Passive aggression

OH YES FOR SURE - AS IF WORK COLLEAGUES ARE AWARE OF A person's HEALTH issue OR any MENTAL HEALTH ONES, THEN I MAYBE THINK H.R. SHOULD MAKE THEM AWARE AND THEN IT WOULD LEAD TO A BETTER WORK RELATIONSHIP ON BOTH SIDES WITH MORE CONSIDERATION AND TIME GIVEN TO TASKS IN HAND.

Non Spagetti - ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON WITH YOUR WORDS FROM THE DICTIONARY. for I no longer work myself anymore, as in the workplace it's sometimes a case of "CANT BE BOTHERED ATTITUDE" FOR THE MANY, BUT I HAVE HAD THIS ISSUE MYSELF IN MY OWN PERSONAL LIFE WITH MY OWN HUSBAND WHO SADLY NO LONGER LIVES WITH ME. WHICH I THOUGHT WAS HIS AGGRESSION AS HE COULD BE THAT ON OCCASIONS, THEN THOUGHT IS IT HIM JUST BEING UNKIND OR INCONSIDERATE BUT AFTER READING THIS THREAD WHICH KKNOW IS A WORK-PLACE RELATED TOPIC I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THIS HIS PROBLEM/ILLNESS AS HIM BEING SLIGHTLY OLDER THAN ME THEN MOST PEOPLE OF A CERTAIN AGE TEND BE ONLY FOR THEMSELVES AND NOT being consierate of others. OR IS IT JUST THAT OF THE PERSON'S RUDENESS - WHO KNOW.

Being passive aggressive can also be closely linked to gaslighting. For example someone knowingly appearing helpful whilst trying to distort your memory of an event or instruction. For example - oh dear you can’t remember [a] how it was because you are too busy, whereas I can remember [b] quite clearly. Even when [b] is a complete fabrication.

Also do need to be careful with dysfunctional employees especially if they have a medical condition which could attribute to their lack of ability to complete the task. Would suggest a performance management plan as the first step with very documented plans to improve performance and regular reviews, keeping as much in writing as possible to avoid things being misconstrued.

Oreo

😂I’m assertive but sometimes have burned the ironing and chipped plates and mugs, but that’s cos I’m also clumsy.

😂

Yes, it has to be done intentionally to qualify as passive aggressive.

Correction. I seem to be all thumbs today-...the polite way to turn down unwanted friendship IS the same way you'd turn down anything else you're offered that you don't want...

Sorry this got so long. I think the co-worker not pulling her own weight is the observable thing here. But you'd have to get inside her mind to know if she's being passive-aggressive or not because there could be other reasons for her not pulling her own weight. For ex. maybe she's not able to do her job well because of some kind of infirmity or maybe she's just lazy or maybe she's indifferent.

This is a whole different situation but a new-ish friend once told me I was "passive-aggressive." I was actually following a thought out plan to get rid of her because I found her exhausting and I chose not to discuss it with her. (She was the type who I expected would just twist everything I said and talk about me behind my back anyway). So I distanced myself from her, not returning calls and turning down offers to meet. I was waiting for her to just move on.

Like Miss Manners says, the polite way to turn down unwanted friendship in the same way you'd turn down anything else you're offered that you don't want, simply, politely, repeatedly, decline.

Well, we did have some kind of connection at that point so I guess it wasn't exactly like Miss Manners said lol.

But to me, in that situation, it came down to her thinking I owed her an explanation and that it was dysfunctional on my part "passive-aggressive" not to give it to her. And me not thinking I owed her an explanation and wanting to get away from her, not in deeper with her in any way.

So... I guess what constitutes "passive-aggressive" is also somewhat in the eye of the beholder?

Oh Baggs I have to carry people at work too. One was ill so I made allowances, the other was taking the proverbial. I reported to my boss who said he’d already told me I had an attitude so after that I just exposed their poor work ethic by letting them try and chase their own slack

I suspect that is passive aggressive too and I imagine I’ll get flamed for this post but it had gone on for months.

It’s poor management really, isn’t it?

Classic case of passive aggression, Prince Harry. He says how much he wants to reconile with his family, followed almost immediately by putting more information out aimed to show his family in a bad light.

Passive aggression can go two ways

1. It's personal and about you.

Some people are passive aggressive because they want to send you a message and hurt you or sabotage something they didn't want to do while appearing mostly innocent.

2. It's not personal to you it's about them.

Some people are passive aggressive because they feel angry or hurt by your behaviour but either feel they are wrong to be angry and hurt or are trying to say something kindly but their emotions are coming across to you anyway.

1 is the province of an abusive person who is mentally ill in their own way.

2 is the province of the victim, a person used to being bullied, doubting themselves and not assertive enough to stand up for their own needs. Again mental health being an issue.

So it comes from two very different directions and analysing why someone behaves that way will help you communicate more effectively in future

Passive aggressive people are usually always on the defensive. In the case I described above the man imvolved, rather than admit he didn't understand what he was meant to do, would blame someone else, including me, as being the reason he couldn't meet deadlines, or that he hadn't received the material on time, anything that enabed him to justify not completingthe work on time, rather than admit that he actually did not understand what he was meant to do or couldn't do it.

😂I’m assertive but sometimes have burned the ironing and chipped plates and mugs, but that’s cos I’m also clumsy.

Here’s a great summary of passive aggression from Muttley. No words needed.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8Au0VLo1jI

I think that the behaviour you describe can be passive aggressive. PA behaviour is behaviour that makes a point or lets the person have their way without having the courage to say what they mean or want to do.

I had a colleague who claimed to dislike conflict, so never said no to anything. Nobody could call her to account, as she always appeared to be willing to do what was asked of her. The trouble was, she never did anything she didn't want to do. She would be 'ill', or the train wouldn't turn up on time so she was late, and when she arrived the 'thing' was over. Sometimes she would make a start, then leave it for someone else to pick up.

Not doing whatever it was, and forcing others to do it for her was the aggressive bit, but rather than be assertive and say that she was too busy, or be honest and say that she couldn't be bothered, she was passive about it and opted out. It's the same with people who burn the ironing or chip plates if they have to wash up . An assertive person would say no and explain why, but a passive aggressive one will make a mess of it so they get their way by not doing it, or not doing it well.

Baggs yes! There’s always a few incompetent people in a workforce, ditto a few lazy ones.

Sago

My mother was very passive aggressive, it is a trait of all good narcissists.
It really does exist.

Yes it does exist but the phrase is slung about willynilly just as the word toxic is.Often wrongly applied.

People who are doing work beyond their capacity will use passive aggression to hide their inabilty to do their work.

Interesting. This might explain the problem. I don't think the person is deliberately being incompetent or PA, they just are incompetent. Oddly, that works as a kind of savng grace and maybe we do just have to carry her.

Thank you all for the responses. They have helped shine light where it needed to be shone.

People who are doing work beyond their capacity will use passive aggression to hide their inabilty to do their work.

In my last job I helped, both management and the staff member involved, to sort a problem when the SM was about to be sacked after his third disciplinary.

Having a desk close to his, I had helped him with some work and realised the problem was his inability to undertake the tasks involved not laziness, I then discussed it with his manager.

The company was undergoing a major reconstruction with lots of redundancies at the time, so instead of being sacked, he was instead offered voluntary redundancy with a hefty redundancy sum. He was able to leave knowing in principle he could approach the company for the usual 'say nothing reference if he needed it for his next job.

In the work environment passive aggression is frequently the defence used by people not feeling secure in their intellectual grasp of their work. Not unlike impostor syndrome, but in this case they really do not know or are not capable of doing their job.

Sago

My mother was very passive aggressive, it is a trait of all good narcissists.
It really does exist.

My mother could practise it well when there was no one to witness except me on the receiving end. Charm the birds out of the trees with others.

NotSpaghetti

This quote (above) is at the top of this article (link below), Baggs
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481

Terrific link NotSpaghetti. Its link to "attributional style" I found interesting as well.

Thanks for the link, NS. This kind of description of what counts as PA behaviour is what I find confusing: "You ask them to do something and they tell you they will, but they drag their feet, never wind up doing it".

Person is supposed to do something as part of their job and knows this is expected of them (they've therefore been asked to do it in a sense) but doesn't do it <--- looks very similar.

I think it exists too. I’ve had what I would describe as passive aggressive remarks made to me sometimes.

My mother was very passive aggressive, it is a trait of all good narcissists.
It really does exist.

People aren't passive aggressive all the time though. It's just a reaction to an action. It can certainly exist. My friend has it down to a fine art when things don't go her way.

Wouldn't use it about a lazy colleague though.

Baggs

I'm not really au fait with what counts as passive aggressive behaviour. Does not doing a job properly that you're supposed to do pretty much every day at work count?

I spoke to a clinical psychologist once about passive aggression and she said it did not exist per se. People were on a spectrum from very passive to very aggressive.

This quote (above) is at the top of this article (link below), Baggs
www.verywellmind.com/what-is-passive-aggressive-behavior-2795481