The life-long friend who nonetheless annoys you

I can sympathise with Nanamar,
as only children whose ties with the past are limited, we don't want to sever old friendships. However the friendship seems very one-sided if she is unkind and selfish. I would keep a healthy distance and perhaps cultivate new friendships elsewhere; sometimes new friends can be kinder and friendlier than people we have known for a long time.

Thanks to all of you for sharing. As I read your comments, I began to see more clearly that the issue for me is that I’ve changed - mostly due to my life circumstances- but she hasn’t. So her MO is always the same - constant self—absorption re how she feels, strong emotional reactions to everything, emotional lability, high drama, etc. - and I guess I’m just tired of it. It’s not all been one-sided as she certainly has listened over the years to my issues, but I realize that she’s draining. My poor late DH used to get caught by her on the phone during her episodes of “anxiety” if I wasn’t home to talk her through it. Believe me, I don’t disparage anxiety disorders - DS has one. But he gets treatment. DH used to talk about how many of her sentences begin with “I.” When I was younger the creative and dramatic aspects of her personality were interesting - and different from me - but now it’s just old. As some of you noted, I don’t feel I can just drop her but keeping her more removed is what I need to do. She’ll never know that leaving her was one of the reasons (there were many) that I embraced moving so far away.

I have a friend similar to yours. I have cut down contact and when we do meet I don’t let her dominate the conversation even if this means cutting in and changing the subject which with anyone else I certainly would not do. I just got fed up with the cutting remarks and the lectures ! I attempt to keep the conversation light and the meetings short but I couldn’t cut her out altogether.

Oh I know how you feel. I had a friend since my teens, we got on so well together until her husband up sticks and left. I travelled to see her often ( over a 100 miles each time) supported her when the house was sold, was with her when she looked at other properties, helped her move and settled in,. She changed, lost a few of her friends because they were married and she wasn't!. Was very rude to my husband, we, DH forgave her, so it went on, all phone calls were all about how awful her life was, I tried so hard to be sympathetic but it just fell on deaf ears. My husband was very ill at the beginning of the year, phoned her to tell her, she never mentioned him, not even his name, I decided the friendship had run it's course, it is sad after so many years but I had to end this friendship for self preservation. Be kind to yourself.

Hi lupin. Same happened to me I’d had so many put downs over 35 years that I spoke up finally about her behaviour sh was a close friend and godparent. The reaction was typically. Denial. Turning vicious and downright then playing the. Poor me card! Had enough and basically told her the relationship was over. Obv she was surprised as I should have said more in the past. My life is so much happier contented , less stressful and I should have done it years ago! It was all based on jealousy and she would lie about the most mundane things. T b h it got worse in her 50 s. I do believe if Nanamar has the courage and should should say on phone it’s over and she cannot tolerate her selfishness anymore! and her toxic ways ASAP. It’s pointless bothering as it sounds like it’s her way or Noway !! Hopefully helps !!

I have a friend like that and I have gradually reduced contact. When we meet its as if everything she stores up she offloads on me, she goes on endlessly about how all her children don’t do enough for here, she has enough money to pay for jobs but won’t, she thinks its their duty.I am widowed and pay for jobs I cant do myself.She never is interested in what I have to say so I don’t bother. Lots of single people are very giving and loving,
look after elderly parents whilst their lives slip past. You have already decided not to end the friendship and there’s no point challenging her, so you are stuck I’m afraid.

This sounds to be a rather difficult situation. You know how badly she will be hurt and flinch from causing her pain and upset. You seem to be managing the situation with your tactics and moving away must have helped.
A friend that I had tolerated for some years once made a comment or three too many and I got mad and told her how spiteful she was. The worm had turned and it caused the end of the friendship. It was liberating.

I too have an old friend like that.
But I know she does not have any other friends so she is my "good dead" and I just listen to it and smile as she would be lonely otherwise.

I had a friend like this once but situation was slightly different. I had been her husbands work partner . It was him i was very best friends with due to the work situation, we got on like a house on fire( nothing romantic , i am and was also happily married) but we often socialised all together. He unfortunately died in a tragic accident, we were all heartbroken. After that her and i just didn’t gel as friends much because as her husband had left her very well off moneywise she was all about cruises and how much things cost. She also had a job working for a local radio station and came into contact with celebrities and she constantly name dropped in any conversations we had . The tin hat went on the friendship when she once told me her husband had not thought much of me as a work colleague, that he just put up with me.I walked out of her life that day and have never looked back.

I have a longtime friend who is quite different to me but mainly it works …..except…..what I’ve identified as toxic positivity. Whatever problem I have is batted away with a ‘oh that’s nothing’ ‘easy to fix’ etc. She just won’t take any worries that I have seriously.I know she’s trying to reassure me but It really is very hard to deal with. I’m backing off .

OP if you're in different time zones, as you state, you should be able to easily avoid her.

Friends who annoy me are not friends and I don't stay in touch

Friends do grow away from each other, when circumstances have caused them to develop separate interests. I believe in keeping such friendships alive if at all possible even if its just the occasional contact via Facebook and a mutual interest in place you both know, or mutual friends.

I have 4 lifelong friends, 3 of them I speak on the phone with. But one friend will do this thing that she talks for nearly an hour without stopping. Sometimes it doesn’t matter and I just listen. But during lockdown, it was a bit hard to only listen.

I love them all though, no matter how irritating!

This may seem a bit harsh but how I see it she doesn’t seem like a friend to me! I had long term supposedly friend like this for the first 15 years everything was fine between us! Then suddenly out of the blue every conversation would turn to her about her and then started to make really immature jealous remarks about my life, as opposed to hers when in effect she’s the one in perfect health and I’m the one with chronic health issues which she knew about although I will say I do not go on about them in the slightest as I’m very positive, in the end ties were cut I couldn’t tolerate her moaning,?, I had supported her for years emotionally and physically, for me a friendship for me is going through things together having ups as well as downs but you shouldn’t feel drained when in contact with someone. As I don’t with my other friends, I think if it was me I’d be ending it. Life’s too short

She sounds like hard work. But some comments on this thread are very derogatory towards single women. Not very nice.

I know single women who take on all the care for elderly parents, are very proactive and caring aunts, do lots of generous community work etc.

I know married women with children who are selfish, shallow and spoilt.

Selfish difficult people are like that regardless of marital status. Kind thoughtful people are also like that regardless of marital status.

I had to give up on someone like that. When my DH became seriously ill she
used to ring and spend the whole conversation talking about her own issues never once asking how he was or how I was coping.
She could make quite nasty comments and told me she didn't think my DH was really that ill. He died soon afterwards and I felt I really had no more time for someone so selfish.
Friendships can't be just one way.

I have a friend like this. But I think she'll be in my life for the duration. She drives me mad but I can't drop contact. I have tried but it didn't last. I just keep her at arms' length and chat on WhatsApp and that's it.

A relative does this. I love my family but it can be exasperating. When I suffered my brain injury she took time off work to get over it because she was so upset. Not upset enough to come and see me though. I just laugh about it now, it’s how she is and she does have many good points apart from that.

Most people have very few if any friends they have kept in contact with from a young age, so I would just drastically cut back on how often you meet or speak. It depends if you think it is easier to do that or break the friendship completely. I have very little in common with my only friend from childhood but we enjoy each others company very occasionally.

It would at this point feel very cruel to end the relationship - it will probably come as no surprise that I am literally her only female friend. Sitting down with her and talking about it will only produce a flood of tears (hers) and an hysterical outburst. That said, I like the idea of “protecting myself” from agitation. The distance has helped since we are in different time zones. I practice rationing and management - I don’t pick up the phone if she calls if I’m not in the mood, etc. If you’ve read any of my recent posts you know that I’m dealing with a relatively significant health issue. I’m not one to call a friend to announce this but when she called me and asked how I am I told her. After a few comments she basically bypassed the issue and proceeded to bang on about a situation in HER life and it’s clear that was the purpose of her call. It’s as if she just cannot help herself. Given your advice I guess it’s at that point that the call should be terminated by me. She considers herself sensitive and empathetic and she may get the point but even if she doesn’t I won’t be twitching on the other end of the phone. One thing I will add is that she’s the kind of person who responds to your sharing a negative thing with one of her own. I wonder if people mistake this for empathy - it’s helpful to hear what people have done in a similar situation, for example, but it can also feel as if we are playing in a competition of some odd sort.

I managed to lose a couple who we had been "friends" with for decades.When the first lockdown happened I realised life was much nicer without them and their patronising remarks or downright rudeness.I've managed to keep them at a distance ever since and I dont miss them a bit .
They were ,or he was my OH's friend and his wife sort of trailed along with him and became a fixture .I never really liked her but put up with her because he was OH's friend .I have no problem with OH seeing them as long as its .
somewhere else .One good result of covid !!

Hmmmm, this is a tricky 1, I can fully see where you are coming from because I have been through similar and the way I dealt with it was to tone down our communication/ meet ups.

You dint want to hurt that person in the slightest but when its all 1 sided ( for want of a better explanation) then you HAVE to be kind to yourself, its not being selfish, its being kind to yourself, take control of an awkward situation.

I hope everything works out for you, remember, be kind to yourself.

Similar situation here Nanamar. I, too, am an only child and have very few links back to my childhood. But one of my oldest friends, again someone who never married or had children has said one too many hurtful things to me and I’ve resolved not to contact her again. Throughout the pandemic I phoned her to see if she was ok. The only time she has phoned me was when her dad died and she wanted someone to talk to. She seems to hate my children and can’t understand why I will do anything for my children and grandchildren. I recently phoned her to discus a tv programme ( we tend to like the same films and tv programmes) and she came out with a horrible comment about one of my children. I just hope I can maintain my resolve to not phone her. I’m at an age where I’ve lost most of the family I’ve ever had ( which, being an only child isn’t much) and have lost several very dear friends over the past couple of years. Nanamar, do you think we should both say to these friends ‘ I really value your friendship, but…..’ ? I have an added problem in that, when my marriage ended years ago, most of our friends were my husbands ( he was the one that left me) but she was one that stuck by me. I think that someone that hasn’t had children just doesn’t view relationships in the same way.

Why are your close friends with her ?? You don’t sound as if she’s your sort of person at all calm it all down and have less contact which will mean less impatience with her