What would you say if your husband told you to stop squawking?

If he'd said that to me he would have had difficulty breathing! How abysmally rude!

25Avalon - I would have said 'stop gaslighting' because that's exactly what your hubby is doing, likening you to a small-brained bird who can only squawk and not reason, he's poking at your self-esteem so please don't let it pass by in future. And it's very useful to use the 'gaslighting' word in front of others because that type of put down/bullying is generally reserved for use in private - bring it out into the open and observers will praise you for standing up to the put down - your hubby will think twice about going there in future.

When I read how far back the abuse goes in many of the marriages exampled, I am puzzled why many of these marriages ever took place in the first place.

It’s not the word per se. It is the verbal disrespect and aggression - emotional abuse.

Which is the point I think some are missing.

Most of us know there's a difference between when a remark or word is intended to humiliate, and when it's said off-the-cuff, jokingly.

Wyllow3

Jaxie

My husband has one more than one occasion told me to,”Be quiet” or, “Shut up” in front of others. After 56 years of marriage I’m not going to change this hurtful behaviour. My revenge is as suggested by Gransnetters: he is a Scrooge, so I spend a heap of HIS money on a present for myself.

Yes, but isn't it time to challenge it? At least talk about it?

Absolutely.

Why would you choose to continue to live with someone who presents “hurtful behaviour”?

Jaxie

My husband has one more than one occasion told me to,”Be quiet” or, “Shut up” in front of others. After 56 years of marriage I’m not going to change this hurtful behaviour. My revenge is as suggested by Gransnetters: he is a Scrooge, so I spend a heap of HIS money on a present for myself.

Yes, but isn't it time to challenge it? At least talk about it?

From Buddhism....

What would LOVE do now?

Tell him to stop barking!

I would be more concerned about the fact he’s manipulative and not very nice in front of your daughter than the actually word

My husband has one more than one occasion told me to,”Be quiet” or, “Shut up” in front of others. After 56 years of marriage I’m not going to change this hurtful behaviour. My revenge is as suggested by Gransnetters: he is a Scrooge, so I spend a heap of HIS money on a present for myself.

If me I would put him on total ignore until he learns respect. Not sure I could stay in a marriage that didn't have respect

He wouldn't have known what had hit him

Disgusting!
Undermining
Controlling vile behaviour. I can see this isn’t isolated and I’m sure there’s more beside this comment.

@undine. Me can offer those things. Some just don’t want to. I’d ask myself could I subject myself and children to that behaviour for 40+ years.
How would you feel if your son did that to his wife. The next generation will expect and treat their partners based on what their parents relationships have been like. So if you don’t mind your daughter being spoken to and treated like that- fine. Personally I would want better for mine.

I could tell him I’ll stop squawking when he stops living- his choice

M0nica

I am just as likely as DH to use an anodyne irritant word like 'squawking'. Nothing to do with control, all to do with what words all of us use when irritated.

There are far worse words, like 'c*nt. wh*re, and the full gamut of really vile and obscene words contained within the English language, 'squawking' isn't even an expletive!

I refuse to believe that everyone obecting to this word live in perfect relationships, where never a bad word is used, no one ever disagrees. All of us get irritated at times and use perfectly clean normal words but with an inflection or tone that makes them mildly pejorative.

I would include 'squawking' among these normal words that can be mildly perjorative in the wrong context. Parrots squawk, so, do other birds. All kinds of sounds can be described as squawking.

Lats face it, said with the right tone of voice the word 'darling', 'love', or 'sweetheart' can be an insult.

It’s not the word per se. It is the verbal disrespect and aggression - emotional abuse.

paddyann54 Well said!

How very very rude. Tell him to stop squatting and move out!

Tell him squawkers don’t cook, wash, clean, shop etc..
And don’t do anything for him for a week, or until he begs forgiveness for his disparaging remark.

It's disrespectful and demeaning. I think that we women are extra-sensitive to anything that implies we aren't being listened to - because of course we haven't been listened to for centuries. It feels like a patriarchy-infused remark and as you've asked him in the past not to use it, it's extra-infuriating. I'm sorry you are sad. My husband regularly makes me sad (and mad) in similar ways, but I think it's because we expect too much of the average male, when we enter marriage. Romance, understanding, empathy, being really listened to - many men just can't offer these things. Maybe it was better back in the 'old' days, when the hunters departed for days, brought back the food, we all celebrated and conceived children and they went off again before the gloss wore off!

Phew, I'm so glad I read to the end of the thread before commenting, because some have caught the gist of the OP's post rather than being literal and seeing only the words.

Of a similar context -
My husband introduced me to various people at his Club as "his first wife". There would be a "oh, I didn't know you'd been married before", and his reply would be "I haven't been, I just like to keep her on her toes". First time I laughed along with the others. By the - 6th? 7th? 8th, over several years, I felt utterly humiliated and despite me asking he would continue to say it. One lovely gent looked at him askance and said "I call my wife my Queen". Still didn't stop him.

We've been divorced 2 years. His current partner has been married twice before ....

It upset me, I felt humiliated, I asked him every time after the first few times not to say it, but he still did. Anyone want to tell me it's just words? Anyone want to tell me life's too short? Please don't trivialise the OP's feelings on this, advise certainly but until you've stood in her shoes perhaps don't poo-poo it as "seeking drama".

DH once called me a "cloth-eared rag" because I misheard something. 49 years on it's become a family joke-saying. Didn't bother me then, and anyway we both now wear hearing aids . I guess it depends on the manner of saying it

I would have told him to eff off…disrespectful pig!

I would have told him how disrespectful that was especially in front of your daughter and asked him to apologise in front of her. I would also tell him that if he refused then I wouldn't pollute his ears by speaking to him again until he did so.

When I read the title of the post it made me laugh. And if my husband had said that to me I would definitely have laughed, we would both laugh about it. It wouldn't offend me. I've certainly heard it before. As paddyanne says life's too short to get upset over a word! Why is everyone so hypersensitive these days, have we all lost our sense of humour.

For goodness sake this seems like nothing very much. Surely it’s not enough to dwell on. Just deal with the situation as seems fit at the time then move on.
Everyone seems to want drama in their life these days and want to draw everyone else in.