feeling Alone - don't comment if you feel I'm needy!

I’m sorry you feel alone and lonely. I have times when I feel that way too. I usually try to pick up some kind of handwork or use it as an opportunity to write notes or read a good book. Often I find the time has passed and I’m out of that slump.

Sometimes I go for a long walk. Physical activity almost always lifts my spirits.

But there are days when nothing works. Then it’s just awful. No one likes to feel invisible or forgotten.

Just a thought polnan, have you had your thyroid levels checked recently? Sudden severe mood swings can be a symptom of thyroid deficiency. I know. Been there. Done that. ?

Thanks for that lefthanded. I have been feeling very tired lately, and went to docs.. Yes! I got a face to face appt!!!!actually got through the receptionist, we have to convince the receptionist that we are worthy of an appt! so.. she did a blood test, then doc, well she authorised one,, and no one came back to me, so I was told that would mean o..k. but then, I wonder what exactly I was tested on,, Iron? Vit B is also another one, so I will try and get another doc appt, cos still very tired, lost 1/2 stone in weight also,, without dieting.. and I was wondering thyroid...

so thanks lefthanded

i was widowed when i 39, i thought my life was over, i had no close friends as i had been my husbands carer for 8 years and his death was sudden due to a medical mistake, i spent the next year feeling so lonely and never knew if i was crying for my husband or myself. i did meet someone through a bereavement group and we became companions, he would stay at mine on the weekend, i lost him 18 months ago, now that i am 59 i can cope more with the loneliness but sometimes i feel invisable, like if i went to bed and never woke up...would anyone miss me? i still don't have any friends other than a couple of neighbours and my health is not good. i don't know what age you are or if you work, could you find something to do outside the house, maybe some charity or voluntary work, i know in my area we have knitting clubs and walking days, lots of charity shops and food banks, i did speak to my doctor and took tablets because my feeling of being lonely was also caused by depression, i wish you lots of hugs and all the best.

I often feel lonely and my husband is sitting across the room watching TV. He's not a talker, since he retired its more noticeable. I still work and during my visits to very elderly people, I often realise how lucky I am that I can get out and about.
I am dreading retiring. I will try and do volunteer work so as to meet other people.
No easy answers, but I advise keeping to a routine and do something nice for yourself at least once a day.

Charleygirl5

Bea try to forget Sunday is Sunday and it is just another day of the week. It took me years to get over the "Sunday" feeling and I have managed it, my brain helping by not always sure which day it actually is!

I agree, most of us associate Sunday with a family lunch and a few people around and when one is on one's own and maybe having cheese on toast it is rather different.

This is exactly what I’ve done, to me Sunday is just another day! I might go out for lunch with one of my Meet-up groups, I might do some gardening, I might catch up on tv programmes I’ve missed or I might do some baking.

I noticed that Sundays were different once I was divorced, even though I had three children living with me, I felt very isolated as my other friends were still married and Sundays were family days for them. My children were too young to leave so I could not go out without them and they did not have regular contact with their father. I ended up doing all my school planning on Sundays and made my children do homework then as well, it helped us get ahead for the week and freed up my evenings a little.

hello lefthanded,, again thank you , you prompted me to call the docs. and I have an appt, 10th November , so thank you

and nexus and skparkynan..
strange these feelings of being lonely... I wonder if people had these feelings, as much as we are saying now,, before covid.

ie. has covid, or the after effects got us talking/sharing more..
well I know for one, that I was younger, so getting old, for me is not helpful.. and I have tried medication for depression,not for me..

so perhaps the first step is for us to talk and share more?

No it’s not needy to feel like that I also live alone and I don’t mind living alone but sometimes I feel so lonely when we went into lockdown I’ve have never felt so alone and far from ppl. My drs told me to go out for a walk or knock on a neighbor or join a club even if it’s something you hadn’t done before. Sit in library or cafe. Once you out and about you will soon lose that feeling or get yourself a pet. Feeling will soon pass you by.

I have felt quite lonely lately. I have lots of good friends and keep busy. However, I recently was away on holiday with some friends. They spoke to their husbands regularly and when they got home, they were waiting for them. It made me feel so alone. ( my friends had no idea and would be mortified if they thought they had upset me). Sorry not much help but I think it is simply part of life and it is a matter of filling the void. Xx

I know that people felt alone, or lonely before covid. My clients would often try to keep me with them as long as possible, to chat. Unfortunately with several calls planned, it isn't always possible.
During and since Covid, loneliness was brought to the public's attention more and the befriending services were used much more. My colleagues and I give out details, if wanted of Age uk, befriending services and any other useful organisations. One idea, is for you to be the befriender.
www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/
www.ageuk.org.uk/
Its a good way of feeling that your still valuable and useful in the world.

How lovely

Feeling alone is different from loneliness. Feeling alone for many can be blissful when needing downtime. To me loneliness is akin to a deep sadness may be even grief at being excluded or not included, being outside the group shared experience. Or even believing everyone else is feeling included when the truth is they are faking it. A bit of self analysis could bring some understanding.

“I really feel lonely right now because I need…”

Creating busyness helps many people cope with their very real loneliness, but it’s still there. Perhaps these are, in fact the loneliest of people?

We’re naturally social animals and for any pack or herd animal being excluded from the group can be devastating. Human females can be among the worst offenders at ostracising another, we see this every day in reports of bullying on social media, but it’s been going on forever.

On a cheerier note Mick Lynch was brilliant at the select committee meeting, there’s a man who knows what he’s talking about and knows how to put it into real sentences (catch up on Youtube).

Bea65 I understand how you feel and being ‘needy’ is not wrong - there are times when we all need others. When I have felt lonely, I’ve found that being kind to myself is the best approach. Do something you enjoy or do nothing at all - whatever makes you feel like you’ve treated yourself (doesn’t have to be a physical’ treat but, personally, I do find chocolate helps). Care for yourself; show yourself love and kindness - you deserve it.

I think there is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. You can feel alone in a crowd of people even if you know them. I am volunteering at a vaccination centre at the moment...doing once a week. Good chatting to all the people in the queue. It helps me to feel useful.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week!

I can remember when there were no shops or entertainments open on that day. People went to church, went for a walk, or visited family/had family visit them. Even now the religious element has long gone I think of sunday as day I dont want to be disturbed. If I order an Amazon item and it comes on a sunday I deeply resent it and usually just enter an instruction to "leave by kitchen door" to I dont have to watch out for the courier. Mostly I dont even talk on the phone. I love my quiet sundays.

Bea65 I really do hope some of the comments on here have helped. I like M0nica’s suggestion of making Sunday (or any other day that makes you feel particularly alone) special. Nice food, a bottle of wine, chocolate, whatever.
I am happily married so I don’t know how I’ll feel if/when the time comes. What I don’t like DH doing now is (us usually on holiday) constantly looking back. I try to live in the moment (mindfulness is nothing new!). I have lost two family members this year, within three months of each other, so I’m really trying to make the most of “the alternative”!
I really, really hope you feel a bit better for having posted on here.

We moved to this house on account of my husband's dementia and poor health generally, and we wanted to be nearer our son. However I have been unable to make friends or join things on account of caring and covid. There is little conversation with a dementia sufferer, and I always feel alone.

I think we have to find ways to bring pleasure into our lives somehow to make every day special, not just Sundays, and work in little treats to combat how alone we feel. It can be difficult when on a low income, though. It's ok to feel down, but trying to be philosophical and trying to give oneself treats/trying to go for walks, etc. can make things more reasonable. I feel there's no real answer to aloneness, just find a workable way of living.

I read a lot, which takes me out of my situation for a while, and I sometimes think that if I were living alone, I might even advertise for someone in a similar situation, and perhaps we could take turns in cooking Sunday lunch for each other.

Kittylester, you are absolutely right to say that we are all entitled to share our opinions, and that includes Bea65.

Feeling lonely from time to time seems to be part of the human condition, so when I feel that way, I try to accept it and remind myself that, like everything, it won't last.
For me, feeling lonely is the same as feeling alone and I find it's usually triggered by not having the right kind of connection with other people. I always feel so much better when I "find my place" somewhere and when there are people in my life I can just get along with naturally, if that makes sense.
As I've mentioned, I think self-care and kindness from people around you are important. I hope you're starting to feel less alone, Bea.

I’m ok on my own. I find it’s much harder living with someone you don’t have a good relationship with.

Everyone feels lonely at times, and there can be many reasons for doing so.

I wonder if human beings were really intended to live alone?

If you look at the way people have lived down through the ages, it is a very new development that basically only applies in the Western world to see adult men and women living in flats or houses on their own.

In nearly all civilisations whether you can or do marry or not, you shared accomodation with others - both adults and children. Usually they were your close relations, but they could, as in the case of nuns, monks, priests, soldiers etc. be unrelated adults whom you lived with, in the sense of dwelling under the same roof and eating together.

I do realise that even in these contexts you can feel lonely - the loneliest I have ever felt was lying awake in my half of our double bed wondering, "Where do we go from here?" after a nasty disagreement with my husband.

I spent practically thirty years of my adult life living alone. Not through an informed or desired wish on my part, but because I had not found anyone who wanted to marry me and whom I wanted to marry.

A lot of people are in the same boat today, and naturally those who live alone cannot entirely avoid feeling loney.

But then, nor can those who live with a spouse or partner, at least at times.

Perhaps we need to admit that loneliness is a facet of modern
life and in my opinion we do need to stop trotting out platitutes about taking up voluntary work, joining a club, getting a dog and all the other well-meaning things we tell ourselves and others to do if they are feeling lonely.

I wish I had the solution, but of course I don't.

I don't think there is one solution, but there may be many.

Could we revive the art of conversation at bus stops and in trains? It used to be considered good manners to make small talk in these situations. Today people look at you as if they suspect you are a con-artist or worse if you make a harmless remark such as "Lovely weather today, isn't it?" or "Hope you are not in such a rush as I am - the beastly bus is late again."

Not a cure for loneliness, admittedly, but at least a cure for the all too often heard literal statement "I haven't spoken to a soul since last Thursday."

Yes I agree feeling alone or lonely can depend on where you are and who you are with if anyone. I am a widow living alone, and moved in covid times so it has been very difficult When I feel depressed I am just unable to try and get out etc. However my couple of things that I offer is firstly I love a lot of radio, in particular listen to Desert Island Discs and Private Passions and gardeners question time , all on sunday. So I change how I use sunday, after years of family meals and times together. I turn sunday into a weekday, by which I mean that I often save ironing and paperwork needing to be sorted. Sometimes tidying cupboards. Jobs that need doing but are not a particular pleasure. So I am quite content to do these jobs whilst listening to the radio. The jobs seem to get done quicker and I enjoy my programmes. Then I choose a day in the week to be my day to go out or do something, and at this time of year I try to get out whenever we have a lovely sunny day like today. The one good thing being on your own is that no one else will see if like today, i had my shower , dressed and went out leaving pots unwashed , bed not made and bathroom not sorted. Loved scrunching in the leaves, seeing the trees colour , having a breath of fresh air and drove a little way out into the countryside and enjoyed just sitting in the car looking round, reading the paper and drinking my coffee in lovely peaceful surroundings. Of course I have come back to the mess, but dont care, made the most of the good weather and now it is dark and chilly and they promise wind and rain tomorrow More than that , if I am having a bad day I can look back at todays little excursion and it will cheer me . Another thing I have done in the past is two or three of us on our own used to go to each others house and take turns in providing the lunch. Cooking for three seems worth while,,you might do a little roast, your guests are usually very appreciative, and you have some cold meat for the next day. We made a pact that we would not try and outdo each other in the food, just whatever we were happy making. If there are 3 of you , you cook once and are a guest twice. Worked well for us! Wish you all well in the future, I find these dark nights make things worse so getting out in the daylight is worthwhile and I am pleased to have found this group Oh and nearly forgot! DONT watch or listen to the news more than once a day. It is all so depressing anyway and if you are having a bad day constant reminders of the shambles only makes you more depressed or very angry!! Hooray for Gransnet where we can let of steam , get good ideas and keep in touch.

I read novels and watch TV especially dramas and that takes my mind off my own worries.

I'm divorced and spend a lot of time on my own, there's only myself and my sister left out of our family. I have friends, but since their husbands retired they spend more time with them now, I get out to an odd lunch or a show with them.
The thing that gets me out and about is my rescue dog. I've met so many other dog walkers where I go in the mornings and we end up walking along together having a good chat. We sometimes stop at the coffee hut and it puts the morning in nicely.
A dog can be great company, they get you out meeting others so you just aren't sitting at home by yourself.

Whitenancy you have the right idea, the need for a little treat or me time works wonders.It is easy to feel alone, even when in a couple, due to ill health or poor mental health of a loved partner.
I have many bereaved friends, who so miss another friendly voice in the house, somebody to enjoy a meal or tv with them, even though they have good social lives.