Mothers at home matter

So many cliches in this discussion. 'farming children out on other people to bring up'. When you talk to mothers, even now, it is remarkable how little childcare they actually have, even now, because it is so expensive. In my day because it didn't exist, Some children had grandparents near by, but most didn't. Many of us worked part time and fitted our work around our children.

DS, now in his 50s, only recently realised that tthe reason he did all the sports courses he did in the school holidays was because the Leisure centre was very close to my office, so while he did swimming, gymnastics etc. I nipped into the office and did a couple of hours work

Similarly, the myth that all SAHMs were devoted to their children and domestic goddesses. I knew quite a number, who were anything but, farming their children out on anyone who would take them, while they went off socialising.

I am with those who say that everyone makes decisions based on their circumstances and personalities. When I look around at friends and families, whether they were SAHM parents or had both parents working, now with their children grown up and outcomes have very little to do with whether they had SAHM or not and much more to do with other aspects of the family or just the personality the chld was born with.

Surely "a good thing for society" would be for there to be more choice for parents which would need to involve more child friendly working options & affordable childcare.
The thought of staying at home " to mould my children's personalities" makes me shudder.

So rather other people ‘mould ‘ them ?
Uhhh we are all ‘moulded’ one way or another .

How about ‘nurturing our children’?
But there again how would some be nurtured( read as indoctrinated, neglected , pressurised etc

Bridgeit

How about ‘nurturing our children’?
But there again how would some be nurtured( read as indoctrinated, neglected , pressurised etc

Are you suggesting that only a mother can nurture a child?

Mothers and father arent perfect, all knowing people, children need a range of people to 'mould' them and teach them. We learn different skills etc from different people.

Goodbyetoallthat

Surely "a good thing for society" would be for there to be more choice for parents which would need to involve more child friendly working options & affordable childcare.
The thought of staying at home " to mould my children's personalities" makes me shudder.

Good post.

Grandparents play a huge roll in childrens upbringing, whether it’s hands on or even FaceTime.

Let’s them know their roots.

No,I am not, I am suggesting ‘ only a mother can nurture a child, I am suggesting that it is preferable to be initially nurtured by the family that has choosen to have said child.

Smug, sexist, middle class article.
Children have two parents, and if one is absent there is often little choice.

I'm just thinking that if you are a working or sah mum, the very thought that you are "moulding" your child's personality is horrendous. My children have three entirely different personalities, so how could I have moulded them? You do your best to provide your children with the tools to live a happy life and endure through the bad times and one of the best ways of doing that is to make sure you are all happy and looked after. So sometimes work is best for mum and nursery for the child and sometimes they aren't. This isn't a one size fits all situation.
One of the things I notice isn't mentioned in the article is the fact that many of us used play groups from the time our child was 2 and a half, so children were in nursery settings even when mum was at home. Those have gone of course. They were great places, run by sahms providing low cost social experiences for huge numbers of children.

Well said, Glorianny!

I don't think there's any right or wrong choice in this matter. I wouldn't make a judgement on sahm as opposed to working mothers, horses for courses and all that.

I remember being an adolescent at my convent school when it was made apparent by the teachers who were nuns, having a working mother was less than desirable and that was something they reiterated fairly often. My thoughts back then, not expressed obviously. "I have a working mother, she is a good person who is doing the best she can for her family, what would you know a) you've never been a mother, b) had to balance a household budget or c) been out in the cut thrust of working world" That kind of snap judgement stayed with me, either way I wouldn't want to make any sort of pronouncements on what women opt for as there are umpteen variables that come into play for the individual.

I had my first child at 32 and had worked for something in the region of fifteen years, at that time I very much wanted to be a sahm and I did so for probably nine or so years until my youngest went into reception, then I went part time, but working in my husband's business gave me wriggle room as to child hood sick days and school holidays when I could juggle a bit of work from home. In retrospect I was lucky, it wasn't financially imperative that I went back to work. Now, like my mother, for so many women it is, hence the rise of the after school care on school premises that was rater at the time when my children were in infants/junior. When I was a child, my mother went back when I was maybe top juniors it was normal to be a latch key kid then, now that's not really acceptable under say 13 or 14, so childcare has to be found, at enormous cost too.

I understand why some women want to stay at home with their children, I did for quite a while, my days were full I don't remember too much sitting around on my arse unless I was feeding the baby which could be a long protracted process, still not sure how one would juggle that with whatever the job entailed no matter how good a multi tasker. I also can't imagine working, having had say four or more children, or how that is achievable without a live in au pair/nanny, or nearby extended family who would be willing to step up. My son had one such friend, 4 children in the family mother had a very high powered job in the civil service, I never saw her down at the school gates, when my son got invited to a sleep over, invitation that needed to be verified, I rang the home to check to see if that was okay, I spoke to the live in nanny who told me"Mrs x oh she's not here much during the week" So yes without that sort of employed help I imagine, as a mother of say four or more, the logistics of day to day life would be quite difficult to say the least.

I can completely understand the desire of many women to want to return to work, especially if they have worked hard for a professional qualification., or if after a period of time they know that staying at home is driving them up the wall. On the other hand I have a friend who waited until 36 to have her one and only child and her partner expressly wished her to go back to work as soon as, they were financially secure enough for her not to have to. Ultimately it was one of the resentments that led to theit break up, she still laments to this day she had a brief 6 months with her child until he went into a nursery.

Every situation is different and I think we as women should not deride each other's choices. by either suggesting that sahm are lazy, vacuous dossers or that working women don't parent as well as those who stay at home with their children.

What a long way we have come since my father and FIL told their wives that they couldn't have them working as it would look as if they couldn't keep them!
I stayed at home until the youngest went to school and then worked part time so I was there when school finished, consequently I have a very tiny pension. I did my best to make sure my DDs could keep themselves.
Everybody has to do what they feel is best or needed.

It affected my pension too but so be it, it was my choice to be home while the children were young

TerriBull I don't think there's any right or wrong choice in this matter. I wouldn't make a judgement on sahm as opposed to working mothers, horses for courses and all that.

I understand why some women want to stay at home with their children, I did for quite a while, my days were full I don't remember too much sitting around on my arse unless I was feeding the baby which could be a long protracted process, still not sure how one would juggle that with whatever the job entailed no matter how good a multi tasker.

So yes without that sort of employed help I imagine, as a mother of say four or more, the logistics of day to day life would be quite difficult to say the least.

Thank you for articulating what I was unable to explain.

Loving all of this!
Breeding indeed, that made me laugh because love my time as a mum as I do and desperately excited about becoming granny and as hands on as I will be allowed.
It’s a fact, we are all just breeding. The emotional input is different for all it seems. Some of us will give up our own lives and give it over to our children and others organise and arrange around for the set period they are ours. Then continue with their own lives again.

Sadly, many of the young people I know have decided not 'to breed' as they feel the world ahead is just to uncertain.

Yes, I am saddened to hear women being unpleasant to other women using inflammatory phrases such as " farmed out" or " sat on their bottoms all day". Good parenting comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes and every mother ( with a few exceptions) works hard to do the best for their child( ren). I worked part time and then full time, after my husband left a few months after my last child was born. It was a struggle, but we had to eat, and so I went to earn the money for that. Would being a sahm on benefits have been better for my children? I don't think so. My son and daughters have a good work ethic, which might be because of what they saw growing up. All of us have to manage the hand we are dealt, so let's show each other a little compassion.

A few people have mentioned that the discussion is mainly about whether mothers should have the choice to stay at home, and what about fathers? In my case, I was the only one with a job - my OH had some part-time work initially but that came to an end. He stayed at home to look after the children (we had 5 in the end) while I went to work. I would like to have had the choice, and so would OH, but one of us had to work and my job was fairly well paid.

It worked reasonably well for us - the children always had a parent at home when they were young and he did a lot of work at home - growing veg, house renovations - somehow he managed to get the baby to sleep a lot while I was at work! He did get back to work eventually when the children were older.

In our case, it wasn't a choice - just the way things worked out, but I think it actually suited me to work outside the home. I did have long holidays as my work was in further education so had plenty of time with my children too.

Farmor15
A couple of us did mention this back near the beginning of these posts but the thread has drifted back to treating men and women in their stereotype roles.

Jackiest - I had seen some of the earlier posts mentioning fathers and I think there should be more discussion of choices for both parents. I remember a male colleague of mine saying he would loved to have been able to spend more time at home with his children. His wife didn't work, and didn't want to, so he felt a bit trapped, with no choice!

Nowadays at least there is some paternity leave and parental leave which can be taken by either parent. In Sweden, it is expected that after the mother has finished maternity leave, she will go back to work and the father will take some months off until the child goes to (heavily subsidised) daycare. However, because of the generous childcare and facilities for parents to take paid leave if children are sick, it expected that both parents will work, so children in Sweden can end up spending a lot of time being looked after by carers other than their parents.

Out of interest, I don't remember any suitable care for babies and small children - when we had our first two daughters. What did mums who wished to work do, in 1960s, for childminding?

Norah

Out of interest, I don't remember any suitable care for babies and small children - when we had our first two daughters. What did mums who wished to work do, in 1960s, for childminding?

Their mothers helped them
They used childminders, who were around in the 1960s
They worked hours which fitted in with their husband’s work, often in the evenings
Neighbours helped each other with childcare
Families with older children used them to look after the younger ones

My Nan looked after us so my Mum could work. Was there child care in the sixties apart from family?

Esspee

I was a full time mum because I didn’t bring children into the world to farm them out to others to mould their personalities.

Had it been a financial imperative that I worked I would not have had children.

What a pompous response. Did you not have your own career ambitions or want to make your own money?

Staying at home with children is tedious and fries the brain. I loved my career & would have hated to rely on my DH for money-very demeaning.