Title edited by GNHQ: Trigger Warning - Really shocked

At nineteen suicide was the furthest thought from my mind, I knew my friend was in a really bad place, but with the optimism of youth, I thought everything would work out.
I have never blamed myself, his mother blamed me, but I was at least mature enough to realise that was all to do with her own guilt.
In a way it’s been very hard to forgive him, he left so much chaos behind, and it was probably years before I accepted that he was way beyond caring.

Bigloise, I cannot agree with your views at all, every death is a tragedy. They do what they do because at that moment the balance of their mind is disturbed they feel it’s the only way to switch their problems off. There is nothing that cannot be sorted, nothing. It us an unbelievable tragedy for the person who takes their life for their family and friends who carry that for ever. To try and get help for mental health is almost impossible, waiting lists too long. Social media has a lot to answer for.

So sorry choughdancer and everyone else.

violetsky I’m glad to read you were found in time. Hope you have been in a better place since.

Suicide leaves a life time legacy of daily pain and guilt for those left behind.
Sometimes a feeling of anger and bitterness too.
Gosh it's hard to explain and each case is different.
My father drowned himself in Perth, Australia a couple of months after my first child was born. I was in my early twenties. My mum had died a few weeks before the baby was born. I was an only child.
How dare he!

Kate1949

Can I just add, for those who have never experienced mental health problems/depression/anxiety that it is utterly terrifying. I hadn't experienced it until a few years ago and was one of the 'pull yourself together' people, including to my brother at times.
When I began to experience my own mental health issues, boy did I realise. You can feel so bad in yourself that anything would be better than facing another day. Logic cannot be applied to the way you feel.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a loved one , especially from suicide. Several of Kate1949's posts on here have struck a chord with me. Like you, Kate, my brother took his own life; he was 35, and the deep down cause, I believe, was his childhood. The 'pull yourself together' attitude was deeply embedded in our family, and clinical depression is not sadness ABOUT something. As you have said it is truly terrifying. You cannot just 'cheer up'!

To all of you

Suicide leaves a life time legacy of daily pain and guilt for those left behind.

This is so true. For a few years after he killed himself I raged against my 32 year old brother. I called him a coward and many other things. Partly I think because I felt guilty that I hadn't helped him or seen what he would do (I lived 200 miles away and had infrequent contact). Partly because I just couldn't understand what made him feel he had no other course of action. Or wanted no other course of action. After 30 years I still feel guilt and a bottomless pit of wondering because although I think I know now what he was going through I don't know. I only know I will never know. Sadly I don't even know that he is resting in peace. Which doesn't make much sense because he's dead, but in my head he will always be distressed and worried.

That's true Baggs.

Kate1949

Thank you Baggs. My post was rather insensitive knowing what you are going through.

I don't think it is insensitive, kate1949. Truth is truth and people's experiences vary enormously.

That it exactly Fanny. Other people is what it's about.

Bijou

This is not a new thing. When I was nine (1932) a school friend took his life.

Sorry to derail - but are you 100 next year Bijou?

Kate I appreciated your post too.
I’ve been in that place when I lost my mom. It was my love for my dad that kept me going

Thank you Baggs. My post was rather insensitive knowing what you are going through.

Bravely said, Kate1949. People don't seem to think of that.

Not everyone likes being alive. Some find life terrifying. People carry on for their families and because they feel guilty when there are so many sick people desperately trying to stay alive. I know this from my own experience.

My DD lost three friends close together in her late teens, one suicide, one drowning and a car accident, she seems fine but it will have had an impact. My DH has severe PTSD from childhood trauma and is receiving excellent help from our local authority and had a comparatively short wait for treatment. Private mental health care has very long waiting lists and so many people require help that is is very concerning. Is it worse now or is it that we are more aware? I really don’t know but pressures of daily life are so immense that I am sure it will get worse. It is very worrying.

I wonder if there's one more factor that nobody has mentioned. We are constantly being told that the state of our planet has reached the point of no return, for anyone who is suffering from depression this could make them feel that there is no point in living in a world that is doomed.

TwinLolly

Sadly my dear twin took her life. 6 years later it still hurts. I've got so many questions and no answers....

Of course it’s not new bijou the amount is new though

This is not a new thing. When I was nine (1932) a school friend took his life.

I think the lockdown has alot to answer for as it contributed to mental health problems. They might have had them before but the pandemic worsened them. There is also too much pressure to succeed academically, and having a sibling who is gifted can aggravate the problem as you feel in their shadow. I have suffered mental health problems for years because of that, but you never talked about it in those days, and I am glad there is more openness. There was a scarcity of jobs where I lived when I was young which meant employers could fire and fire at will, and my God some of them did. I lost 11 jobs which greatly contributed to my depression. I would start a job, and the "first day" apprehension was heightened, and I would always fail the trial period. Yes, I could write a book about mental health problems.

I don’t think it’s entirely true that pressure comes from parents, not schools. My grandson, 13, was at a highly academic school where most of the talk of both pupils and staff was about exam results, who was top, who was clever etc. He found it all very stressful. He was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. His parents (my son and daughter-in-law) took a gamble and removed him from the school, sending him instead to the local comprehensive. He is very much happier and more relaxed.

Reading this thread has made me realise how dangerous that sort of pressure was.

Our terrible childhood had a lot to do with my brother's death I believe.

I don’t totally agree Saggi pressure very often comes from the child / person themselves and that can wholly be down to personality although it can come from teachers/parents etc it can totally be how you are made, your way of processing thoughts
The 20 year old who’s family I know well had no expectations on him he had everything, a wonderful life style his own home, a job, he had talked of killing himself before, the parents did everything to help him they got him counselling they believed drugs were involved they got him on a programme they had plenty of cash in the family there was never anything they could see that was wrong he got on well with his mum dad and sibling he was very popular lots of friends
One day he phoned his mum and said he was going to kill himself she told him to wait she was on her way She jumped straight in the car and drove to him She found him dead

I strongly disagree with biglouis post. I really can't believe people can think like that. It can take as little as one word to show someone that there are people who care and give them a glimmer of hope.
My daughter has talked about it with me, once when she was 17 and her first boyfriend died due to a transplant failure, and later at university when a very strong character bullied her. She had good support, but I text her everyday and support her with everything.

MadeinYorkshire, I am so saddened by your news, I hope you are getting the support you need.