It’s nothing to do with me!

When you get to be older you look back on what you contributed to the community through the work you did over the years, and the taxes that were scammed out of you through PAYE. You see the example set to the rest of the nation by that gang of slimy crooks and shysters in westminster. It makes you think "well I have done my bit now" and make a decision that your declining years are going to be dedicated to the things you WANT to do rather than what others think you OUGHT to do.

Kate, I 'm 90 and I'd like to help a woman of 93 if she lived just next door and needed any help I could give. It's my own responsibility to draw the line and say "No" whenever.

I'd ask those other former volunteer helpers to help too if and when, unless they are horrible people. who would abuse me.

No man is an island - some of our contacts with our communities will go well, some not - but I do not think that this is a reason to cut oneself off and make a conscious decision to not be helpful to others.

The village I live in is a lovely community and everyone gets involved in helping each other in any way we all can. Sometimes we are the giver, sometimes the taker. It all balances out.

welbeck

Kate1949, that's horrible. i'd doubt the motives of that couple. sounds like they honed in on her in expectations of being rewarded, she is older, no children...
hence their anger at anyone else getting involved.
they ascribe to others their own motives.

Exactly this, you’ve saved me a lot of typing, I was going to say the same. I just worry that the old lady might need protecting from these people.

I've thought about that welbeck but generally she seems happy with the situation. Although she is 93, she has all her faculties and is no fool. She knows what she wants. Although she can't get to shops etc without their help, she gets around the downstairs of her house and garden with the aid of one of those wheelie things. She cooks. She depends on them but they can be unkind behind her back.

I really need to stop getting stuck in between my daughter and her daughters arguments. They are both as much to blame as the other and trying to make sure they are both safe is making me physically sick. I'm 70 years old and they are 48 and 21 respectively. Old enough to sort their own problems really but both have mental health issues that I don't really understand.

actually Kate, that sounds quite concerning.
they are causing her fear and distress, that is emotional abuse.
i wonder if a referral to social services safeguarding team would be appropriate.
can be done anonymously.
she is obviously a vulnerable person and they have a duty to check on her welfare if alerted.

Secretsquirrel I don't like to think badly of people and like I said, this couple have done so much for her. It's not done with good grace however.
To see her sobbing and looking frightened when this woman said that she would no longer help her because my husband had done one small job for her was heartbreaking.

Kate 1949, omg that couple sound horrible. They may be claiming Carers allowance from her already and I bet they were hoping to cash in when the elderly lady dies especially as she has no family. Probably why they went bat ?when your husband did a little job for her.
Hopefully the elderly lady will leave all her money an animal rescue or something lol

For the last 2 years I have gone out of my way to help a 'friend'. At short notice a month ago she demanded to meet for coffee. I apologised I had my sister staying, very unhappy response. Last week she commented she had been within 1/3 mile of me - but would only meet 'if I could guarantee I'd be available '. I suffer from a chronic disability, but am expected to know when I'm going to be well. I've given up. Another lady I thought a close friend only meets at my suggestion - then tells me I don't arrange things often enough...I pointed out it is a two way street and haven't bothered since. I fear I'm becoming a bitter, grumpy loner

I’ll always help if needed - but won’t be taken advantage of by chancers! Thankfully we’ve got great neighbours and we will happily help them out, as they do us.

Kartush I know just what that feels like, I did that too....for years.

During the first lockdown I volunteered through a local charity to be a "telephone friend" to several people. My job was to ring them at agreed times/days and pass on any requests for help to the charity workers. Some people wanted to chat and others did not - it was just a case of checking in to see if they needed any support.

There was one lady whom I call Joan (not her real name) who seemed to enjoy our chats and we got on really well.

One day I called and a strange voice answered. When I asked for Joan the person announced that she was Joan's daughter followed by "Oh so your the busybody whose been bothering my mother. Well you dont need to call again now Im here to look after her." I told the "daughter" that I would like to hear from Joan herself if she did not wish me to call again but the daughter rudely slammed down the phone. I tried calling again next day but there was no reply,

Worried about Joan I reported the incident to the charity worker who was my contact. I was suspicious of the stranger because Joan was really well spoken and the "daughter" had a much rougher accent and manner. The charity worker said they would send a welfare visitor around to see Joan and check on her. She advised me not to call again until they had looked into the incident. I never found out exactly what happened for reasons of privacy. However my contact later told me that social services had become involved in the case and instructed me not to try to contact Joan again.

I suspect there was a safeguarding issue involving the "daughter" but you have to tread very carefully when dealing with people who might be vulnerable.

My mum used to say go my sister who's so soft in nature.....Some people take SAFTNESS for DAFTNESS....so true....

Unfortunately some people take kindness for weakness. My DIL’s family are “takers” and we’ve helped them out several times with money and doing things for them as they said we are now “family”. Didn’t last long however as not invited to “family” events. I try not to get into that position any more.

I often (not always) like to help, but always ask first, to see if the person actually wants the help or not. And I have learnt its ok to say 'no' when I want to, as well as 'yes'.

Hi Everyone, I am new on here, have browsed for a long time but never messaged. I enjoy reading all your goings on, but where is the Crumpet Queen, I did so enjoy reading about her life, probably because she is the same age as me, but sounds a lot fitter! Have a good day all.

MOira, that is a beautiful story with such a lovely ending.

I would just add that my neighbour said to me recently 'You don't care about me. You never offer to help me.'
I tried to explain that that's simply not true. If course we would help her but those two over the road threaten to stop looking after her and she gets upset. They sort of blackmail her so we can't win really.

Wasting my time on one way friendships and I'm actually doing pretty well at it now.

I used to try to micro manage my family, to smooth out situations before they occurred, to keep the peace and avoid arguments between my husband and the kids and between each of the kids. It was exhausting and one day it fell apart and who got the blame? Yep me. So I stopped, I just stopped. Now they can fight their own battles and deal with the consequences.

There are times when I'd have been lost without my neighbours, and times when they'd have been lost without us.
Obviously there are people who just can't be helped, and people who take advantage of other people's kindness.
But it's not always like that.

sazz1

My neighbour was coming out of the chemist when an older lady collapsed in front of her. Being a care assistant she bent down to talk to the old lady to see if she was OK. The old lady shrieked at her not to touch as she was unclean, and she wanted her own 'kind.' Apparently she was from a religious sect, and those that were not were unclean! She was wearing a small scarf on her head but I don't know the religion.
Upset my neighbour a lot as she's a very kind caring person.

Sounds like she might have been a member of the Plymouth Brethren or the Jesus Army. We have a settlement near where I live and they are very insular. Did she have long untrimmed hair?

I used to take in parcels for one neighbor at other end of a row, as he did me, as we were on 'speaking at the gate terms' then some of others must have noticed, and before i knew it all the couriers etc were asking me to take in all parcels from all the 2 rows- one was huge- so when the pandemic came around i decided it was safer not to- and put a sign on door saying no acceptance- worked well till last week, when a delivery driver asked my son dashing out to college if we'd take next doors delivery- (clearly driver thought as Britain's dropping covid rules it was ok to ask again) But no, its still no!(the parcel was the size of the front door- maybe it even WAS a door?)I've not been asking anyone to take in mine in pandemic either, not even the neighbour on the end.So fair's fair. ?

Grandmabatty

I was for years the family fixer and struggled to say no. If I suggested anything and it didn't work out, I was given the responsibility of fixing it. I have learned to keep silent now and don't offer advice except to my daughter and only if she asks for it. Finally learning to step back is very liberating!

There is a marvellous easy way out of this quandary now-a-days.

If the other person cannot get what you suggested to work, just smile and say, " I am sure you can find a YouTube video that will show you how to do it."

And then start doing something else yourself.