I know,I said I need to be nicer...

Anyway, I need to stop being such a drip, and sort this out, I know.
I will try a multi pronged attack (not literally)

It has helped to have input from sensible people, so thanks all.

MissAdventure

I can't garden, walk or shop.
I've become housebound in the last year or so, which is why it is so important for me to be able to do the one thing I can still manage.
Feeling some fresh air on my face.

No, fanny, no friends or relatives, I'm afraid.
My life has taken a very different few turns, and friends have fallen by the wayside along the way.
(Apart from a couple of gransnet friends. )
The only constant has been my neighbour, really.

Another reason to feel rotten for moaning.

No need to feel rotten, you have a lot to cope with. It's finding a balance which suits you both and you are lovely to try to do that.

This is why we live rurally with no neighbours.

When we first married and bought our first house in a new development in 1976 we had this from a ‘kindly’ busybody couple across the street….more than a dozen times a day between them.

While we might have shunned them until they got the message, it wasn’t possible as they were friendly with my late parents!!

I can't garden, walk or shop.
I've become housebound in the last year or so, which is why it is so important for me to be able to do the one thing I can still manage.
Feeling some fresh air on my face.

No, fanny, no friends or relatives, I'm afraid.
My life has taken a very different few turns, and friends have fallen by the wayside along the way.
(Apart from a couple of gransnet friends. )
The only constant has been my neighbour, really.

Another reason to feel rotten for moaning.

I agree MissA that your first step is that you (or a friend) should clearly ask your neighbour not to come round so often, rather than try to deal with one visit at a time or hope that she is put off by a gate.

Perhaps ask her to stick to coming round once a day, after tea or whenever suits you.

It won’t stop until you stop it. Just tell her. What’s the worst that can happen? Is that worse than what you have? I wouldn’t have stood it for a month. I fail to see why anyone would to be honest.

Daisydaisydaisy

Hi there

It really is difficult but take a deep breath and tell her the truth kindly and gently that you like to have time alone .. You could say that it would be lovely to see you on such and such day .. " do you have any ideas of what We can do" gardening,coffee ,Shopping,Walking etc etc .

Let us know how You get on .... Remember Your mental health is important ... You are important.

That sounds like a plan Daisy I think you just have to be firm and clear about things now MissA obviously tact and diplomacy is not working.
I would find this intrusive behaviour unbearable as well. I certainly would not have been as kind as you.

Hi MissA ?
do you have a straight talking friend or relative who can have a frank word with her?
Say how you need your privacy etc?
They could say how you couldn’t speak to her yourself as you didn’t want to upset her as you are very fond of her etc?

I remember my Nan had a neighbour exactly the same; and then when she was much older, she became that neighbour.
Unfortunately for my aunty (her daughter), it was her who she lived next door to!

Hi there

It really is difficult but take a deep breath and tell her the truth kindly and gently that you like to have time alone .. You could say that it would be lovely to see you on such and such day .. " do you have any ideas of what We can do" gardening,coffee ,Shopping,Walking etc etc .

Let us know how You get on .... Remember Your mental health is important ... You are important.

It's one of the best ideas, but I am imagining her just battling to get it open, calling me, and not for one minute thinking it is meant for her.

That may well happen to start with but if you don't give in to it, she may well stop bothering.

When you are in a stressful situation like this and unwell to boot, it is easy to get in to a pessimistic frame of mind so you can't see a solution. Sometimes you have to just try ideas and hope!

She doesn't have dementia.

Could happen to any of us sadly.
She may not remember what you say and may have to repeat it again and again.
Good wishes with this.

The stairgate has been mentioned.

It's one of the best ideas, but I am imagining her just battling to get it open, calling me, and not for one minute thinking it is meant for her.

I haven't told her, no.

I have on occasions said "Sorry, I just need to get indoors", when she has wanted to talk.

Oh crikey .... I do feel for you. That would really wear me out. I'm trying to think outside the box here ...... are you in a position to go and stay with friends for a while? Maybe a break will get her out of the habit of constantly knocking on your door? it's long shot, but would be lovely if it worked.
I do tend to agree with those who think it my be early signs dementia, sadly. Good Luck xxx

Excuse me if this has already been said. Have you ever actually told her to leave you alone? Or perhaps cannot bring yourself to do so?
Do you want her to really stop this ?
If so do you think you can say it to her, and would she take any notice?
You have all my sympathy.

Just a thought, could you put up a stairgate with a lock on it so you can have your back door open?

Because I like my door open in the summer.
It's my backdoor, and it opens onto my step, with my plants in pots, and a tiny bit of council owned grass.
It's really not unreasonable to want a degree of control over what I can and can't do.

Why don’t you put a chain on your door to prevent anyone from just “popping” in without an invitation.

That is exactly how it is, currently.
I listened to her monologue about what she will say to the new meighbour (to be fair, so did the person who had stopped to ask after me) and I felt so helpless.

Although you don’t want to hide behind locked doors, who would, perhaps you could lock the back door for a couple of hours each morning and afternoon so that you can pretend to have a nap, as ordered by your doctor? And put a simple note with image of someone in bed, on both doors.

I doubt that this would stop her from knocking ( ignore her of course) but she won’t be able to walk in. Mind you, I bet she will be back later but at least you would get a break! Hopefully it won’t take long for her to become accustomed to making fewer visits if she no longer needs to help you ( with prescriptions and doctors notes etc) and cannot just walk in through your back door.

You shouldn’t have to cower in your own house but your health must come first, especially as now you finally seem to be sorting out your finances and getting UC sorted out. Perhaps when everything is finally settled, you might regain the mental strength and energy to deal with your neighbour, it’s hard to find the capacity to be firm when you are so worried.

I bet it is her who has your watering can, she probably used it to water your plants but then forgot to return it!

MissAdventure

StarDreamer

The number of posts today show how effective a mention in Gransnet daily can be!

But why were you sitting outside writing the letter to the council instead of writing it inside your home with the doors locked?

Because I absolutely love being outside in a shaded area on pleasant days.
It is all I can manage these days too.
I don't want to spend all day locked in my flat.

> Because I absolutely love being outside in a shaded area on pleasant days.

And you have every right to do that in peace if you want to do so.

Could you try having a sign with

I am wrting a letter, please do not disturb

placed near you.

No, she is above the flat opposite me.
This is how she has a birds eye view of what goes on.
My backdoor is overlooked by her balcony and kitchen window.

MissAdventure wrote Her flat is upstairs and mine is down, in a position where she can watch every move i make.

Is she directly above you, or what please?

StarDreamer

The number of posts today show how effective a mention in Gransnet daily can be!

But why were you sitting outside writing the letter to the council instead of writing it inside your home with the doors locked?

Because I absolutely love being outside in a shaded area on pleasant days.
It is all I can manage these days too.
I don't want to spend all day locked in my flat.

Shoot her, poison her, push her off her balcony.
Will solve two problems, she won’t be around to bother you, you can move without it costing a penny. Actually three problems, you won’t need a watering can.
Sorted!