To be or not to be a grandmother.

Thank you so much everyone for your very rich and varied contributions. What I love about Gransnet is that it takes all sorts to make a board. Wishing you all very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year wherever you may find yourselves and until 2023. all the very best!

I have grandchildren who are lovely of course but I can honestly say it would not have bothered me one bit if I didn’t have any. I’m not a motherly sort so had my daughters not had children it wouldn’t have bothered me because I’m my own person. I soon shy away if photos are produced and when one has to be bored hearing what geniuses these grandchildren all are I just wonder why women,and it is always women , don’t see the glazed look on the faces of the victims!

I used to get constant similar things when I was first married about any children yet etc etc and sometimes comments such as you business women or career women in a pejorative tone. I did not choose to tell all and sundry that I was hoping for children and going through all sorts of treatments, and it could often be quite hurtful when comments about friends who already had two children and when was I going to catch up etc. I preferred to let them think career woman rather than tell my private information. Then we adopted my son and it amused me when people would remark how like me or my husband he looked when of course he had no genetic connection with us but no doubt copied our mannerism. As he grew and I took him to the usual childs checks one officious bossy nurse said to me quite shortly "where was he born home or hospital?" to which I replied truthfully " I dont know" she tutted and repeated where was he born in a louder voice and I said I have no idea (short pause) then followed with the fact that he was adopted. At least she did have the grace to blush and mutter Oh sorry. My son has always known he was adopted but I do think people might give a little thought before making assumptions about other peoples lives. As far as I can see , it again seems to be a gender based attitude. You hear more women being asked if they have grandchildren rather than men, and this I feel goes back to the old attitude that women have the families and are responsible for all family life. I am sure most of us want our children to chose their paths in life and enjoy the grandchildren we have but do not feel it is our right to suggest when or if our children should have families of their own. However important your children and grandchildren or in your life you should not be defined by their existance and I would feel that starting with that was impolite and does not show interest in your life. The reply to that for me would be what is your husband doing? When they looked at you and wondered why you asked that you can then say oh I thought that was the right response to your comments. We are all individuals and enjoy being you..

If someone came up to me out of the blue and said, grandchildren! I’d have said piles, if she looked puzzled I’d have retorted oh it must be just the way you walk, I don’t like rude people,

At 68 I have no grandchilden. It doesn't bother me. I never had a 'proper' relationship with my own grandparents, who were already elderly when I was born, lived a long way off and were never really much interested anyway. I have a daughter, in her 40s now, who has shown no maternal instincts and that his her life, I respect that.

Occasionally I wonder what I may have missed but, never having known it anyway, I don't lose sleep over it.

I was 68 or 69 when my first grandchild was born, as were my parents. It seems quite normal to me.

For some of us, our lives HAVE to revolve around our grandchildren or in our case, our grandson. We have no choice but to plan our holidays around his childcare requirements, as there is no-one else who can look after him. We haven't had a holiday since before COVID and god only knows when we'll manage to get one! I love him dearly, but this is not how I saw this part of my life panning out.

With due respect Blondiescot That is an entirely different situation and I think most of us would step up to the mark if we were the only alternative to a child going into care, no matter how much it would make life difficult, unless we were unable to take over.

This doesnt diminish my respect for grandmother's like you who do step up to the mark when necessary. I am just thankful that I have not been presented with that dilemma.

I think if you find someone has AC it's not unreasonable to ask if there are any grandchildren. To comment negatively in any way if the response is no is downright rude.

I have a very active social life but I really don’t worry if and when someone asks about the family or lack of. Who cares ? It is just someone being friendly as far as I’m concerned. I don’t read anything sinister or rude into it but maybe the people I know are more laid back than others and less likely to be offensive. I’m beginning to think I must live in some sort of blessed bubble with the people I come across.

Very odd for someone to say “Grandchildren?” before even saying hello.

I think we’re all different. For some having grandchildren is the centre of their lives - nothing wrong with that - and they feel others might be the same. Some have grandchildren they don’t see or hear from often and others don’t have any. I think we should all be sensitive to others and their lives and life choices. My daughter is desperate for a baby but running out of money for IVF. Never mentioned outside the family.

I’m a fairly new Grandmother and have gone away over Christmas.
Am I wrong in missing my first Grandchilds first Christmas.?

'wrong' no- your choice. I personally would hve chosen to be there.

Grandma29

I’m a fairly new Grandmother and have gone away over Christmas.
Am I wrong in missing my first Grandchilds first Christmas.?

New babies don’t know it’s Christmas.
You can see your GC in January and pretend it’s Christmas 🤶

But I wouldn’t miss the next ten or so😊

I mean, that’s when they’re fun.

I’m mid (late) 60s and I get this a lot. It’s as frequent (and as hurtful) as being asked almost daily why I was still single from the age of around 25. I did eventually find my man and (to my surprise and pleasure, against the odds) had two healthy children. I have no siblings.
My adult children will never have their own children, so no grandchildren for me, ever.
It hurts so much- and every time someone asks, I feel myself putting on the brave smile, but I die inside a little. I don’t bounce back. It’s so upsetting.
Every time my close friends tell me about their time with their grandchildren, or another is born I am glad for them but have to hold myself together until I can find a quiet place to cry.
I have no one to share this with in real life. No one gets just how frequent the question and how insensitive it actually is.

💐 Dizzyribs reading your post makes me so sad for you.

Dizzyribs that is sad. You have 2 adult children and they are a blessing for you whether or not they have children. I have some friends who have never had children and don’t actually like them,either so I never talk about my children and various offspring when I am with them. We actually talk about dogs because they both have dogs. I am not really a doggy person at all, prefer cats but I can respect their love for their pets. We are all different and thank the Lord for that.

It’s really annoying. We don’t have any - sadly both our children are unable to. It has ceased to matter because our daughters are well and happy. But I do get furious that so many people think we live a weird kind of half life because we have no grandchildren. I just ignore them !!