad at lunch with her sisters today, after meeting up with two friends yesterday and eating a triple decker toasted sandwich and chips. Woman doesn't hold out much hope.

Courageous pensioner (67) embarks on marathon walk to corner shop. Now resting at home.

Elderly woman lost in the jungle!

Lured outside by the bright Spring sunshine a brave pensioner today ventured out into the garden, but quickly lost her way in the undergrowth. She was found two hours later trying to hack her way back to the house with some secateurs. The exhausted woman recovered indoors with a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.

Woman puts glasses on and is surprised to find herself a strong contender in the uk "Most Pimply" competition.

Gran defends herself from allegations of witchhood

Following a recent report by this newspaper , in which a local Grandmother was quoted as muttering ancient incantations whilst brewing nourishing soup , we have received information that the Grandmother of four is in fact a witch.
On being approached the wizened old woman stated that although she may have mentioned several species of lark.....as in the pill, boll and sodthisfora variety....she had in fact been making chicken soup. In her defence she pointed out that her efforts to ward off the pestilence sweeping the area had failed and she herself has now succumbed to the virus.
This reporter could not possibly comment due to fear of litigation ?

Yes I have covid ?

Knit-a-holic OAP buys yet more balls of wool to feed her habit. "They were going cheap," she protested, insisting that "the shop will be shutting down and everything's half-price. My intentions are honourable." She added six more balls to her not so secret stash half-hidden behind the sofa. She insisted that she lived in a good area and had lead a fairly respectable life before the woolly addiction took hold.

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Pensioner gets her sight back.

After several months of decreased vision an elderly woman today managed to see again. 'It's a real miracle!' she exclaimed as she put her white vinegar and Karcher Window Vac back in the cupboard.

Local grandmother prepares for biscuit making activity with toddler and 5 year old, despite "It will be total chaos!" warning from husband.

Grey haired essex woman says it is just a matter of time before she is forced to phone the fire brigade to deal with her heartburn.

She declined to comment when quizzed about her eating habits.

It was all just a simple misunderstanding, claims pensioner, as traumatised shopkeeper complains about bossy woman asking What do you say? after handing over payment for toffee lollies.

I was actually speaking to my grandsons, insists harridan, 67. I was very surprised when the shopkeeper said thank you before they did. And no, I’ve no idea why he looked so scared.

Local Gran goes wild

A local milkman received a nasty shock not so early this morning when he sighted what he thought to be an escaped leopard from the nearby wild animal park. The large creature was seen prowling around the front garden of a property approx 3 miles from the park. However on closer observation he discovered the creature to be the occupant of the property who had ventured out to collect her newspaper from her post box. The woman apologised profusely and explained that her animal print jim jams were lovely and fluffy and cosy and she had no intention of getting changed any time soon.

Still got covid symptoms so pampering myself with a lazy day ?

Gran on a 3 day break at son’s house underestimates how much their labrador has grown in recent weeks. She foolishly left a tray of 20 freshly made potato cakes to cool on the worktop. When she returned home from the school run the the dog was happily snoring on the kitchen floor next to an empty cooling tray ?

Outraged grandmother flatly denied this morning that she had anything whatsoever to do with the oven control shooting up from gas mark 3 to gas mark 7 while two very important birthday cakes were baking inside. Despite having to concede that nobody else was in the house at the time.

All will be well when the ever so slightly scorched cakes are disguised with icing and Ninjago and dinosaur characters, she predicted confidently. While googling poltergeist activity on her phone.

Elderly couple take delivery of new sofa and spend all morning staring at it to decide if it matches the room.

Kate1949

Elderly couple take delivery of new sofa and spend all morning staring at it to decide if it matches the room.

Then re-decorate the room and buy new curtains to match the new sofa because the sofa looks different than it did in the showroom!

Cheery pensioner has a good laugh at other pensioners and their headline grabbing news items. 'I thought it was just me,' said Gran (67)

Pensioner reports aliens have landed.

An elderly woman grabbed her mobile and phoned the Police in a panic screaming 'Aliens have landed, they're here in my street!' She said a small white alien spacecraft was moving slowly down the road. The call handler told her it was a Starship robot which surprised her. 'I thought a Starship would be larger' she exclaimed, 'the Enterprise is a lot bigger than that'. She eventually calmed down when she was told the alien craft only contained an order of fish and chips for No 23 and would do her no harm.

OAP marvels at life's ups and downs.

OAP tries in vain to obtain LFT tests at local chemists who have all just run out as they've given the last one away so returns home feeling a bit down. What a wasted journey.

A rattling of the letter box later reveals a white and blue box half in and half out. It contains the afore-mentioned test kit. "What a coincidence," she exclaims. Someone up there must be psychic, a little something which has brightened her day.