Are you a “people pleaser” ?

granMattie you are a very kind person , don’t put yourself down

How I sympathise Blondiescot. My husband says 'You'd apologise if your granny had piles'. I made an effort a couple of years back to be a bit less compliant. My daughter said 'Why are you being stroppy?'. Oh well back to being a mouse 🐁

Yes! And I hate this about myself! It has caused me so much misery especially as I cannot say no to any friend or family member no matter how unreasonable or inconvenient the demand/request!
I was bought up to be accommodating and overly polite and told that it was selfish to think of ones self and while I know logically that this is nonsense I cant apply that in a practical way. In many ways it has ruined my life! I would love to be better at boundaries of time/resources/energy but I seem to be incapable.
I grew up with an extremely critical mother and was an only child, so the burden to be flawless was heavy on me (I failed miserably to achieve it too) and it is to this I attribute my failings with boundary and self care.
Ironically my 3 DD are self possessed confident and independent young women so at least thats not been handed on

Kate1949

Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

Me too. I've spent my entire life being a 'people pleaser', even though I hate myself for being that way. In my mind, I can tell myself, 'stuff it, who cares what anyone else thinks', but when push comes to shove, I go along with what everyone else wants.

A problem with trying to please everybody is that you can end up saying different things to different people and end up offending one of them.

Are not

I was

When I realized others' happiness is not in my hands (despite my efforts to facilitate it), a switch flipped and I put my wellbeing first - without harming others, of course

People ate going to talk about you anyway - no matter what you do

Not sure if I am a constant people pleaser. I do not like conflict and do try to avoid it wherever possible.

When I turned sixty I made a little vow to myself to say no when I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere which I have kept to 95% of the time.

I am absolutely useless at saying no to looking after the GC I reconcile this with the fact that they will not be little and need me in a few years time.

Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

I'm definitely a people pleaser. My mantra is 'I don't mind'. If I am meeting people for lunch for instance and am asked where I would like to go I say 'I don't mind' even if I do. I've shared a bottle of wine that tastes like vinegar a few times with a friend because it's her favourite. My DH is the same but not to such a great extent. We have ended up in uncomfortable situations such as evenings out with other people who we are not that keen on, in places of their choice because we don't like to say no. How b****y ridiculous. In my case it's because I don't feel remotely as good as other people. I don't know what it is with DH as his self esteem is OK. He's just too nice I suppose.

I was always an£ still am a people pleaser. My parents, my late husband and now my DD. I hate conflict, so it’s easier to do what I’m told! Don’t like myself much, but am too weak.

Yes I had a good childhood with loving parents and grandparents but I was definitely brought up to think of others and others opinions and I also believe that is part of my personality anyway
I will put myself down rather than someone else I apologise for things I haven’t done or meant to do, bloody hell I always say sorry to a blooming ant if I stand on it 😂

But I can be assertive too I m not a walk over by any means

Oh yes, at home and reinforced at school.
It's caused real problems for me and it took me years to learn to say 'no' to the simplest things.
At first I'd make up reasons for NOT doing things such as attending an event, or giving someone a lift when it was inconvenient, and I'd make up lies as to why I couldn't oblige. This became unsustainable because my memory has always been poor.
Now I just say no, but the guilt is still with me.
Today's girls have more self confidence.
And good for them.

It's not that I don't care it's more that all that, 'what would people think,' stuff just doesn't register.

I'm not sure that these are really gender-specific characteristics tho maybe more feminine, esp in adulthood - i.e is it really upbringing or personality?

Oh I forgot to add that yes I was a “pleaser” until very recently, now I am able to not care (not unkindly) but certainly able to say no now.

Nope. Definitely not. I was brought up to be independent minded and to think things through before deciding what to do.

Funnily enough I was thinking about this a couple of days ago. I did not have a happy childhood and as a result the constant undermining of me resulted in zero confidence about myself. I can for example remember a period of when travelling o a bus at night completely avoiding sitting behind the driver and the black pull down blind which reflected my face for other travellers to see. There are lots of other examples - which I won’t drag up but being told “what would the neighbours think” of my dress, behaviour etc was large in my life.

I am however happy to report that it suddenly occurred to me that at nearly 80 I honestly don’t give a toss now what others think, and my self confidence is as high as it’s ever been.

One major battle was my desire to go on to higher education, but being told by my father that my place would be at home looking after my husband - should anyone be daft enough to have me - but I am pleased to report that my eventual husband funded my first degree and I achieved my hearts desire😄

Yes definitely. I wish I wasn't. I want people to like me even if I don't like them!

Yes. Particularly my family.

Yes I was and I put my needs last so many times

I always worried about what people thought of me

Now I only worry what people think of me if I like them