Needing a stencil

We always have desecrated coconut in our house.

I've just remembered my aunt, who had a very dominant husband, and stayed mostly indoors for the whole of her marriage.

Her husband liked her hair long, but she yearned for a short, spiky style.

When he died, she plucked up all of her courage, caught the bus, (practising what to say all the way there) and went into the hairdressers.

She went up to the counter and blurted out "I want a cut and a blow job, please!"

"The Hells Angel nearly hit me as he shot passed with his pavilion passenger" commented a friend.

A friend told me that her husband was decorating the dining room and was fitting a dildo

Many years ago at a tennis tournament a school friend (who later became a well known actress) announced in a very loud voice that she was ‘absolutely ravishing’ and could eat a horse.

I have a very good friend (aka Mrs Malaprop) who comes out with some crackers

“My brother went skinny dipping with no clothes on”

Pointing out the desalination plant near her house “that’s the salutation plant”

“Can you smell the chloroform in the pool?”

“He got his guns out”. ( it was a stick up!)

I once worked someone who was so crazy about her boyfriend she put him on a peder stool.

In an exam I was marking one candidate had written that “some people have low self of steam”

A friend of mine one described another friend as being a very articulated lady !

My sister and I used to smile when our DM admired her own finger nails (which had always been long and strong) but which were particularly long in her old age (probably due to prescribed Vitamin D and home help to do the washing up)

She would boast about how "virile" she was!

I must add that otherwise, right up almost until the end, she had a very wide and erudite vocabulary.

Someone i worked with was buying cream cakes for everyone and told the shop assistant that she doesn`t want the ones with sympathetic cream.

DMIL lived in fear of contracting osteopsoriasis.

Just today, I read of somebody wanting to dissemble
- I don’t get pretending to be a greenhouse?

A friend talking of her grandson’s tantrums ‘He’s just going through a phrase’!

A really funny thread,I cannot think of a contribution but enjoyed reading these.

My friends Mum had invited her son's girlfriend for Sunday Lunch " .... but she's got that disease - she's a vegetarian "

I have a lovely friend who says things like, this room is big for the size .
I'm fact that's what we called her for years.

She admired the artwork that I did in the house and wanted me to paint one of "them Muriels" on her son's bedroom walls .
She was concerned about his night terrors when I pointed out that Tyrannosaurus Rex on the ceiling wasn't such a great idea.

I've just remembered another gem - on holiday in Africa she was thrilled to see a of them gazebos
.
I hope that she never changes .I love her true Cockney accent and the endless malapropisms .

When my mum told people my uncle had dementia she rolled her tongue so it sounded like dementhia, just like the Spanish pronounce Valencia.

My Brother was in hospital, according to my mother he needed a sirloin drip.

Years ago in tesco I heard a woman say she was going to buy automatic duck. (Aromatic duck). Every since we've called it automatic duck!

I was a Speech and Language Therapist. One mother told me that her three year old's delayed speech was due to his swollen androids (good job I'd practised the straight face). Lots of other drollery through the years that makes me smile now, but I'm sure we have all made errors from time to time.

My MIL was very pleased with her new bisexual jeans....

My friend's neighbour was told by the GP her triglycerades were high - reported back to my friend as her triangles being high

A colleague once told me that he had been made an escaped goat.

A pupil one told me he had been using “ metal fluff “ in his technology lesson. He meant wire wool!