I know,I said I need to be nicer...

First of all, don't let her in your home/onto your property. This is a just say No situation. Don't offer reasons.
Write a long list of excuses why you can't stop and chat. Have them to hand.
Can I suggest you buy some ear buds? Develop a fascination for heavy metal or Audible stories, and use that to ignore the phone or the door knocker.
Personally I'd disconnect the doorbell.
A slightly dangerous suggestion - take your lunch to her flat every day at 1pm. Stay 30 minutes and leave with 'See you tomorrow for lunch'
Good luck.

I was going to add that in my experience if someone is being awful to you they are probably being awful to someone else too. Although it seems you are her main target and she needs you as an ally.
I would find that behaviour invasive and would be far less nice than you are.
I have a neighbour/friend who never knocks but calls out and walks in to wherever I am which I suppose can be seen as friendly. She worked in a residential home so maybe your neighbours life as a cleaner gives her a feeling of confidentiality? But several times a day? No no no

If it’s early-dementia related, it can be very hard to deal with - she simply won’t remember having called round X times before. I do hope you find a way, MissAdventure - I can well imagine how exhausting it must be.

At one point my mother was ringing my poor brother up to 30 times in one hour - it was seriously affecting his mental health. It was no earthly use saying anything - she simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just spoken to him.

When she finally moved to a care home we were asked whether we wanted a phone in her room. You can imagine our reply!
Funnily enough, though, although she did frequently ask staff during the first couple of weeks to ‘ring my son’, it was amazing how quickly she forgot about it.

This situation is unbearable! and is making you ill. Sounds like dementia to me , many GPs pass symptoms off as stress. Even if you deter her you will be in fear of ' she may come knocking ' she has taken over your life and somehow someway it has to stop. Easier said than done I recognize that. Has she a family member you can talk to , ask them to contact her GP ? You may have to move , unfair for you but may be your only way through this . You should not have to spend your time putting up baby gates, writing notices to go on your door or hiding away when she shouts through your letter box! The only small bit of advice I can offer is to refuse every bit of help she offers - even if at times you could do with that help. More than likely she has forgotten how often she comes round ! I am so sorry you are living like this - can social services help ? Ring and ask to speak to someone who deals with dementia or the elderly. Tell them exactly what you have told us and let them know you fear for your physical/ emotional/mental health. Be as proactive as possible and never never feel guilty. The police may be a port if call , she is causing a disturbance. They may point you in the right direction. Is she ederly - age concern?? Local Alzheimer's Society. Good luck and keep posting , let us know how you are doing.

Sleep well.
I feel better for having a moan.

If you think you will never need her assistance then take drastic action. If you think you might at some point need her then try something less drastic, at least initially. I'm really off now for tonight!

That's the thing, too.
I'm not able to go out and about.
My health isn't very good.

I'm a sitting duck.
She did take on my other neighbour - going to the shop for her, cooking dinner every night.

(I was a bit cross, actually, because I really could have done with a tiny bit of help and I didn't see her, apart from when she passed my flat on her way out)

Now things have changed, and she is back onto my case.

Very strange behaviour, really.

night night, hope tomorrow is a bit easier to manage.

That is near the mark, actually.
She invites all and sundry for one of her roast dinners.

I think she genuinely needs to nurture someone (anyone) for her own sense of wellbeing.

Never mind that they may not want that, they are going to be nurtured within an inch of their lives!
She meets people and jumps straight in with what a lovely person they are, and how she feels sorry for them.

I think I have just realised why, too, but its not for me to post.
I've complained enough, so I must take some responsibility for allowing it.

I think a stairgate and a nap are on the cards.

I've been having trouble with an over friendly fox, so its feasible to put a gate up.

And a couple of hours break... bliss!
Thank you all.

HI, this sounds like an awful situation all round, for both you and your neighbour. I'm always wary of making up stories because they are usually "found out" which can result in embarrassment and avoidable hurt feelings. I feel though that if you can break the worst of her habits the position may become tolerable again. I also don't like the idea of you being trapped inside every afternoon having an " enforced nap" - you should be free to come and go as you please.

I'm wondering if there are any other neighbours that you might direct her towards? Or encourage her to join a local daily group, lunch club, etc? She is clearly lonely and not as self sufficient as you are.

If the situation is upsetting you then of course you need to take whatever steps are required to try to get some peace.

Do you think having a quiet word with one of the nurses at your local GP surgery might be helpful? I'm not sure if you and your neighbour will go to the same surgery but it might be an idea to pass on your concerns " off the record" and ask if they could pay her a visit to see whether she needs additional support.

I think if it were me, I'd try to lock my door every day and not respond every time she calls out, which might cause her to approach other neighbours for company, leaving you alone for a bit. If she asks you could say you didn't hear her or were on the phone. That way you could still go out and about if you felt like it but stay in if you wanted to.

its not easy is it?

I’m another in favour of Elegran’s suggestion. Of course, the GP’ll be in touch with you first thing tomorrow morning to strongly advise that long afternoon nap.
?
Could you redirect her altruistic tendencies into doing some voluntary work or walking someone’s dog on a regular basis?
Good luck.

She isn’t pestering you out of kindness and thoughtfulness, MissAdventure. It is to satisfy a need within herself. Sooner or later, you will have to tell her straight to limit contact with you to once a week or you will cut contact totally.

Gloves off methinks MissA but even if you tell her where to get off in no uncertain terms, it sounds as if it’ll be water off a ducks back? I really feel for you. When a divorcing friend moved near me, she was never away or off the phone to me. Day in, day out and it drove me potty and after 5 years of it, we moved away.

I’ve been trying to think what you can do long term. Any short term suggestion like I’m on the phone/ Just going out/ Having my lunch/ about to have a shower etc are not going to work as she will just wait for you or hang around. You need a more long term solution as it sounds as if she does have some mental health/ dementia problems and is probably not aware that she is calling on you constantly. As someone else said, it’s like when my mum used to phone me thirty or forty times a day to ask me the same question as she has no idea she had already been given the answer! At least mum lived a way off so I could ignore the phone calls!

All I can think of is to tell her that you have a new condition and your doctor is insisting that you have a rest for part of every day. Then put up a note on your door saying you are resting until x o’clock and lock your door so she cannot pop in. She might get used to the sign after a while and give you some peace for a few hours. Is she has some OCD like you suggested, the routine of seeing the note every morning and/or afternoon might sink in eventually!

I’m not sure that being nasty to her is going to help, I don’t think it is in your nature to be nasty anyway and she does help you sometimes when you are not well enough to do certain things.

I’ll keep on thinking! I would hate to be in this situation, I value my privacy but luckily I’m very good at ignoring phone calls if I’m not in the mood to chat, much easier to do that that turn someone away on the door step.

Oh gosh it sounds exhausting.
I haven’t got any advice I’m afraid, many years ago I had a similar neighbor, she had a heart of gold, but drove me completely round the bend.
One morning we woke up to deep, deep snow, I remarked that at least B wouldn’t be able to come around, when she appeared trudging down the garden in her husbands wellies, waving a pint of milk she had brought us.
I think sometimes I was a bit rude to her, but she never caught on, and to be fair, she would do anything for me, and on at least one occasion I don’t know what I would have done without her.
But, I know it’s wearing, I hid and didn’t answer the door at times, but she always caught up with me in the end.

She sounds as if she has mental health problems. Your life is being ruined by her intrusiveness. It’s time to say, it’s not convenient please go away. Ask a friend round for coffee and either ignore the knocking or call back ‘sorry I am busy I have a Visitor’. You are just being too nice and it is ruining your life. Please put yourself first.

“20 years I've had this; well, "only" about 17 I suppose, because she was very much her own person when she first moved in. “

Seriously, Miss A, no one would put up with that, would they?

Sorry about mistakes... was going through it & must have pressed post by accident ... hope you understand what I have written ... your health is more important ... hopefully you will get something sorted out ... even if you have to keep your door shut for a day or so & ignor her

ARGH ! Would drive me mad aswell ... as you live in a flat are they just ordinary flats or warden controlled , if they are warden controlled could mention it to them in case she is ill, if not could be a bit more tricky . Could you just tell her you need some quiet/chill time, a day or couple of days, suggest the days then say you don't want to be disturbed , or say as you need quiet/ chill out time tell her when she can visit ... you do need your own time, not good for you to be on edge all the time ... regarding the food etc just say nicely you don't need anything, silly as it seems doing this seems like seems buying your friendship or is just an overly generous person ... you need to sort something out ASAP as it seems it is making you ill ... if some comes down let her shout to you ignof her ... if you have your glad door open ... buy a baby gate so she can't come in , hopefully won't open it ... saying you decided to but it to save anyone coming in if you don't hear / see them ... regarding her smoking tell her not to smoke in your flat & start coughing ... like the idea if you having the phone to your ear somethings you have to be cruel to be kind ... wishing you all the best ... let us know how you get on please

So I’m now turning both phones off family 2 hours away still not come to see his mum in hospital. It’s awful
And it’s getting like I don’t want to go out in garden as he will open windows and call me over we are in a maisonette
I feel like selling up so other day I said I arranged help and u turned it down well u can’t keep waking us up at night. Long story but paramedics said they are at risk
So I’m sort it out now a relief to us so be firm with her or you won’t get any peace like us

I feel your pain MissA. I'd learnt to leap out of my chair and run into the back of the house whenever my next door neighbour hammered on my door whilst screeching "Chewbacca! Chewbacca! But, with the hot weather, I've had my windows open, so she just sticks her head in and says "Ooh, Hello!", like she's surprised to find me there. Let me know when you've found a solution.

Just been told off.
Gotta go.

Our elderly neighbours driving us mad the lady couldn’t walk we were called at midnight. Hours waiting for paramedics turned into 3 days they both in 80s he turned down help of carers yet rings my husband up and if phone not on like we’re having a rest he says no good calling u as you don’t answer phone !! We put out his bins and rubbish I found them gardener and hairdresser mobile. After 3 days paramedics turned up I had a word with them about everything he said I’m going to have stern words and his wife going into hospital and won’t come out until care in place. I think he has dementia it’s driving us mad

Oh, plus, I used to "steer" her in the right direction with things.
Read them and explain them and boss her about advise her.

I think it's some form of OCD, seriously.
She was a cleaner, and earned very well, running her own little business, driving a sports car.
I suppose it's some way of comforting herself, keeping control of her life as it is now since the stroke.