Needing a stencil

Brilliant topic. Reminds me of my mums trellis tables, DH made comments regarding cups etc falling through but to no avail. Our all time favourite was when she was recalling her holiday where the sand was black due, apparently, to the orgasmic rock. We nearly choked!!

These have cheered me up on a lonely depressing Sunday morning.

I worked in a food shop, had a customer ask where the decimated coconut was.

Checking my receipt many years ago I found I had purchased 'skilled milk'.

6 year old son, on passing the local Church Hall, asked me why there were always old people lap-dancing there?
They were line dancing ?

MawtheMerrier

Just today, I read of somebody wanting to dissemble
- I don’t get pretending to be a greenhouse?

I am missing two things here. I can't find anything about a greenhouse, nor can I work out what the person wanting to dissemble meant.

Was he confusing dissemble with dissasemble?

Not that I particularly care for dissasemble as a verb - it sound to me like something a computer technician added to the language.

A 14 year old pupil of mine who was not a native English speaker worried me by writing in an essay "We went to the Zoo and afterwards we had buggers."

Concerned enquiry on my behalf elicited the information that they went from the Zoo to Burger House!

A friend of mine once bought a stimulated leather sofa.
I sat on it once and was quite disappointed.

My mum had a friend who went to Port Ugal every year on holiday.
A child at school said she liked the taste of her mother's stiplick.
My father who knew he was doing it insisted on calling dedicated coconut masticated.

When my then primary aged child came home and I asked what they had for school dinner they said " Chicken curry with hosannas in . "

My poor terrified mum whilst experiencing turbulence on a flight, was told by a very helpful lady 'Don't worry dear, its only terminal '

My lovely MIL was telling me that the chip shop near her had been refurbished and renamed - 'Now it's called the Posy Don'... (Poseidon)
We've called it that ever since...! ?

My sister had a Belgian friend whose English was usually perfect. However, one day she said to my sister 'Your eyebrows are a lovely shape. Do you unplug them?

My friend once told me she was on tenderpins (tenterhooks)

Just after starting school I went home to mother and informed her I needed to take some sneeze paper in the next day. (Tissue paper).

Desiccated not dedicated I'm getting as bad.

More to make you smile
Actual call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

My husband’s first language is Welsh and he says many strange phrases so I have to “translate then in to English.

After watching a friend’s daughter in a ballet he said “ we’ll that was well corrugated. (Choreographed)
He described a man as a pain in the throat (neck).
A French friend when asked how old his grandaughter was “She’s half past two now.”
Often when you analyse the English language it is strange. Try explaining to a foreigner the phrase ‘Walk To work’ we pronounce walk more like work and work like werk. Very confusing for them and ‘Ough’ in a word takes a long time to teach. Think of thorough, enough, through and thought.

My school friends mum told us we had to be quiet as she was watching the 'Grand Pricks Dancing Championships'
She couldn't understand why 2 13yr old girls were in fits of laughter

My young work colleague announced, "Well, it's a gibbon" when we were talking about something really obvious.

A friend was telling us about a new camera he had bought and how many mega 'pixies' it had!

Loving this thread!

Not a word mix up but this was hard to grasp. A colleague, a young woman of about 18, went out for a sandwich at lunchtime as did other colleagues. When they came back, they discussed what sandwich they had bought. One said they had bought the Manager's special. This young lady replied 'I would have loved that.' They asked why she didn't get it and she replied 'Well I'm not a Manager'. !!

During my time employed in Social Work department as I was assessing an older lady, she advised she had a pain and could I fetch her vagina (angina) pills!

My lovely MIL once told me proudly that her DD was going to holiday in Ryvita. Ibiza really.

This thread has had me laughing out loud. Can I share an item that was for sale on our local selling site… a chester draws.
And a child in my primary class once accused me of having ‘no symphony’ when she hurt herself.

I admit I made a gaff once as a medical secretary.

The hospital called to inform the GP practice (that I was working at) to say one of our patients had passed away.
After putting the phone down I blurted out Another one bites the dust.
The office went silent and I wished the ground could swallowed me up.........