Difficult conversation

Would you or they move house to be near to each other? Family is everything.
Don't push on any longer with something that is too hard for you. Stop soon. But a house move by one or other or them driving the children to you and dropping them off for a couple of days at a time might work better all round.

A good friend did something similar. A long distance but she took bus/train on a Tuesday to cover Wednesday childcare and travelled back on a Thursday so three days out of her week, every week. A lovely woman and a marvellous mother but after a couple of years she did say she resented it as her 'free time' was so short and the anticipation of the next trip got to her. Very sadly she died suddenly overnight when visiting another set of grandchildren and was only in her 60's. I would understand the occasional demand but not weekly.

You shouldn’t feel guilty - I do hope they will accept it without any acrimony.

I/we used to do one day a week with the first Gdc - 60 miles away so it meant an overnight stay - but after the 2nd arrived only 15 months later, and dd’s maternity leave was over, I was already not far off 70 and knew 2 very little ones would just be too much.
Thank goodness there was no fuss or bad feeling.
We did help with childcare costs instead - I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.

Your situation exactly echoes mine about 12 years ago when I was mid 60s. I too travelled for 90 minutes including driving on the M6 to look after my twin grandchildren then aged 3 and just starting nursery school. I also cooked meals for them and my daughter and partner on both days. Fortunately before starting to do this
(necessitated by the twins Nanny leaving) I had negotiated with DD only doing it for one year. I would be honest and explain it is too much for you as I know how tiring it can be. Good luck.

As a previous post has said, maybe drive only in daylight so go back Wednesday morning. However, it is a lot of wear and tear on your car as well as the cost of petrol. If you can save money on your heating and food bill when away from home it may make more sense, but if driving is getting tiring I would mention this. Better to be safe. I won’t drive at night any more as it’s too strenuous for eyesight.

90 miles to their home and then back! Unless you have an electric vehicle that is a fair cost in fuel never mind time. Surely there must be a way for eg nursery to be engaged. If funds are low there are benefits to be accessed for care. Hopefully your family will understand your decision. You've done well toward them undertaking the childminding, no need to feel guilty though suppose you will miss your time with the GC.

You are not mean and selfish. You are generous and giving - think of the money you have saved them so far, and the journeys, and the inconvenmience - and they don't even offer to fetch you or to drive you home. You do not owe babysitting to your daughter - she should understand this.

I am planning to move nearer my DS and his family to be able to see them more. I've already said I won't offer regular childcare but want to be able to help with emergencies and babysitting etc. As I'm fast approaching my seventies I don't have the energy for regular childcare although in future school pick-ups could be an option - GS is only 2 at present and another GC is due in the spring.
I hope your DD understands your situation. You have done your bit for long enough. I have many friends with local GC who do much to support their GC while still working themselves and though I wish I had the contact they have I don't have the stamina for the hours they put in. But living at a distance is hard! Retirement has made it possible to consider moving nearer, and there will be financial advantages too, but I'm sure it's not an option for many.

I was a single parent - never relied on my mother for childcare. My son and partner have two children under 5 and they don't rely on grandparents for childcare either. Your child, your responsibility!! Grandmothers are people not martyrs! Not helpful I know, but it's your time to enjoy and engage with your grandchildren not take over the responsibility for them. Your daughter will understand - just tell her!

I think it would be too much for anyone, whatever age. You have done really well up to now and if you honestly explain how you are feeling I am sure your daughter will understand. Perhaps another solution can be found re the travelling?

I wouldn't , couldn't do it!

Hithere

180×4×12=8640 miles a day

Numbers speak for themselves

You need to get the 5 year old to check your figures, Hithere.

Even so, 90 miles each way must be costing around £30 per round trip depending on what fuel you use. Even if you're in an electric car it's getting more and more expensive to recharge although you could do that at your daughter's house with a mains charger just like we have to allow when our youngest daughter brings her family to see us from 60 miles away.

Gransnet and Mumsnet is filled with threads where posters have got themselves into a situation - often providing for support/childcare etc for a relative/neighbour over a period.

I once got myself into this kind of a situation providing support for an elderly neighbour at a time when my own health and mobility was worsening. In my case an adult son moved in with the neighbour so I gradually made myself less and less "available" by various means.

You reach a stage when things have crept up on you physically and psychologically and feel guilty about withdrawing the service you have been providing. In psychological terms it is often easier to continue down a road you have chosen than to step back and choose another route.

However there comes a time in life when other things begin to intervene and you have to discontinue or adapt. You should never feel guilty about stepping back. The most difficult thing about this course of action is often the conversation you must have with the recipient of your support.

SarahMob

It's not clear to me whether it's the driving per se which is too much meaning that you would be significantly reducing the number of times you see your daughter's family, or whether it's the amount of time between the driving journeys. If it's the latter I wonder whether you can't try doing the outward journey as usual early on Monday morning but extend the stay so that you sleep there on Tuesday evening and come back home fresh after a night's sleep on Wednesday morning. That might be a way forward providing you don't have other things going on on Wednesdays. And if you were to start doing this now, you could probably finish the school year and give your daughter enough time to find a replacement for you. Alternatively, you might find you like the arrangement and be able to stay in your grandchildren's lives a bit longer.

I think you have gone above and beyond and I'm sure she has appreciated it but will understand, if not she should do,

Sarahmob, I would never have volunteered to do it all in the first place! Your daughter has been very fortunate to receive all that childcare. All you need to say is that you're finding the journey too difficult now. Of course she will understand.

Conversation has been had and problem solved. I will be bowing out in March as Nursery has space from that point on. It was a conversation of love with gratitude expressed for all that I have done over the years. It was a service that I offered when my first DGS was on the way, and I have until very recently been pleased to fulfill, but I will be glad to retire to occasional babysitting and school holiday cover now.

You have done so well. I would stop in the spring. Don't feel guilty. Let the parents arrange themselves. Start a hobby to keep yourself busy. In case you miss them!

I’m really pleased that this is resolved.
😀

I do something similar every week. I go there early Tuesday morning and go home after the school run on Friday morning. Could you not just sleep over an extra night, and drive home next morning ?

I think the OP has now resolved her problem.

90 miles and 90 miles back !!! You have done an amazing job. However it is now time to tell your daughter it is too much for you. I think adult children often forget we are ageing, we are still capable Mum in their eyes. I am sure she will understand and if she does'nt then stand your ground. I wouldn't be able to do it ! Good luck. Keep us posted on your dilemma.

This is a big commitment, don’t know how you’ve done it every week until now. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve already helped enormously, she’s lucky to have you.

Orly

I disagree to multiply that number by 5 (sunk cost fallacy)

Op cannot undo those 5 years, can only decide how to move forward

I think our children don't see and indeed perhaps don't want to acknowledge that we are getting older and still think of us as the helpers that we have been for most of their lives.

It is difficult for us often to accept our limitations as well, because ,of course, we would still like to offer the same level of help and spend precious time with out grandchildren.

But our body begins to let us know what we can manage. I think more than feeling guilty, I have felt sad that I can't do all that I would like, to be of help. I have learned to accept my limitations and ultimately that serves us all.