grandad not accepting step grandchildren or stepdaughter

Galaxy

Has he not heard of the postal service.

Just so.
It seems like a subtle form of control, causing unease (potentially) in the family.

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of this difficult situation. When my ex left he kept in touch with his youngest daughter and family but my eldest daughter could not forgive him for walking out and wanted nothing to do with him.. I didn't get caught on between them but I can't imagine what your having to deal with . So sorry.

Has he not heard of the postal service.

I wouldn't even physically pass anything on.

The idea of an ex is that all their issues are now theirs, and you don't need to take any part, or try to smooth things over.

I'd tell your son and ask him what he wants you to do. Let him decide.

Tell your ex to post the cheques himself, with any luck they wont arrive til after Christmas (postal strikes) and so nobody's Christmas need be ruined! Why should you do his dirty work, and tell your son that you understand your ex is sending xmas cheques in the post.
I cant really see why your ex is behaving like this! Why on earth object to his sons step children! It makes zero sense to me.

Has anyone tried to explain to your DH that he’s in effect cutting off your son and that this might lead to awful long term estrangement?

Usually we try and bite our tongues to avoid hurting our AC and GC?

Your DH sees things in a particular.r way but the reality is his and your DS has a new family. Maybe a male relative of your DH would explain the and any consequences of cutting off your DS family?

Good luck nannafunny

Why not say to your son "Here's some money for you and family from your dad"?

Re your husband's only actual (blood line) grandchild, why shouldn't he give a cheque to this person?

I think you are focussing on the not giving to unrelated people rather than giving to related people. It doesn't have to be an issue. If you don't make it one, probably no-one else will either.

I agree with giving the cheque back to your ex-husband. Don't become piggy in the middle. This is between your son and his father.

So sad that chidden are being used this way. We have 8 great-grandchildren . 7 by birth but a lovely complementary one who calls me greatgrandma like the others do.

Anyone who wants to do something that could hurt or upset someone else should have the guts to do it themselves without trying to involve another in their behaviour. Tell him to do it himself. It's nothing to do with you.

My story is similar but in a way different. My late partner had 2 sons and I had 2. When my grandson was born my parner was ok with him but as he grew older he virtually ignored him when he came to stay. It was hard being in the middle and visits were awkward. When my grand daughter was born he was over the moon and went out of his way to talk to her. When he died he left £3000 to her and nothing to my grandson. I never got to the bottom of why he didn’t like my grandson

I would hand the cheques back to your ex with a strong word telling him you won't be his messenger, then tell your son you have done so and go and enjoy the love of your new blended family. Keep clear of being an intermediary

In my view, pass the cheques on in an envelope address to your son. Throwing money away nowadays seems rather extravagant - lots of people could do with the money, could your son somehow pass it on to a charity?

I’m with the just pass it on brigade. I think I’d make it clear to ds however that this is not your doing and you don’t approve. I’m sure ds knows what his dad is like. You are spending Christmas with ds and new family and will have a lovely time. Your ex will miss out and destroy his relationship with his son but that’s his choice. Nothing to blame you for.

nanafunny

Do you know why your ex disapproves of your son's new partner? Although if they've been together for 4 years already she's hardly "new".

I'd want to know if I was being used as an intermediary. He's your ex - why is it your job to hand over the cheques? In fact under the circumstances, I'd refuse to do it. It's a 'gesture' being made by him not you as a couple.

Is she aware of his hostility?

Poor woman. She's obviously made her step-son, your grandson, happy and if your son and she are buying a house together, it seems like they are in a serious committed relationship. So what is his beef?

I know some men are fusty in their attitude towards women who have children from a previous relationship - they often assume that they latch on to a man as a 'meal-ticket'.

Whatever the reason, it's petty and spiteful, and he's using your daughter and you as messengers for his ill-natured deed. I'd refuse to be part of it and hand the cheques back telling him to do his own dirty work.

Go and enjoy Christmas with your son, grandson, and your new extended family. I hope you all have a lovely time together.

Why should you be his messenger especially as you don’t agree with the message
Tell your EX husband to do what he wants with his cheque but you’re not his messenger boy
I can see why he’s an EX
CHEEKY MOO

I yhink that not passing on is stepping into something that should be your adult sons decision. Your son is entitled to make his own choices in his relationship with his father, however his father behaves

If you don't want yo be involved atall then send them back to ex and tell him to deal with your son direct

But I think it is a mistake to make decisions specifically on behalf of your son on aspects of his father's "relationship" with him

Norah

I'd hand my child the cheques, with the instructions from his father and say "do as you wish, I'm just the messenger, I don't approve the message"

I'd refuse to take part in future.

Stupid X, for good reasons I'd bet.

This is what I would do too!

Presumably son knows all: maybe it partly depends if he really needs the money, nanafunny, does he, might it make a real difference?

All rather pathetic! Sounds ex husband either feels the young new partner has "taken his son away from him" or its sheer sexual jealously from the older man.

“I’m not doing your dirty work. If you want to act an ass, don’t be a coward and hide behind me.”

I would be inclined to tell him to sort it himself. Why does he want to involve you.? . If it were my son I would treat them all the same.

I would also not pass them on

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Families come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes the ones people choose are the best. I'm so glad you don't share his views

But if you don't pass the cheques on, you give mean grandpa ammunition to tell son how mean YOU are. I'm with Norah,

"I'd hand my child the cheques, with the instructions from his father and say "do as you wish, I'm just the messenger, I don't approve the message"

After that, play it by ear. Son may decide not to take it or may decide to contact mean Grandpa himself.

thanks for your views everyone.
I will not pass cheques on