It’s nothing to do with me!

Same here, have backed off a good bit from someone who incessantly moans about anything, everything and nothing, both current situations and going back to the year dot. I think what finished it for me (after listening for yet again another couple of hours) was them saying that no-one listens to them. A very depressing and draining person who will never be happy with anything positive, so I am limiting the time and energy spent on them. Life, especially nowadays, is just too short. It feels harsh but I just can't take any more of that.

GrannyL-I'd never heard of that'circus' phrase- but i quite like it!?

M0ira

One morning while looking out of my window I saw a young man asleep on the wooden bench opposite our house. A few hours later he was still there. I went across and sat down on the bench. I said hello and told him my name. I asked if he would like a hot drink and maybe something to eat? He was just so sad. Slowly after I said “ please tell me your story” he started to talk and talk. We chatted and I listened. He was estranged from his mum and his dad had kicked him out of the house the night before. Hence, being asleep on the bench. After a while I got him to promise that he would go to his mums. He got up and left.
All that day I worried about him. The next day he arrived on my doorstep with his mum. A beaming smile on both their faces. They came to say thank you. I cried. Not all encounters with people are bad?.

What a beautiful soul you are. Not many people would have helped that young man.....We need more people in the world like you....

Well nanna8 I've tried not to be suspicious of these two and they do a lot for her. I'm not sure where she'd be without them but the things they say about her are pretty appalling.
She is a nice old lady and is very good to them and their family. Our family also. Right up to last year when our granddaughter was 21, she has given her money for birthdays, Christmas and Easter. My husband however is very suspicious and says they didn't expect her to live so long.
I swept the leaves from her drive once as the neighbour had been complaining about all she does and that she had a bad back. She lost the plot in that occasion too and stormed about saying 'I know where I'm not wanted'.

My neighbour was coming out of the chemist when an older lady collapsed in front of her. Being a care assistant she bent down to talk to the old lady to see if she was OK. The old lady shrieked at her not to touch as she was unclean, and she wanted her own 'kind.' Apparently she was from a religious sect, and those that were not were unclean! She was wearing a small scarf on her head but I don't know the religion.
Upset my neighbour a lot as she's a very kind caring person.

I don’t put up with anyone I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t matter who they are. Have done it in the past...and it’s a road leading to a great big brick wall.

I surround myself with only the people I love, and who love me. I have to say, I’m don’t particularly dislike anyone...I’m just disinterested/ indifferent.

The result is, a lovely peaceful life, with no animosity.

A relative of mine is a lovely person, he is always there if we are ever needing help. He and his wife have both served in the armed forces and discovered a very elderly neighbour was a veteran. They used to go and chat to him about hi days in the forces as he was lonely and do odd jobs. They were warned off by the man’s family suspected of being fortune hunters. My relative was so upset and now says never again will he offer help. A sad story but understandable.

M0ira that's brilliant that you went over to talk to him

Great self care Honesuckleberries!
I'm aware of what I call,"unsolicited advice". I never give advice unless asked. It's so easy to see on the outside of a situation what would help, in our opinion. Our opinion can often be unhelpful. If someone asks for my opinion I'll give it, in the full knowledge that they will probably not take it, but rather just needed some input. I usually hand the conversation back to the person..asking them what they think would be a good solution etc. People do what they want in any case and rarely actually take advice on board... unless of course they have sought out and paid a lawyer etc.
As for people who want to unload their negative stuff, I no longer am willing to be a dumping ground for the 'poor me's' I'm happy to listen once but if it's the way a person is generally, I back off. I want to be around positive people and share the joy of life, not be on the receiving end of mood lowering negative moaning.

One morning while looking out of my window I saw a young man asleep on the wooden bench opposite our house. A few hours later he was still there. I went across and sat down on the bench. I said hello and told him my name. I asked if he would like a hot drink and maybe something to eat? He was just so sad. Slowly after I said “ please tell me your story” he started to talk and talk. We chatted and I listened. He was estranged from his mum and his dad had kicked him out of the house the night before. Hence, being asleep on the bench. After a while I got him to promise that he would go to his mums. He got up and left.
All that day I worried about him. The next day he arrived on my doorstep with his mum. A beaming smile on both their faces. They came to say thank you. I cried. Not all encounters with people are bad?.

Where will we be in this world if everybody gave up helping others? There’s a difference between helping and being nosey.

Please don’t get hard-hearted.

Try to avoid persecutor-victim-rescuer triangles: many start as the rescuer and become the victim!

I help where I can and often provide a sympathetic ear for the problems of others. I do though say no when it's something I don't want to do. My husband helps everyone along the way and is sometimes taken for granted which annoys me. Doesn't stop him offering help.

Kate1949 when I was very young we had an older neighbour who used to be helped by the.neighbour on the other side of her. When she died they complained bitterly that she had left them out of her will. Made me wonder exactly why they were helping her in the first place !

re helping people in the street.
i think it's easier, simpler to help strangers, because it is purely task/problem focussed.
with people we see repeatedly, patterns can emerge. we can slip into doormat-ism.
it's subtle, gradual, and complicated.
there is the attraction of the martyr role too.

Kate1949, that's horrible. i'd doubt the motives of that couple. sounds like they honed in on her in expectations of being rewarded, she is older, no children...
hence their anger at anyone else getting involved.
they ascribe to others their own motives.

I tried to help several months ago. But it went round in circles. One problem after another, and the cup was always half empty instead of half full. I walked away, after it affected my sleep patterns. Too old for rescuing people now.

I've no choice but to be involved with my neighbour (when it suits her, of course)
God knows I've tried to steer clear...

Our next door neighbour is 93. She lost her husband about 15 years ago. He had been ill for years and they never went anywhere. A couple over the road took her under their wing, taking her on holidays, involving her with their families (she has no children). She loved it, was grateful and treated them to short breaks, meals etc.
She is somewhat immobile now and they look after her. Lovely. They are now in their 70s. They take her to hospital appointments, get her shopping, arranged for a cleaner etc. However they complain and talk about her constantly, saying she is a moaner (she isn't), ungrateful (she isn't), how they've got enough to do with their own children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.
The woman even implied to me that she 'wished she would go. 'All sorts of horrible things. She thinks they are her friends.
A couple of weeks ago she needed a small job doing and the couple were out. My husband did the job and when the woman from the couple found out she went mad, saying that she would never help her again and that we could do it all. My neighbour was in floods of tears. I won't offer to help again.

I don't get involved with my neighbours either, though happy for a chat when we meet, usually on 'bins' day. Good terms all round and hoping to keep it that way.

choughdancer I think that's a good point - often people just want to talk something through to get it clear in their own heads. I do a good line of non-committal 'uh huh's' for a first listen, and then an 'appointment' if it looks as though we're going to go round the same block again I'm afraid.

If it's clear there's something I can can do of practical help then I'm only too glad to pitch in.

If I can help I will, as long as it is clearly needed, but I do not help people unless there is no one else.

Oh no, I don't get involved with neighbours. Learnt my lesson the hard way there. Keep myself to myself. Im happy to say hello, chat over the fence etc. Good fences make good neighbours.

Sometimes (often I think actually) people don't want advice or other help, but just to be heard/listened to/understood. Sometimes they need more. The only thing i want on my gravestone is 'She was kind.' I would never walk past someone in need of help. Recently I fell and broke my hip on a London street. I was absolutely overwhelmed by people's kindness; my daughters were both with me but so many passers by stopped to offer help, water, a cushion for my head, a blanket or coat to cover me. One kind man refused to accept that there wasn't an available ambulance and managed to get one to come.
I'm not criticising anyone else on this thread; I'm just going to keep on being kind whenever I can.

Can't help myself I like volunteering and would die of terminal boredom if I didn't pitch in to community stuff. Some of its very good and sometimes you have a bad experience. Swings and roundabouts.

A good deed never goes unpunished
too true AGAA4
As long as you remember that when you are about to launch in and make an offer.

I have just said yes, yet again to someone I vowed I would distance myself from as she is a taker. If you behave like a doormat , you get treated like one. Ah well! I have gone into this eyes wide open.