Children are quick. Comical sayings of children.

Well, this is going back a bit now, to the autumn of 1978 to be exact, when the election of popes was very much in the news, two such elections having happened within a few weeks. I, for my sins, was trying to teach maths to a middling group of 13-14 year-olds who were never going to be Fields Medallists and didn't much care; nice enough but lively and ever ready to spot an opportunity for distraction.

The room I was teaching in overlooked the school playing field (remember those, before they were all sold off in the 1980s?) There was also a groundsman's shed, which incorporated a pottery kiln. The kiln was in use that day, with smoke pouring from a chimney. And of course, one lad at the back of the room had to pipe up

"MISS, THEY'VE ELECTED A NEW GROUNDSMAN!"

That was it for me. I couldn't keep a straight face for the rest of the lesson.

I can just imagine it LadyHonoriaDedlock [ grin ]

One of the funniest that I was told lately was of the 6year old lad who told his mother that he and Beth, who was in the same class as him and went in to lunch with him, had had sex at lunchtime.
His mother looked at him in horror and asked him to explain. The little lad said "We were the only two who wanted second helping of pudding."
Big sigh of relief from his mother.

My 6 year old was just getting used to her new language, French and not pronouncing the S at the end of a word.
As we neared our ski destination she cried out excitedly,
'oh look there's Alpe over there' , we still say it today.

Someone asked me at Christmas why was Mary using a donkey when they had a taxi they were going to pay for.
I've also had 'The three wise Guys", instead of the three wise men.

When I was at Grammar school we had a lad whose second name was Gibbon. I remember the scene of walking into a classroom and a teacher shouting your a load of monkeys, a mutter of Gibbon and he jumped on a desk and started making chimp noises and holding his arms like one, all control was completely lost.

Yammy 😂
I love the three wise guys.
Did they make Mary an offer she couldn’t refuse?

Maywalk

I can just imagine it LadyHonoriaDedlock [ grin ]

One of the funniest that I was told lately was of the 6year old lad who told his mother that he and Beth, who was in the same class as him and went in to lunch with him, had had sex at lunchtime.
His mother looked at him in horror and asked him to explain. The little lad said "We were the only two who wanted second helping of pudding."
Big sigh of relief from his mother.

My Nephew came home and announced he had had sex that day at school. We were shocked until he explained he'd had a second helping of pudding!

One of my GD's told me off for feeding cat food to the birds because "they'll grow fur instead of feathers and wont be able to fly"
The same wee girl asked me if I put my pantie girdle on outside in would it make my tummy bigger ?
She is a joy,

Oreo

Yammy 😂
I love the three wise guys.
Did they make Mary an offer she couldn’t refuse?

I think they already had., The other class were an odd class to teach not naughty but innocent. One day they were taking turns saying what they would like to be when they grew up. One very innocent girl said she wanted to be a fairy instead of laughing a little boy behind her lifted her shirt and said "You're going to have trouble you haven't got any wings". Nobody laughed and I bent down and hid my smile.
.

When my son was in primary school ( he is now 32 ) he came home one day shortly before Easter and told us that the teacher had been telling the class all about Jesus and the twelve cyclists.
He is reminded of this every Easter and it still makes me smile.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the !!???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

My two youngest children were watching Ivor the Engine on tv. I said "Oh, this is an old one. I remember watching this when I was your age." The next time it came on, my son turned to me and said " Mummy, this used to be on in olden times when you lived, didn't it? "

I asked my long suffering mother if she had ever worn a crinoline. It was years before I worked out her real age as she always said she was 29 - we had a nosey neighbour & mum was one who did not want to divulge her true age (she was 34 when I was born)!

It took one of my DDs into her 20's before she suddenly laughed and said Bob Cratchit, she had always called him Pork Scratchings. It comes up every time at a family gathering.
A friend's son came home from school when there was the salmonella scare in chickens a few years ago and said he had had salmonella for lunch, he meant semolina.

Comment from my teenaged granddaughter after returning from a wilderness camp where they had to survive and make shelters, ‘I hate nature’

I remember reading the three little pigs to my 3/4 year olds . A small boy was really into it when I got to the bit when he huffed and puffed and blew the house down he looked up and said’ the b*****d I couldn’t move and kept calm and carried on the rest of the staff were in hysterics! I still can’t read it without remembering this! The

My toddler daughter was learning new words. We went into the greengrocers and I asked her what she wanted. She pointed to the oranges. Say ‘oranges’ I prompted…

Om-i-oms!

The greengrocer laughed and everytime we went back he asked if she wanted onioms.

We still call them omioms to this day… she’s now 38!

Bobby, while sitting on the bus,
"I felt a bit travel-sick the other day Nana."
Me, "Oh dear, we'll have to get you some mints to suck for that."
Bobby, "Could I have bacon instead?"
Me, "Errrr..."

I once made samoosa's for my daughter and one of her friends, then in their early teens. Later that week I heard that friend saying to another girl : if you go to xxxxx's home you should eat the salmonella's her mum makes, they're só good. 😅

Just the other day my excited 3 year old grandson accidentally knocked over the Christmas tree we were decorating. He said it wasn't his fault "God did it!!"

My 2 year old granddaughter was slow to start talking and couldn’t string two words together…so my daughter ( child psychologist) decided she was fine just needed little more encouragement than most..so started using picture flash cards. She showed her a picture of a flamingo …out came ‘fiffeemeemo’…then picture of hippopotamus ..out came ‘hiheepoppa’ ….to this day ( she’s 10) we all call them ‘fiffeemeemo’s….it’s on video …she can’t get away from it. I watch it occasionally when I need to smile. But not allowed when she’s around.

My youngest daughter, following a history topic she had been doing in school and aged about 7, asked her grandma ' Had the wheel been invented when you were a little girl grandma'. At the time my mum was 57.

Grandchild in car: while revising for RE exam: "there is no difference between a jew and a genitalia." Had a job to keep the car on the road after this one.

4 year old when asked what we needed to get from the shops
'Cock porn'
(Pop corn)