Loneliness, can we help ?

I think we all need to try and become a little better at realising and combatting lonliness - other peoples' and our own.

We moved six years ago to a small country town, where people still automatically say good morning or good day when they pass you in the street.

Admittedly, you don't really get to know them, but it does mitigate the feeling I often had in a big city of being completely invisible!

Perhaps we should all try to re-instate greeting those we pass in the street, chatting about the weather etc, at the bus-stop.

How nice to hear that some of you are trying to stay in touch with those you know are lonely. Keep up the good work, and let us all try to follow your example.

Yes, Christmas, New Year, Easter, birthdays are hard if you are on your own, or married to someone who doesn't really mind whether we celebrate or not.

Some solve the problem by ignoring these days, others find some one they can share them with - it all depends on your character which option you prefer.

How about all us lonely ones, or sometimes lonely ones trying on ordinary days of this year to get to know one or two new people, or find some voluntary organisation that hosts Christmas or other dos for the lonely or homeless and volunteer to help them?

Joining a book club, volunteering, helping children with homework or whatever else we could do for a couple of hours a week may not help the Christmas on our own dread, but should ease the feeling of loneliness at other times.

There are lots of befriending services if you are interested in volunteering

www.ageuk.org.uk/hammersmithandfulham/get-involved/volunteer/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjRMoJadOc8EIFQEsb17IPHeOz7DnaFdmsNg1uXyW-ZpnITaEl0FxBgaAgjDEALw_wcB

www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/supporting-people/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=1820689649&utm_content=137992230954&utm_term=befriending%20uk&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjRwLVd4eDZqpL6SSFgbI6BxOG58RvHNWKjx8YQd7ubYB45vEtqp-E4aAg_nEALw_wcB

www.marmaladetrust.org/donate?gclid=Cj0KCQiAnsqdBhCGARIsAAyjYjSyzAR0TnYdfqeGF41nkZ7cIMB13MchyKr7Xc5qNeRJcnBZUQhE46IaAhRcEALw_wcB

www.befriending.co.uk/about/become-a-befriender/

I'm sure there are more than these charities too.

I think Anniebach was talking about a particular post but actually oversharing and talking non stop are a sign of loneliness. If you haven't seen anyone for ages, when you do see someone you can't stop talking.

Solitary does not imply feeling lonely.

I know people who talk without pausing or serious listening to replies. Their talk is sometimes self-absorbed , and sometimes of a sort ill suited to their audience, sometimes both of those. I have found the best way to receive these talkers is to try to tolerate them kindly, pretend to be interested when necessary, and try to think of ways to involve them more in the company they are in, such as asking them to peel the spuds, or set the table, or hand round the vol au vents.

My mum used to talk about her ailments all the time but, on reflection, what else did she have to talk about? She didn’t go out much which was her own choice, , where she lived had changed a lot, all her old neighbours had either died or moved away. She did have family (sisters and brothers) who occasionally phoned her but not that often. She used to ring me, or I her, every day but really her conversation was limited. I think it happens with some elderly people especially those with ongoing illnesses.

Juicylucy

Ageuk do a telephone service for people on their own you can arrange to chat with someone for around 30 mins each week. Might be worth looking into for him.

I’m a Age uk befriender. We visit people in their own homes.
If anyone is lonely and wants a regular visitor see if your area has the scheme.

Jane Judge wrote:

---"actually oversharing and talking non stop are a sign of loneliness. If you haven't seen anyone for ages, when you do see someone you can't stop talking."

I am solitary not lonely and when I do meet someone who I seldom meet I tend to expect them to be on my wavelength. Actually, this is seldom the case as I like intense conversations and feel sad with small talk when the other person is genuinely superficial and who says nothing besides thoughtless small talk.

But Caleo do you just like being on your own? which is different from being lonely

This year in particular I felt really alone at Christmas. (I'm 67) I have some good friends but they were with their partners, families or other friends.
I always enjoyed Christmas but it's not the same when you have no close family left. My sister died on Christmas Eve so although you try not to think about it you can't help it. Last year I didn't even get my decorations up as in the November I had a shock with a routine scan which meant I ended up in Christies having a major op just before Christmas so couldn't do anything when I got out. I think this on top of the covid lockdowns when you didn't see anyone and I couldn't do the things I normally do to socialise made it really difficult. I find that this last year I have lost a lot of confidence - I used to travel all over abroad on my own but haven't for 3 years now. I have no children and have been on my own about 11 years after my partner left (with no reason or warning after 14 years). My Dad's sister in law is my only Auntie left from the village I was born in and try to get to see her when I can and ring every week as she has had to go into a home and was 94 on 1 Dec. but is 2-3 hours away. Her 2 children don't really keep in touch with me.
I wouldn't like to intrude on other people's celebrations. A few years ago I emailed the Sally Army to offer my services on Christmas Day with meals or whatever but was just told my services weren't required so haven't bothered since.
I wondered if anyone else does the Age UK befriending service as wondered if it might help me too as I get on well with older people.

Your intent was admirable. You say though the person is quite deaf so would that not be frustrating for her, trying to have some conversation but perhaps missing or misunderstanding what's being said. My DH was deaf and most phone calls either land-line or mobile were passed to me. His cochlear implant enabled mobile calls to be amplified but he still worried about calls. Don't give up, keep in contact, you may be a lifeline without realising it.

LesLee
Don’t give up on the Xmas day thing. Your local council should have the details of what’s going on in your area ( next year, of course) 😄

For anyone who know's someone who is lonely, it's important to know that being supportive involves getting the right balance; understanding and accepting how the other person is feeling but without getting too caught up in their situation and feeling solely responsible for easing their loneliness.
Think of interesting, relaxing and / or fun things you can do together. Offer to accompany the other person to appointments they may have.
Talk with the other person about what they want and need in terms social contact with others and what sort of social activities they might like to join in with.
Help them to research what activities - Meetup groups, classes and courses, and / or voluntary opportunities are available. Also, help find out what services, support and information is available.
Encourage the other person to commit to specific actions - one step at a time - so that they can help themselves and move forward. Once they’ve identified something to aim for, do be positive and encouraging.

Don't push them into situations that may be too much to handle. Let the person decide how much or how little they feel comfortable with, but always encourage them to move forward.
If they're resistant, find out what their concerns are. Acknowledge - don't dismiss - the challenges but remind them of their reason to connect with other people; what they’ll gain, how they’ll improve their situation.

Going to things alone - especially for the first time - is not easy. You, another friend or family member could go to something with them for the first time.
Reassure them that it can take time and effort to feel less lonely and that they shouldn’t be disheartened if things aren't moving at the pace they'd like it to.

Old people in the early stages of dementia can be very difficult to please. Everything you say and do to try and help seems to be wrong. It's not your fault. Please continue to try even although it seems you are making a bad situation worse. Of my elderly friends and family ,3 of them passed away within 3 months last year. I miss them all especially my elderly sister.

I too am quite reserved. I also have Aspergers and was married to a man who wasn’t really that outgoing. Now that he is gone, I feel lost.
I have some lovely friends and family but am very wary of being a burden to them.

Not everyone can put a brave face on (though I do). I think “acquaintances” would be totally shocked at just how sad and low I feel right now as I am very upbeat with them.

Anniebach, I think that’s rather a cruel stance in suggesting lonely people are boring and drone endlessly about their ill health. I have been encouraged by several friends to write as my life has been interesting and unusual but I made the mistake of marrying a man who was domineering, controlling and made me invisible. At my age, I have lost my motivation and oomph. If I EVER recover it… watch out world!

The people I see are in hospital. They are often quite ill or have recovered a bit and are waiting for a suitable discharge plan. It seems to me that some have spent their enforced time alone going over their lives and appreciate a listening ear for their various stories. I'm happy to do this and often hear fantastically interesting things. It's sad that I still have to wear a mask so it's hard to convey by facial expression how I'm receiving the information.
Others, clearly feel that their lives are coming to an end. Families are not necessarily comfortable talking about this but sometimes patients really want to talk about it. I often feel quite honoured to be receiving these confidences.
I think we have to be very flexible in out expectations. For me personally, I'm glad if someone I've got to know has gone home but I'm left wondering how they're getting on. Sadly sometimes they die on the ward. When you've got to know someone, had real heart to heart conversations it's a real shock and a sadness for me. Probably it's for the best for the people so I smile and move on to the next person but it does have an impact.
Sorry. Just reflecting on my voluntary role.

I was an only child too, and remember feeling very lost during the holidays. Now I'm on my own again, and make every effort to make new friends and join in activities that interest me. Since my husband died I have joined walking groups and lunch clubs, anything to get out and about rather than wallowing at home, but I know that some people do not find this easy.

Being alone most of the time is horrible! Recently lost my friend who lived next door for 13 years & have realised just how lonely I am! I have a disability that limits me with getting out. Going to clubs etc during the day means a long walk to the bus stop & then finding that although most of the people are my age, late 70’s, we do not like the same music, books etc so I end up stuck in a corner on my own as no one wants to discuss things that I consider relevant today. Most live in the past & the ladies only read ‘romance’ novels! The men discuss football but think I am ‘odd’ because I have followed Formula 1 most of my life! I have tried but guess most of it is that I just do not want to live in the past. I have concerns about the world we live in but find it difficult to sit for a couple of hours talking about what someone did in their 20’s & 30’s! I have lost the two friends this year that shared my interests & have found it difficult to find anyone my age with my interest! Guess this is what a lot of people mean by loneliness!

I think we offload to our friends, then laugh about other things and arrange things ect ect.., lonely people
Have no offload, they also have nothing else to talk about. It’s sad that there are so many lonely people, and Christmas is drummed into us, as only a big fun family get together. It’s about time a few adverts were of single
People and couples, having a nice relaxing Christmas Day, we are made to feel left out and isolated by advertising on tv. I am not alone and saw few family members, I do feel if alone, then people could join a church and celebrate what Christmas is actually about. There is always something we can do to enhance our lives and Christmases ect ..

I often think of my brother when I see posts like this. I believe he is a very lonely man. He lives alone and has cut himself off from all his family , having nothing to do with any of us. He contacted a solicitor and accused me of harassment when I tried to contact him so now I cannot write to him or even send him a card. He has blocked us all on social media, has no real friends to speak of only the odd work colleague that he converses with. Despite it all I still worry about him, he wasn't in good health the last time I saw him 3 years ago. Its just so sad.

U3a has changed my life. There are monthly meetings with a speaker, but making friends is best done by joining one or several groups which interest you. I belong to a u3a which has around 70 different groups: music, language learning, art appreciation, walking, etc. If none interest you, you can always start a group of your own: knitting, world events, whatever. A local u3a will usually have a website with contact details, and the best part from my point of view is that most meetings are in the daytime. It may take a bit of courage to go along at first, but most people are very friendly and a lot live alone so understand how you are feeling.

AuntieElinorscat please don't think Annniebach was being cruel. She wasn't. She was asking the question. Do you think lonely people are boring and only talk about their health? Annie has spent years alone and suffering ill health and grieving for her daughter. Annie isn't boring, nor does she drone on about her poor health. She is still herself, intelligent and capable. That's the point she tried to make. Her comment, unfortunately has been misunderstood. If you read this Annie, here's a warm hug from me. Good wishes for the coming year.

I have a friend from childhood…. who is /was slightly ‘educationally challenged’ …we called it ‘slow witted ‘ those days ….if you’re going to put me politically corrected as to the phrase used now …please don’t. Slow witted said if all then as it does now….sorry but I do ‘woke’ culture! Anyway, my point is ….you get/receive a phone call occasionally…. I get a phone call twice a DAY….. yes that right…. twice a DAY. I answer all of them! The reason being she has no sisters or brother left ….she didn’t marry….so no kids/grandkids….she alienated people continually by complaining to council/police about her neighbours ….folk avoid her like the plague! She has spent every Xmas alone since her mother died 25 years ago….she’s hypochondriac and moans continuously over her health ( better than mine!) her living conditions….her neighbours ( all against her) ….. nobody helping her to do little jobs( she reasonably well off !) in fact she is she is THE most obnoxious person I’ve ever known. But I realise she is alone and lonely and she’s had a totally pointless life ….all caused by her awful mum who wanted her as a nursemaid in her old age! She’s left this ‘child woman’ to the world and authorities to cope with!!
So….I listen…and listen ….and listen. When you try to tell her that 1)’ youve broken your leg ‘ she says oh yes I hurt my leg last week! When you say you’ve got Covid for second time and you’re feeling extremely unwell it’s “ oh yes I had a very bad cold last week and nobody to look after me. “ She’s still to ask me how my Covid is going on , or my broken leg!!! These moany people are reverted back to childhood and become totally egotistical and self concerned
But …she an old friend and I’m literally all she’s got to shout at ….so I let her shout. It costs me nothing only time …and I’ve plenty of that!

Amelegra hi. I can relate totally and I then do the self loathing that I'm being unreasonable. Of course we are not we are just human! (With respect if haven't yet worn the alone t shirt you cant know )
I find fir me if I sink into the lonely feelings and nostalgia of my parents Hogmannays and Christmas's I'm a lot worse but hard not to at times, Iv waded through Call the Midwife & Strike and texting kids cheerful texts so they havnt a clue how I feel just so I do t seem too quiet or miserable whilst feeling empty and lonely inside, for me I would hate to appear needy so I'm probably doing wrong thing but I get satisfaction helping others so next yr il seek out to be a friend......I took M&S Christmas work a few yrs ago anything but have brooding time whilst my siblings never invited me along on their walks & frothy coffees just made me feel like I'm odd one out and unlikeable 🥲. When my life 'changed' I didn't choose to be on my own but somehow it also alienated me. Life can be hard at times and know we each get different lessons
I keep doing gratitude it helps so much but yes, rising above it can be wearing xx

Ps
Yes u3a is great I joined ukelele so much choice and these little blips soon pass aye. I enjoy coffee times with a few ladies and it's not always fantastic at Christmas even when in a couple situation. If we keep remembering it & plan ourselves a 'be kind to ourselves dats'. whatever that is, cosy or pamper, We Can!!
Best wishes. I think deep down I was sooo happy bringing up my 3 that nothing could match.

Bottom line is to try understand that loneliness doesn't bring out the best in you and can knock on anyone's door at some point in time so nice to be sensitive. When someone harps on just be silent maybe rather than encourage it
To amalgra how about we plan a buffet butty anything , to get people bringing warmth into our homes and they it will feel great when they leave as well 😉 a few games if they like, I get them in charity shops generally
We can!!

And BIG apologies for over speaking !!!😀. Yes its a lonely sign for sure. 🙃