Do you have to be selfless to be a good mother?

I loved being a mum and still do. I'd have loved to have been a GM but as we're estranged from our youngest son and only GC that is very unlikely to happen.

I was and am a good mum and it's good to know that despite losing our youngest.

Granny23

You have a great dynamic going on in your family! Glad it is working out so well

For me it is simple.....I cannot be happy if my DDs and DGC are not happy. My greatest pleasure is to be of some assistance whether that is with time, money, or just a listening ear. But this works both ways. Now that I am old, widowed and not as confident with things (especially doing everything on line) as I used to be, they give me great support and help. They call this 'pay-back time'. Still I have a great need to play my part in the family and am delighted when asked to mind the now teenage DGC, perhaps when they are off school, unwell, etc. I also fulfil the role of proof reader for DDs as they both often have important written submissions/reports, etc. which must be perfect. This makes me feel useful - a labour of love.

No hard and and fast rule. Treat em mean keep em keen seems to work with some.being a smother mother works with others. The truck is finding the method that works for you, I never did ergo estranged from#2DS and close to #1DS. GO FIGURE!

I was reluctant to be a mother. Maybe my upbringing. When 36 my husband of seven years said I might be leaving it too late. Had one son aged 33 today, St Patrick’s Day. He didn’t sleep the first five years as I followed mum’s advice to put him in bed at 6 p.m. so me and husband could have an evening. Thanks mum. He was wide awake by midnight Once he started primary school, he slept and I could enjoy motherhood. Such a surprise how great it was. OH worked weekends so me and son would have outings together and had such fun. Being a mother was nothing like I imagined and so much better. I gave up my job in the City and started a business from home and had au pairs so I was always around. We have an easy going relationship and he’s very encouraging of the things I do now I am retired, working as a film extra, selling on EBay etc. I don’t regret a moment (well maybe the sleepless nights) but think he got the work ethic from me. He works in TV just like his mum did. Wish I had triplets.

I do think parents are thrown in at the deep end with no training whatsoever.

Oh Rockgran how right you are!! My mother used to say exactly the same thing: children don’t ask to be born- you bring them into this world for your own pleasure, so you owe them everything and they owe you nothing- they will respect you if you respect them, and love you if you love them. But there is no absolute guarantee -assume and live with it if you can ( it would break my heart if my sons ignored me, but it’s their life and their choices) Now I’ll run and hide behind the settee!!

I had my 3 children early and as we were short of money I had to put them first . The plus side of this was by the time I was in my early 40s they were all grown up and I could then take care of myself. We went out every weekend and went on foreign holidays twice a year . I was doing all the things a lot of other people did in their 20s and 30s . My children are very close to me . I see them every week and are lovely people with children of their own .

I love being a mum and love my children to distraction. My pleasure has been to put them first. I enjoyed bringing them up so much. Call me old fashioned, I don't mind.
They have turned out well. Loving and kind and good parents and partners. I think motherhood is like any job you do...... you reap what you sew.

No. There is a balance there which is what should be aimed for.
Plus children should learn that parents have lives too!

I dont consider I was a bad Mum. I did put my children first when they were younger. However I am not one of those mothers who hadn't let go. If my children need me I am here to help. They know that. However I let them get on with their lives and I don't really interfere. I always ask before I visit. Even the one that lives nearest. I couldn't let them still use my home as a hotel just walking in and out as they liked I would never expect them to let me do that to them either.

Am I the only person who lays in bed at night and thinks what a crap mother they were?

No - I too have cringes in the middle of the night.
But on the whole I did/am doing my best and both Chn trust me with their own off-spring so must have got it right for them some of the time.

Paperbackwriter

Do such questions ever get asked of men? I hate how women are forever agonising over whether they're good enough.

A good point there Paperbackwriter

I adore my children (and their children) but I'm not sure I could be considered as completely selfless. Have I always tried to do my best for them? Yes! I don't think I can do better than that but they are mainly well rounded adults with even my most difficult child having a good relationship with me. I think it is more important for children to grow up to be resilient and considerate but I am not sure that their mother being entirely selfless would have achieved that.

Agree with TwiceAsNice

MissAdventure

It's important to retain a sense of self.
Each person is as important as the next, and it's an excellent lesson for families to learn.

I want to be regarded and respected as a person in my own right, not just as some kind of martyr.

I absolutely agree with this. Too much self-sacrifice and martyrdom results only in spoilt, self-centred little dictators. Obviously you need your children to feel secure and valued, but you don't need to sacrifice your own life.

Agree with Baggs

I think everyone is different, that every parent and every child.
I accept that children have needs and these need to be tended to, that's not 'wants' but needs.
Being different every child doesn't necessarily love and respect a parent better than the next for any sacrifices they may have made. All relationships need working at, and role modeling for the next generation is important. Showing a child that every person (parent & child) needs to be appreciated and looked after is an important message for their future parenting, and how they look after themselves in the future!

I have always put my children first and always will. I now put my children plus grandchildren first. They are vulnerable and need someone to be there at their backs. To be fair, I’ve always been open about this with partners. If they object, they’re not for me.

Agree with the 'balance' theory. But I do question why many people have children when they're not prepared to change their lifestyles to accommodate them. Having children is an existential change but so many couples fail to acknowledge this and think they can somehow or other make the babies/children 'fit' around them. They never have time to go and watch them doing creative activities at school, want to preserve their ability to have weekends away without the children, and then wonder why there's no real bond when the kids go off to university and don't want to come home in reading weeks or even at the end of term. For many it is unfortunately just part of a conveyor belt which they see their counterparts also being on and they never develop any decent relationships with their children, regretting it in later life when they're old and lonely.

I definitely put my children first (and still do in a way) and wouldn’t have had it any other way
I don’t mean I do everything for them or give them everything but they were my priority in every way I could manage

Do such questions ever get asked of men? I hate how women are forever agonising over whether they're good enough.

Totally agree with MissAdventure. Yes to an extent your children come first but not to the point of providing endless childcare for their children. The same with finances.

I agree with Miss adventure

I know many beautiful, well turned out mothers who equally take pride and care in themselves, as well as their children. Doing everything for your children and not letting them learn about life is never a good thing. I also know many who, part of large families grew up on a farm, and they will tell you their many daily chores around the farm helped them learn many life skills and therefore causing them to grow up to be balanced and caring people, and parents.

I think this also sums it up