Do you ever look back ......

Do I look back ? Mabbe occasionally.
I tried to be very different to my mother who was ...hard on occasions. She was a stunning woman absolutely gorgeous and she ended up with this fat daughter.
However about my son. It was just him and I until my husband aka the wicked stepfather came on the scene . A few years back I was chatting about how hard life was prior to my husband coming and how poor we were at that time. Rent was half my money and I would buy bread and a spread for the weekend before payday. He was shocked to hear that we were actually considered poor. A couple of years when he was very young we had a charity assisted Xmas box.
I think if he felt life and home was secure then that is good.
PS the wicked stepfather spoils him and his family rotten

I did what I could for my firstborn with the limited parental skills formed from a chaotic, violent early childhood followed by Boarding School. Oh, if I knew then what I know now, I would have been a very different parent but that information wasn't out there.
I had big age gaps between my kids and so by the time I had the second child, I knew so much more and with the 3rd child, I was positively laid back.
Of course there are times when I self-flagellate but I did my best with the tools available to me.

As I've be ostracised since 2012 from my three adorable GK with on eperiod in 2015 when they desperately needed childminder duties from us (!) And my other DS partner ghosting me for reasons known only to herself(DS says he's as puzzled but daren't ask too much!?!) I've come to the stark conclusion that I was the worst mother on the planet and got literally everything WRONG WRONG WRONG! Sad but my truth..

I knew nothing about babies when I had my first one. don't think I'd even touched one! However I had successfully hand reared a pair of two week old kittens so I reckoned a human baby wouldn't be very different.

Over 40 years on my son and his son live with me and my daughter and her family live 10 minutes away. I looked after both her babies when she went back to work and they are a delight. I may not have been a great mother but I think I did all right. Or, to quote an old family friend "You don't seem to have done any worse than anyone else I know"!

JackyB, In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

I agree. Ruminating is, to me, a waste of time.

I never "look back" and worry, it's all to the best anyway, our daughters are who they are. All attributes inside them since birth.

I work with vulnerable families ...often on child protection plans....social workers are looking for 'good enough' parenting.....personally I don't think about it...mine have grown and flown....I raised them , mostly 'good enough' ...but never a perfect parent

CrazyH
I’m with you, I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve always had the very best of intentions.
Child number one came off worse, born to a sad and lonely nineteen year old with no idea how to raise a baby, the last one born in my thirties, had a much better mother, but they are all lovely decent people and I’m close with them all.
I think I’m a better grandparent really.

In the argument "nurture" vs "nature" I contend that it is all Nature. Anything you consciously do to "bring up" your children will have no effect on the way they turn out. We surely all know families where the children all had the same upbringing but have turned out completely different.

So don't worry about how you brought them up. They would have turned out that way anyway.

The only thing that puts them on the straight and narrow is the way you behave and basic values you live by while they are very young. Then, even if they go off the rails, they know where the rails are and can choose to get back on as and when they are ready.

I think my children would have lost as much as they gained, if not more, if I had tried to be a perfect mother

Every new mother vows to right all the 'mistakes' their parents made and in doing fails to see what mistakes they are making.

Looking back on my own parents, with whom I had a sometimes fraught relationship, with hindsight I can see that what they got right despite our differences was that we, children, always knew that whatever we did, whatever life did to us, no matter how heinous our crime, we could always go home and be welcomed in with love.

In that I tried to make sure that I, as a mother emulated them. No, I was not a perfect mother, but I did get what really mattered right.

Fleurpepper

Realise now that I was far too young (22, not young in today's terms)- went home on day 3 after emergency section (transversal breech), without any family or any help, and with OH working all hours, nights, days and week-ends. I had no idea what I was doing- but I did my best. Was it good enough? I will never know.

Same here Fluerpeppermy first child delivered by EMCS for transverse position.DH went back to work the day after we came home. Very little if any help from family but I managed.Same second time round.I was like a zombie but managed to care or both children.
Thought I met have been a terrible mother compared to all the perfect mothers today.

I was determined not to be like my mother and much more like my dad when bringing up my children. No help whatsoever from my mum who seemed to criticise every aspect of my life. My own two children remembered their childhood as being great and my son has done me the compliment of trying to bring his five children up the same way. I was a divorced single mum with one child being disabled, we were poor and struggled but happy living in a rural position where the children had freedom to play outside in the fields. My nieces use to come and stay and I still remain their favourite aunty. But I often think back and wish I could have changed some of the things I did but that is life.

Looking back I did the very best I could at the time, given the person I was then - very young and with no family nearby. I think I was a good enough mum, have I any regrets? Yes of course I do but all 5 have grown into lovely adults who juggle very responsible jobs with raising their own youngsters. They ask my advice from time to time and sometimes they even take it!!

I did what I could as well as I could. My parents valued education and doing your best at whatever you do. I passed that on to the children, who in turn are passing it on to our GC.
The children and grandchildren come to visit or to stay for holidays or invite us to go away with them, so we must have got something right.

When we watch our children's parenting we often think I wish we had done that BUT sometimes I think no,no,no.

Well, both of mine have turned out ok, so I must have done something right. Again, I was far from perfect (but then, who is?) but I vowed I'd be a very different mother from my own, and I sincerely hope I was. At least my children knew they were loved unconditionally (and still are) - even if, at times, I might not like some of the things they did or the choices they made. I'm very proud of the adults they have become.

I have those same wondering thoughts then remind myself it was a different time and within the parameters of the time we were good enough parents. Our two are good, kind, hardworking people. They have their ups and downs as everyone does, the important thing is they cope admirably with life’s challenges and are happy to involve us in their lives. That’ll do.

Well....... going by the result, I must have done something right.

Don't we all do the best that we can at the time? We have 3 children, all have grown into fine parents. Probably better than we were, I don't know. They mention times I have forgotten, some good, some not so, but I like to think that they love us as we love them.

Fleurpepper

Realise now that I was far too young (22, not young in today's terms)- went home on day 3 after emergency section (transversal breech), without any family or any help, and with OH working all hours, nights, days and week-ends. I had no idea what I was doing- but I did my best. Was it good enough? I will never know.

I was probably too young (17). My husband worked long hours, 2-3 jobs, nights, weekends. No outside help.

I did my best, I'll never know if it was enough, but seems so.

We've no regrets.

If I could go back and start again from scratch, there are definitely things that I would do differently as a parent.

Sometimes, awake in the middle of the night, I do beat myself about it.
However, as both dc seem to recall mainly "fantastic" aspects of their childhood, rather than bad or questionable ones, I must have got something right. Even more important perhaps is that both of my dils trust me with their children. One has even said outright that she has 100% trust in me to look after them properly.

Being a grandparent was a steep learning curve. Childcare at a very level has changed so much since my sons were small. I've gone with it and think that I am a far better grandparent than I was a parent, but try to tell myself that by the standards of the day, I was a decent parent.

Oh gosh PaddyAnne, me too! My adult children plus partners have been home for an extended Christmas which has been lovely, but they do tell me everything. It is great to be trusted, but sometimes as I lie awake at 2am turning things over and over in my mind, I think I would be better off not knowing. I too always had open house for anyone too inebriated/afraid of parental response to go home. While churning things through my head in the early hours, I pick at 'the scabs' of the times I shouted at them, the times I got exasperated with my late Mother.....even the times I have got cross with the dog,

It is strange that mine always talk fondly of some of the things they did as children (some of which I can't remember!) and they are themselves good moth4ers - better than I was!

I wonder why only the failures leap into my mind - could it be this miserable weather making it hard to think positively?

I’m sure I was/ am far from perfect but I do my best.
3 DDs who have grown into decent , hardworking, loving adults who seem happy to spend time with me. They often speak fondly of their childhood memories, so I must have done something right.

I've always been patient so even things friends thought were awful ,I didn't get overheated about .Like DD needing picked up drunk at 12,I held her hair while she was sick and let her know that we all make mistakes .I'd like to say she didn't drink again but she did though. never came home drunk unlike her brother .My neighbour boasted HIS son would never do that ,his son used to climb in my sons downstairs bedroom window to avoid going home drunk .

At least mine knew they were better home safe .The biggest issue I had was because I'm a natural worrier and they told me everything....a lot I'd rather not have known or maybe not .
They are both terrific people ,great parents of 5 amazing GC and we see all of them regularly .
They are happy and in my book thats more important than high flying careers or pots of money .So my job is done.I'll let them decide if I did the job well or not

I’m still loved and appreciated by all my adult children, so hopefully I was a good parent, but I think we all look back at some point and think maybe I should have done this or that, nobody is perfect!