Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

Did you go in the end? Crass invitation imo

Do what you are most comfortable with. There's no moral obligation to spend lavishly when you can't afford it especially in these difficult economic times. ( Thanks for nothing, Johnson and Truss!).

Well our dilemma has been solved as the place we were prompted to use is now fully booked, so we will be able do our own thing without upsetting everybody.

Exactly Legatha. I feel the same.
Although I was recently invited to an 80th birthday party for an old friend who had a huge family. There was a choice of staying in a bunkhouse or an expensive hotel.
I couldn't decide so did nothing and the week before, my df phoned to say her neighbour would gladly put me up.
I went, by bus, stayed with her lovely friends and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Catlover123

what is the point of putting this post here as you say you cannot refuse?

Eh? The OP was asking if she is being a misery, and she answered her own question and thanked us for our input quite some time ago.

what is the point of putting this post here as you say you cannot refuse?

This sounds very much like my cousin, they got married in a posh place, ( always have to show off oh I got money, Yeh right), the venue was miles from us… my Mum got an invite, again they HAD to stay in the hotel where venue was. As I am common( that’s what they think, speak my mind and have tatts) my cousin never invited us.

My Mum refused point blank, the wedding and reception was a complete oh look at me kind of event, where they thought ppl were going to get the money from I don’t know… I cannot remember if Mum sent a gift voucher, but they lived together anyway. I wouldn’t go if I was invited, cannot stand people pretending they are better than anyone else.

So in this instant stick to what you are comfortable with?

If couples now want the guests to be paying instead of saving up themselves then I suggest they go back to the greek wedding ideas where the bride and groom have the first dance and people pin notes onto the dress as they go around and that way, you dont have to get a gift that they may not like or already have, the money goes to the general cost and everyone is there to be a family get together. Of course people have the right to marry when and where they like and choose their ceremony, but they must then understand that friends and relations will be in all sorts of different financial situation and cannot assume that they will come and be committed to paying extortionate prices. I consider that it is both selfish and rather arrogant to be more or less told you have to come and pay X amount. So for me the scales would be tipped by 1. If it is the last ones in the family you might decide to do it , but quite firmly at the do make sure that you politely say to some f the family , that it was rather a stretch but as it is the last etc etc. so that you dont end up down the line being expected to do the same for the next generation! 2. Then if you go, I would be more likely to do as others say, and find a cheaper b and b, or look around to see what you might enjoy for yourselves , such as a NT place you have not been too as it was far away. I have always wanted to go to Stourbridge, but costs and distance mean that have not been there so far, so if I could combine that and it became a little holiday for us too might do it. Really I think that you should decide how you will feel if you go and are resentful, or not go and feel left out? as for the gift idea, this is where I do something that I think is worthwhile but they may not necessarily think so but tough! So I give a charity gift - by that I mean a donation to RNLI or Guide dogs etc in their name, but the thing I have done most is probably grown a small wood by now. I send a donation to the Woodland Trust for trees to be planted. They will be planting in different areas of the country and you can choose to plant in one of the places. No labels or rubbish like that, but you have given back to the world something that balances what you or your friends or family have taken from it. So have done it for weddings and births and also sad occasions so the death of my sons baby, and other family members. I am the eldest of 4 and when my parents had their ruby and then golden wedding, they did not need things. We clubbed together and bought 4 trees each time.For the ruby wedding they were in the chilterns and just after the golden wedding we went as a family for a day and visited these woods and also bought 4 more trees. So been doing this for 50 years now . That way, if they care about the environment, hopefully they will be pleased. They may be able to go and visit the area in the years to come etc etc. So you know that your gift has done something really worthwhile. At the time of the ruby wedding I was a member of a choir and a couple of other things and had to explain that I could not be at rehearsal because of the do and it led on to my explaining about the trees idea and 4 other people said what a great idea and did something similar so I think that that is the gift that keeps on giving! J
Just as a secondary thing, I have mentioned to many people. If you are a romantic, you probably would like to return to where you got married or renew your vows of just get together. If you marry abroad you really need to be up to date re legalities in that country and make sure that all relevant forms etc are filled in. But in the future , maybe you have less money available and it would be too expensive to go there again. Also many people now are interested in their backgrounds and finding out about their families etc. I have done quite a bit on family trees and you see programmes on Heir Hunters , well things are going to get much more difficult from here on. At least in the past families generally did not move a long way from their origins and so you had parish registers census records etc etc. Good luck to whoever is trying to do this in the future. Yes they will have the internet etc, but people going off just to get married in the Maldives etc will certainly add to difficulty and cost. Oh one other idea for a gift if you have time, is to go through old photos and contact older family members to see if they have some and then make up a photo album where you follow the two lines so starting with baby photos and putting the pictures side by side so as you turn the pages you see them at different ages and ending with a blank page for their wedding photos to go in to complete it or perhaps a few extra pages left blank for future family to join them so if you can get a red book to put it in, anyone of my generation would remember and you can give it to them at the reception and say "Mary and John, This is your Life"" Hope you find some suggestions from everybody helpful and are able to enjoy the day with or without the couple! Best wishes

Hi there
In your reply you say the cost was unavoidable and you understand re the hotel...what is your query then?

I don't go to any events unless I want to go. No matter what they choose to call it, it's not a wedding reception. Decline and send them something like an Oxfam goat gift card or National Trust tree planting certificate.

It depends on how close you feel to your husband’s niece. If you want to go and see everyone it could be done in a (very tiring) day - my husband does this regularly to see his Mother. If you’re not bothered send a good will message and maybe a token, small (daft) gift or flowers, and as they both have good jobs and obviously do not need anything useful why not offer to make a donation to a charity of theirs or your choosing? Wedding costs do seem to have got out of control - it’s just a party in a posh frock for some. My son and his fiancee have been together over 20 yrs, no wedding as her family would expect the full Monty - bonkers! I offered to do a buffet in the garden for the closest family and friends like Him Indoors and I had - all our guests said how much they enjoyed it - not good enough apparently.

I think SiobhanSharpe's idea of hiring a minibus and driver is the way to go, good idea. You can all be there and back in a day, cost will be much less than a hotel stay and then you can decide amongst yourselves how much/if anything you want to donate as a gift.

Or yes what Fael said.we go 72 miles to visit family when we can.(but with petrol costs its mostly christmas &1 other visit for this year) only takes over an hour - hour& a half to get there.yes one of you would have to be designated driver so not drinking but if you really want to see all the family/friends thats a small sacrifice.And then go home.

Sparklefizz

I would reply that unfortunately you can't attend. Then follow their advice and don't feel obliged to give a gift.

Yes, this is the best answer. It's pretty inconsiderate of them.
My niece had a very expensive wedding but there was a hotel chain nearby with reasonably priced rooms, though we did need to stay for two nights with all our family, 3 big rooms.

All those who say go if you can afford clearly have enough money themselves not to worry about money nor rising costs & higher bills.And what if you can afford it now- but later in year or early next year costs go up &up again,and you find you were foolish to splash out on that trip/party after all??If i were you i'd decline.Then send them a voucher (!)or some some lovely flowers if you dont feel you can send nothing?.

Yeah Whiterabbit but doing it on the cheap in a school hall isnt same as a big hotel where the bill for rooms is £1000 is it?My lot are all for a family gathering but yes something on a par with the school hall or a community centre or even a pub is preferable.and better prices.

I wouldn't go, the no vouchers or gifts only cash would put me off. They are basically asking you to fund their reception/party

I agree with what Sparkle said(apologies- it only shows first half of names on my page..)Their actual wedding has been & gone.Sorry but they missed the boat on party & gifts.People cant afford that type of hotel bill nowadays.Cost of livings risen loads since may,& its a cheek of them to book rooms on anyones behalf..Decline.

I would not go. It's the asking for cash, not vouchers or gifts that would put me off it feels like they are wanting you to pay for the reception/party

biglouis

Its an invitation not a summons. I simply state that I did not have the budget for it at this time.

A thoroughly mumsnet answer which I agree with. Excellent response biglouis.

A party at a wedding is to celebrate a new beginning, a new relationship. What is new here? This sounds like someone wanted to throw a fancy party in a nice venue and have their guests help pay for it. If the wedding itself had been important, it would have happened several years ago.

I don't understand the £1000 for the rooms. Who is paying for the rooms? is it the 6 families that are staying at the hotel? or the already married couple?
Do you have to attend? or do you feel obliged to attend? the main issue is - do you want to attend or not?
if you don't really want to go then don't. What is the worst that could happen? Will anybody lose their fingers ?There are others attending so to be blunt they may not even know you are not there!
personally, I would avoid airbnb- nowadays (I've used it in the past but not now as ) it wants your passport details. There is no control over who has access to that data and in these days of scams , you need to be very wary .

My daughter and son in law had a wedding in February for less than £1000 for EVERYTHING. This is grotesque over consumption in my view. (Actually I bought her dress and flowers but that wasn’t too much)!

Wow!

I'm shocked at the response to this question.

I wouldn't miss a family gathering, even if it was going to cost me. My grandmother was the matriarch of the family, and she arranged family gatherings on all the usual celebrations like Christmas, Easter, Guy Fawke's, birthdays and special anniversaries.

I was lucky to see the whole of my family (immediate family, uncles and aunts, cousins on both sides of the family including families of partners and extended family regularly every year (at least several times a year throughout my childhood and into my early twenties. My grandfather was the senior caretaker of various schools in the town I was born in (Burnley), so he always lived in the caretaker's house on site (do schools have them now?) for most of my early years until he retired a couple of years before my grandmothers passing. So, most gatherings were held in the school hall; and a caterer and DJ would be booked. Because we had regular gatherings, any costs (DJ and caterers) were often shared between my grandparents, their siblings and their children (my parents and aunts & uncles). The gym would be opened for the kids to play around on the trampoline and other stuff (bean bags, climbing ropes, horse etc) and if it was a major celebration like an engagement, wedding, silver or golden wedding anniversaries or significant birthday dates, e.g. 50th birthday), they would book rooms at one of the local hotels that catered for such celebrations.
Family was important to my grandparents, and I can thank them for where I am now because of their unselfish care, generosity and life advice when I was a child and youth.

When my grandmother passed away (the same day as John Lennon), the only family gatherings I've been to in the last 42 years are the odd wedding, a few engagement parties and lots of funerals; so, if I was invited to a reception and after party for a family member, I would jump at it no matter the cost.

If the invitation was from a member of my extended family, would be happy to help out as these celebrations have become very expensive over time so helping a new couple is what family does (at least I thought they did).

I so miss my family and after the last funeral I attended in 2019 (my fathers), I suggested to my cousins that we should maybe have at least one family gathering each year. I'd planned to host the first of these in the summer of 2020 with invitations to my siblings, cousins and their families (All my family in the generation above me are now gone apart from two aunts who live in Australia). unfortunately, the Covid restrictions at the time put a stop to that.

Some good ideas here- an Airbnb or a minibus- however, so many weddings are like this these days - we’ve had to fork out to go to our children’s weddings plus of course contributing to it anyway ?and also to nephews and niece’s weddings. We’ve also given a gift from a list. But some have married after a long period of being together and have most things they need anyway. Therefore money is requested for a honeymoon or whatever. It does sound very clinical and chilly but actually it’s not in reality - just common sense. We’ve got used to it now? we’ve always been pleased that we’ve accepted everything and always thoroughly enjoyed Ourselves - in spite of the cost.