The life you could have had

karmalady

nadaturbe, luck does not come into it. My life has been down to my choices, starting from childhood. Too many people say `luck` in order to justify their own life choices

Oh but you have been lucky. Of course our choices matter. and we can't always blame others for bad choices, but sometimes things happen that are outside our control and our lives are altered for ever. I call that bad luck.

When I passed the 11 plus examination I was offered a scholarship to a very exclusive girls’ school in Worcester. My father’s career in the police was on the up and he was getting many promotions which sometimes meant moving house and changing schools. They suggested I could have a more stable education as I could board in the week and go home at weekends and holidays but left the final choice to me. I said no because I was very shy and it seemed very daunting but also because I loved my parents very much and couldn’t bear the thought of being away from them. I don’t regret my decision but sometimes wonder how different my life might have been. DH says he is very thankful that I said no. As it happened I only had two schools after primary school and made lifelong friends in both schools.

I sometimes wonder how things would have been, if I had stayed in Australia after my marriage broke down rather than return home to the UK.
I was in a foreign land that I had only just begun to feel at home in after 5 years, no family close by and no friends - only the ex's family who were really quite inclusive , as I only had worked part time and that as for my mother in law.
Who knows? I might have actually had my own house rather than renting, and maybe even some sort of financial security ?
At the time I couldn't see the point in staying with a 12 month old to take care of, along with having to watch my ex carry on his life as if neither of us existed - instead he was able to do that at a distance !

My life has been chaotic, full of changes, many people and different homes but it's part of my personality...liking new things, changes and fresh starts, so I can't complain. I've learnt so much. Every decision I have made seemed to be the only one to make at the time, as if there was no real choice.

A difficult childhood, difficult relationships within the family have led me to explore different lifestyles to see if they 'fit'. I've yet to find anyone completely on my wavelength but that's ok.

My marriage gave me a stability, a home and 2 sons [now both with 2 children] who have made my life worth living so grateful to my exH for that.

I'm now safe, well, content, reasonably at peace, living a simple life alone but in my lovely home, garden, with my books, financially sound and am grateful for every day. So I can't have got it all wrong.

My sons are the only ones who have not let me down in life though. The ones that have let me down were great at the time and right for me at the time. I can say I have bucket loads of good memories...and hope to make more before I depart.

nadaturbe, luck does not come into it. My life has been down to my choices, starting from childhood. Too many people say `luck` in order to justify their own life choices

I spent my 30s in a "coulda, woulda, shoulda" frame of mind and by 40 decided that what I wasn't happy with by then either had to be changed by me or put up with for the rest of my life. So I made two life changing decisions and have never looked back or regretted them for a second. Life is full of compromises; we make the decisions at the time, with the information we have available. I have no regrets and no recriminations. Life is good.

That’s very wise and positive Jane

Annie I’ve said it before, but I’m so sorry about your husband and daughter.

Grannmarie Thank you.
henetha Annie.
Sometimes our attitude to life is not of our own making. Some people can pick themselves up and be happy despite horrible things. Some cannot.
In my case, I am constantly on edge waiting for the next bad thing.
If course I've had some lovely times thanks to my husband and lovely family. I think I'm a bit broken really.

I imagine the pandemic has caused most people to reflect on their lives, I don't think this is a bad thing as it makes us draw a line under things and make peace with them before moving forward

I can’t think of any bad decisions I made, loved my husband, didn’t choose for him to die after 8 years of marriage, didn’t
choose for my darling daughter to have bipolar and take her
life, didn’t choose to be dependent on a wheelchair.

Oh, did choose to cut off people after my daughter’s suicide because of their judgements on her mental illness and suicide.

Thank you Grannmarie

Kate , Henetha .

Well we are where we are aren’t we. I have one major regret which if I had been brave enough would have taken me in a different direction. I do thing about it sometimes, but then I wouldn’t have had the children I have or my lovely DH.

Thanks FannyCornforth. I'm used to the whole thing now.
I spent years trying to stop feeling sorry for myself. I regard it with wry amusement that my mother tried hard to abort me, and then ditched me, but I have lived to be 84.
That showed her!

Henetha

What life would I have had if my parents had actually liked each other enough to stay together and raise me, instead of giving me away? I often wonder.

I understand why I made the bad decisions I did make.

I have always thought that the two saddest words in the English language are IF ONLY........

What is the point? Anyway, no-one can really know what pitfalls and disasters that parallel life may have occured.

Obviously, with the benefits of hindsight many of us can look back and recognise wrong decisions made, but it these, as well as the good ones, that make us what we are now.

So, my marriage should never have taken place (and I knew that almost from Day 1) BUT.......the wonderful children that have come out that are worth any of the heartache that ensued. Nothing, now could be better than they and their children. So perhaps it was a good decision!!!

But it would make little difference now if it had not been. I am what I am now.

Pinkcosmos
Same here. I shouldn’t have married my first ( and only) husband
But I met my now partner ( 42 yrs) through that marriage.
I think we were destined to meet as we discovered that we had just missed each other working together at 3 different companies.

Totally agree Coastpath. I feel exactly like this at the moment. I can almost feel the other lives, existing with me, just in different realities. I'm not sure I like the sensation much!

This thread has reminded me of the film Sliding Doors.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da-Mizk86AE

Life is a permanent crossroads. In my case the other routes would have been different, not necessarily better or worse, just different.

If I could change one thing it would be shaking off the negative effects of my childhood as soon as possible and not waiting until I was in my 50s to do so.

I think for every other option of what I could have had, I know there would be a downside.

I would love to be able to live in New Mexico again. It truly was a beautiful place. But I know the downside to living is the US is that it is the US and there is lots I really don't like about it.

And Spain, beautiful, and my school would have been wonderful for my DGS. But the natives were very unfriendly and really disliked the British, so long term, it would have been hard. Great health service though!

I think if I could have looked into the future, to the life I have now, there are only a couple of things I would have changed. Get divorced much sooner. Why be miserable?
And stop being so critical about my family and accept that we are all flawed.

Mostly, I would be astounded at how much I was able to achieve, for a girl who left school with only one O Level.

My life has mainly been led by the DH I married. No regrets there, but the other two opportunities I had could have lived a very different life. One I don't know what has happened the other I would have had to change completely and never have been the person I really am.
Yes, I have made mistakes over the years with the children but all seem to have worked out eventually.
Just one regret I had to live and work for many years in a city I did not like, which has led to us practically moving back to our roots and the children at the other end of the country.
I think like the Edith Piaff song as well. More happiness to come.

MiniMoon

We were all set to emigrate to New Zealand. I had my RMN qualification and they were recruiting nurses at the time. We were all set to apply for visas etc when my husband's mother became ill. He didn't want to leave the country while she was so poorly.
We put off our application, but after that, the time never seemed right.
We didn't go, and it is the biggest regret of my life.

Yes, we were offered the chance to go many years ago but my mother was very ill at the time too.
We regretted it for years but have since visited NZ - it's lovely but I don't feel regretful any more although I think DH still might.

I`m happy with my lot,i don`t live in the past,there`s no point in thinking " what if ".
It is what it is.