The life you could have had

I thought a lot about the "What Ifs" during lockdown, and found a lot of comfort in the book "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haigh. As well as the storyline, the author had lots of interesting things to say about regrets, and the thing that resonated with me was that there will be happiness and sadness in any life, whichever path you take.

My only regrets are my two failed marriages, neither husband was right for me. However, without them I wouldn’t now have three lovely kind adult children. I’m on good terms with both of the exes but shudder when I think of the wasted years living with them.

I don't really have regrets either. My husband is right for me, if a little cantankerous and irritating at times.
Strange really, we could easily not have met and both our lives would have been completely different.
I have one regret, involving someone I met at university and it never worked out - but I think I would have led him a merry dance and he is much happier with his wife. However he will always be "the one who got away".
There are certainly mistakes that I have made, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Sometimes apparent mistakes ĺead to better things in the future.

I regret all the time I wasted on men. They were all selfish, I was always trying to please. Single now for 15 years and the happiest I have ever been.

Something I've never thought about to be honest. I'm 64 and been married since the age of 19. We've had more than our share of worries and strife but we're still plodding along. How could i want things to have been different when I have 2 adult children and 6 grandchildren who are the apple of my eye. After reading this post, I did wonder where I would be now if I'd gone to university as planned, instead of getting married more or less straight after leaving school.

Try not to think about a life I might have had. As it is some parts of my life are very good and others not so good but who knows it might have been the same whatever choices I had made.

I went to Drama School, met my lovely husband and had 3 lovey children and now grandchildren. I trained as an actress and/or teacher but chose the safe option of teaching. I just wish I had had a stab at the theatre. I know I could have mad it although that may be wishful thinking. It is a rotten life with lots of rejection but still.........

I got it all so wrong, mainly through naivety and my softest heart ruling my head. Parents broken-hearted at my marrying someone they deemed unsuitable, saying we were incompatible. They were right. My husband was controlling and definitely a loner, not interested in socialising and not liking any of my friends, and totally devoid of any care or compassion. I struggled on for 30 years. I still don't know why I could not see all this but that my parents could. I became deeply devastated that my beloved parents were so sad for me. I believe that my life's path was destiny!

I'm not wealthy, I don't have a lot of things (including a house) but I've had a great life that's been filled with love. A fair few highs and lows, but I believe the decisions you make, whether good or bad, make you into the person you are now. So if you're happy in your own skin, that's a successful life.

If I'd known my DH would refuse to ever move out of the house we bought when we got married, I would have waited and chosen somewhere better. At the time I thought it was just a step on the property ladder.
At one point I nearly persuaded him we should buy a seaside guest house; I do sometimes wonder how that would've worked out but don't really regret it. We've had a very happy life on the whole.

Oooh, what a lot of different paths we could have all gone down. The butterfly effect would make me not change a thing, because even the awful things in my life led to new and better things; I think I might not have been lucky enough to get the good without the bad. Imagine a bland 'nice enough but no highs' existence! I have been lucky with my life partner, after a ghastly abusive relationship at uni. Had I married the former goodness knows if I'd even be here to tell the tale. However, having finished with him and still at uni, I began going out with my now OH, a very different and lovely man, a fine art student full of creativity, adventures and laughter. That, plus the babies we made makes me happy to have given up some of the 'what ifs', but I do know I'm lucky. My mother was not so lucky (until my father died aged only 60), but then she would probably have said the 30 odd years after that were joy-filled.

May be my age but the older I become am looking back on my life and how fortunate I have been. Much of this life was achieved that involved 'others'crossing my path but why only now.?

At the age of 20 I came to England from South Africa. I was one of only 12 passengers on a rather gorgeous small ship. Several passengers were titled. I became friendly with a Lord.. at the end of the voyage he asked me if I would like to visit him at his mansion. He was a lot older than I was and he had 3 adult sons. I said yes and he wrote down his phone number on a piece of paper.

Of course I lost the paper! Looking back I suppose I could have married either him or one of his sons... I could have been a Lady! But I was happily married to a man I met at work!

I think it is only natural to look back. I Do quite a lot! I feel very lucky to have had such a good life with lovely family. Life has ups and downs. We have been married for 50 years which I’m quite proud of really? I might have taken a different path when I was younger but DH has been with me and there for me always. More years in good health is all I look for now. Make the most of Every Day.

Whoever joins people this conversation self selects.

Probably the terrible failures such as myself don't want to brag.

Everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that as one who took the road less travelled!

I've had a sad life regarding my family. Now retired but as soon as I moved into a nice house I have become disabled. I try to make as good a life as I can but it's not easy.

I have had difficult and very painful times in my life and I've also had good times - like most people, I imagine. But I want to celebrate the things in my life right now which I can be grateful for - for me, to spend time wishing I'd made different choices is a recipe for making myself miserable. There are many good things which have come out of the hard times - though when they were happening that was not easy to see. Please don't waste your life wishing for what might have been - instead find what you can be grateful for in the life you actually have. I find now that I get great pleasure from seeing flowers, the sky, dew on the grass, a child smiling - I know these things may sound too simple or even simple minded - but I guess lots of people will feel the same.I know for some people the life they have now is not easy - and I hope you can reach out and find support, and that there are some things for you to be glad you actually have.

Norry55

I'm not wealthy, I don't have a lot of things (including a house) but I've had a great life that's been filled with love. A fair few highs and lows, but I believe the decisions you make, whether good or bad, make you into the person you are now. So if you're happy in your own skin, that's a successful life.

I think that "happy in your own skin" is exactly the way to think about your life: what you have, have done, and who you are. It's so sad when you know people who are disappointed in their life, there must be something there that they can think of with pleasure.

When I look back over my life everything I have done, every decision I've made has shaped my life. 1st marriage was a disaster, very controlling H, divorced quickly as I had met the man destined to be 2nd H. Together almost 10 years, my beautiful DD as a result of that marriage. 2nd H left us when DD was 4 years old. I went back to education for 3 years & a friend I made there introduced me to 3rd DH, 23 very happy years until I was widowed 9 years ago at age 57 (DH was 14 years older that me). Moved to Devon 7 years ago to be closer to DD & DGSs. I'm content living on my own, had a few adventures & few men in my life, I have no intention of marrying again but would be happy with a relationship if one should happen. I have lots of friends & live in a beautiful area. No regrets just lots of experiences good & bad, mostly good. to those of you who've had sadness during their lives

Never worried me. I always thought if I had a crystal ball I wouldn’t want to know the future having had quite a few knock backs over the years.
When we got to be the age we are and retired you try to make a life that is different from the working life we had.
My only big regret was my sons death in 2007 and could I have done more to save him (domestic violence) the guilt and if only
is with me everyday.

This is such a good thread. I’ve been thinking of posting something very similar but just not got around to it ?‍♀️. I do have regrets, I wish I didn’t but I do and I’m envious of those who are content. I too wish I’d had better career advice, gone to uni instead of being told by my dad that ‘it was ok I’d have a husband to keep me’. How archaic! My dad was lovely but it was just the era he lived in. I wish I’d branched out, gone to live in London, been more adventurous instead of staying in my home town. It’s probably an age thing, but that yearning is still there. I feel like I’ve under achieved and I don’t think that feeling will ever leave me. All this said and even though I married young, we’re still together and have a good life. Have two lovely children and one grandchild and for that I’m eternally grateful.

We walk the path we are supposed to take. We all regret and wonder 'what if'. Each turn is part of learning....

Sometimes ponder this. Think it natural although foolish/whimsical. I was offered a very prestigious job abroad. We (husband, toddler & baby) weighed up the pros and cons and, with immense difficulty, decided to stay put with family nearish. Apart from husband's early demise, I have no regrets but often just........... wonder..........

I don’t even think about it- too busy making the most of the life I have