Inviting friend we don't know

This has happened to me. Very difficult It changes the dynamics, particularly as you are going away. Your friend might have been a bit pushed into inviting her friend - I was also in that position with someone almost inviting themselves. Make the best of it and hopefully things will get back to normal next time. On the other hand a new friend could be good.

Missingmoominmama

What’s special about this particular hotel that means it’s one she’s dying to go to?

It's a nice hotel, in a beautiful part of the country with an award winning restaurant. But it's not way over the top in price or anything. I've no idea why she can't go with her husband or one of her daughters or even with our mutual friend on another occasion.
I don't know how heavily she pushed to join us or if my friend just casually issued the invitation.

What’s special about this particular hotel that means it’s one she’s dying to go to?

...Ask if she wishes to withdraw from the group and if not then tell her she must explain to the new person that she will not be available to be with her as she is in a group at that time and it takes precedence over other plans... They could then question the group member and ask why she had thought it was appropriate to change things and not even ask the group? To me she has seriously erred and if she understands that and apologises and gets it sorted then fine, but if she still wants to alter the dynamics of the group and I would query why she wanted to do this...

Blimey. And don't forget a good strong light to shine in her eyes and a syringe and truth drug.

So I have been exact in certain situations , offering someone a lift to town and offering them the chance to buy large items, and arranged to meet at a specific time in a coffee shop. The person started to say we can go and look round the shops whereupon I immediately said, no I am offering you the chance to do some shopping but I have things to do. She started to say what about xxx and I simply said I wouldnt be doing anything other than what I had offered and stuck to it. The friends should get together and present a united front to the person who is part of the original group and make it clear that this is a breach of the assumed pact that it was a private group, not to have even wives husbands etc joining. Ask if she wishes to withdraw from the group and if not then tell her she must explain to the new person that she will not be available to be with her as she is in a group at that time and it takes precedence over other plans. That they might arrange to go another time if the newcomer would enjoy doing so, They could then question the group member and ask why she had thought it was appropriate to change things and not even ask the group? To me she has seriously erred and if she understands that and apologises and gets it sorted then fine, but if she still wants to alter the dynamics of the group and I would query why she wanted to do this. Perhaps something has happened in her life to make her blind to what she is doing. If not, and it was a deliberate intent then I am afraid she would be out of the group for the future. Possibiliy she wants to leave but hasnt got the courage to state directly to you all that things have changed. For the rest of you the really important thing is that you have this chance to see if you all want to continue as this has given you a chance to look at it all overall. I wish you good luck and hope that you dont let this one person break up something that has obviously been important to you all.

This happened to us one Christmas. It was all family, and my sister invited a friend who was unknown to us.

She took over the day, wanted to play her own music, told us to clear the wrapping paper up, insisted that we play Charades.

I absolutely lost it with her, and my sister acted as if it was my fault. No, I was just furious at having Christmas day ruined, especially as DH and I had made the trip to the UK from abroad, to spend the day with family.
It's not a good idea to change the dynamics of a group, it can turn out badly.

Gwan1

Oh purplepixie you are so right! Good heavens,in this crazy world we need all the kindness there is.No one knows what the other person is going through and maybe is desperate for some friendship

And that's why there'd be no problem with our friend saying to me 'Linda's dying to see The Duke, I told her we were going on Tuesday and to come along', or 'Linda husband is away at the weekend. I thought we could meet her for a drink . You'll like her, she's great fun'.
But with a reunion, well the clue is in the name. If someone was organising a reunion for the class of 75 from St Hilda's Grammar School, or everyone who worked in Dockery's Print and Design between 1965 and 1980 would people be calling it cliquey and unfriendly to not include people who never went to St Hilda's or never worked in Dockery's?

It’s like being at school when someone else joins the group and everybody gets miffed.
Why don’t you just enjoy her company, if you have been friends for 30 years and know your friends inside out then a newcomer could be fun and interesting to meet.
Make her welcome, she might be feeling nervous herself of how you are going to accept her.

Theres not much you can do, unless you want to risk causing offence. I’d just think of it as getting to know someone new. It’s not worth the aggro. Enjoy your break

A courteous 'would any of you object' etc etc and NOT assume.?

Well we are all different aren't we and think differently on things. Mummer - I don't see a nasty side at all with my post and sorry you think that.
I was involved with a family history group with 3 other ladies and after the course finished we met up regularly for coffee and see how each of us had made progress. A friend of mine asked could she come and the other ladies said they had enjoyed her company and the extra information she had for family history and different sites to try. It worked out well but as I said people think very differently.

Odd you were all not consulted - odd the friend wants to come when it’s a group so we’ll established

I wouldn’t like this at all. I’m quite socially awkward with people I don’t know and it would spoil the trip for me.

I have a really good friend that I meet up with often both alone and with our husbands. She has a group of friends that have all known each other for 30 years (school mums). I have met these friends lots of times at her parties but when she invited me to join the group for a trip away I declined. I would have changed the dynamic of the group and I knew her friends wouldn’t like it.

It’s not being unkind for the group member to arrange to do something else with her other friend at another time.

I’m just surprised that the unknown person would even want to go away with a group of very old friends, I certainly wouldn’t. The dynamic would be altered and I would feel uncomfortable

H1954

I think I would be a bit miffed too, it could potentially spoil the whole dynamics. Can I suggest that you suggest this new lady joins the rest of you for the Group for a coffee a couple of times so that you can all get to know her, you might be surprised by her personality and could all have a great time together.

I think this is a really good idea. You could have it as a planning meeting for what you will be doing over the weekend so the new lady knows what to expect.
She might fit right in, if not you have an opportunity to speak to the friend that's invited her before the weekend away.
Or the lady herself might decide "something's unexpectedly cropped up" on the weekend in question.
Either way it would set your minds at rest beforehand Beswitched.

No, it wouldn’t bother me tbh. Strangers are only friends you’ve yet to meet. You may get on really well with them.

Imagine you’re the one who’s been invited by a friend, you know the others have been friends for many years. You’re going to feel awkward and probably nervous meeting these new people.

Don’t make them feel they’re not welcome, just enjoy their company, and have a great time.

If the friendship group's purpose is to reminisce on long-past shared experiences then any newcomer would be surplus to requirements and totally change the dynamic.

If the group's purpose is to encourage new blood to enable it to flourish then the newcomer is relevant. However, that's not the case, and the newcomer herself simply wants to sample the particular venue the group has chosen, not to make any contribution to the group. There's no comment about her people a lonely soul desperate for friendship and socialisation.

Suggest to your friend that if she really wants to facilitate her friend's aim of visiting that particular hotel, she go with her on a separate occasion. Can't imagine why the new friend would want to gate-crash a well-established annual reunion - she must be terribly selfish.

Oh purplepixie you are so right! Good heavens,in this crazy world we need all the kindness there is.No one knows what the other person is going through and maybe is desperate for some friendship

Reading this thread I do wonder who stole all the voices of grown women so that they whine like a powerless child, believing themselves unable to speak the truth and say 'NO'. The suggestions of resorting to lying and making excuses and coming up with fake stories and suggestions of putting up with it whilst being kind and fake smiling. It is all very exhausting.
Ring your guilty friend and tell her 'NO'. No outsiders are to be invited. What was she thinking?!
Open your mouth and say how you actually think and feel.
Radical I know but hey- that is what men do every single moment.
There is nothing virtuous or kind about all this dishonest martyrship and putting up with stuff. Say 'NO' and mean it.

has the friend thought about how this other lady might feel in the company of a group of strangers. After all you know one another, will have common interests to talk about and she will know no-one. Okay if she wants to do things on her own and only meet up with you all occasionally during the hols.

My sister in law used to do this. I don’t see my brother that often and whenever we visited them they would invite some friends along too. I felt miffed as I wanted family time and had nothing in common with the friends. They rarely came to us as they didn’t like leaving the dogs! We just didn’t go so often. Maybe that was the idea!!

I am wondering if the friend talked your friend into inviting her and your friend just couldn't say "no". Perhaps all of you could meet on a zoom call and ask your friend who invited the other person if she thinks her friend would feel uncomfortable with a bunch of old friends reminiscing and speaking in their own shorthand, and if she considered that she will have to keep this person entertained, and this may be a drain on her, and would take away from the purpose of you all getting together.

I have had a similar situation which I hope will give you all a giggle.
I have a group of friends who used to meet up every three months or so.Not yet resumed due to covid.
Anyway one time one of group’s husband invited one of their new neighbours to our lunch, we were all a bit surprised as the husband’s don’t come and his wife didn’t know he had invited her until after she had accepted,We were welcoming to her but
it was a bit difficult to chat to her to make her feel welcome as we were on a long table instead of a round one she was on the end I felt for her and she never came again after finding out that no one knew The Husband had invited her.
We have been friends since childhood so I am afraid the husband got it in the neck from a few he never did it again.

I agree it can be tricky mixing up different groups of friends, it doesn’t always work but sometimes people do blend in immediately and a fresh face can be a good thing . You can be a part of a loyal long standing group that ends up falling apart for various reasons, health issues, people moving away, or sadly dying off and then you’re on your own, this happened to my own mum some years ago. Some people are not so good at forming friendships and need a helping hand so it’s nice to invite them along to a social event and sometimes a new face freshens things up. A weekend away may be a step too far for the first meet though but it may be she goes off and does her own thing and just doesn’t want to be completely on her own in the hotel. Your friend should really have asked first but if this person is already booked on the trip I’d just go along with it now as it could cause issues that break the whole group up. You never know you might all hit it off straight away. What do the others who are going think and another question, why doesn’t she have a weekend at the hotel with her husband if she is so keen to go there (could there be issues there).

There is always the chance that she forced her friend to invite her along . Your friend ‘we are going away at the weekend staying in Dardar hotel.” Other “ oh I’ve always wanted to stay there, can I come too’ . Poor friend couldn’t think on her feet and felt that that she couldn’t say no . Maybe one of you should tell the woman that she can’t come , to help your friend out of a bind .