Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

My husband had a stroke at 50…couldn’t work… so I went full time. I looked after him as well as work …house…grandkids.. at 65 dementia set in , and I still coped although by then part time at work. Then 4 years ago Alzheimer’s hit him and again he stayed with me at home. This covers a time span of 27 years….out of a group of 4 or 5 regular freinds wed had for 25 years , they all dropped off o E after the other within 3 years…. they all lived within 500 yards of our house …. The only freinds that stayed true ..one couple are still our best freinds …they visited at least once a week and offered help if needed. The others would stop me in street to inquire how thier friend was!!!!
I eventually told them to shove their concern where the sun don’t shine!!!
I do t even acknowledge them when I pass them in street. Your freinds aren’t real…they’re imposters ! Don’t bother with them.

This is becoming an increasingly big problem everywhere it seems.

It might help, Judy, if you see these friends on your own and explain once and for all that your husband's health problems are more serious than they apparently realise. That their advice is no doubt kindly meant, but in no way applicable.

I would be blunt and say right out that I felt they no longer had time for you now you are no longer as fit as they are. That you are sadly disappointed in their lack of understanding, but if they find your new situation hard to deal with, you can assure them that so do your husband and you.

If they cannot find some understanding and empathy, then I am afraid, I think you would be better off not seeing them than having to listen to their views.

It seems that a vast number of people have no idea how to show consideration for those facing hard times, and when we are in the midst of the hard times we certainly do not have the energy to try to teach them consideration!

I heard recently of more than one recently widowed woman whose friends crossed the street to avoid having to speak to her.

The complete opposite of what the rest of us were brought up to do, but sadly common these days.

Marydoll do you know about the invisible illness lanyard? They are increasingly worn around because not all illness or disability is obvious. The cost a couple of pounds, and may help you feel better

At 85 I have learned what the word friend means and those who don’t have no place in my life. Better to spend a little more time alone than with those who don’t share your values.

When my husband passed, his family of origin caused chaos. Contact is very minimal now and only with 2 of our neices and 1 BiL and SiL.

Recently I have had a mental health breakdown. I have Complex PTSD. It was a serious one. I certainly found out who my friends were when this happened. Fortunately only one turned her back. That was hard enough. Realising you have been taken in for many years by someone is extremely hurtful.

You never know who is there for you until you have a crisis. My sister moved recently and asked if any of her FB friends could help as she's on her own and disabled. Just wanted a hand with packing/unpacking boxes not the actual move. One friend offered out of 630 on her friends and family contacts.
I would just rely on my DS and DD as I know they would be there for me.

What a lot of sad stories. Maw you have lovely friends and that brought a tear to my eye.
When I was diagnosed with cancer most of my friends were very supportive except one who kept telling me of all the friends she had who had died of cancer! Needless to say I dropped her.

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!

I'm sorry you're going through this Judy. People can be very insensitive. For some reason, some people think that illness is what happens to other people and they don't want to be around it.
When my young nephew contracted leukemia and subsequently died, the family were there day and night for my brother and sister-in-law. Except for my older sister who couldn't visit him as 'it would upset her'. Never mind that he had gone through untold horrors.

When my son was very ill many friends were super supportive all except one who never even contacted me. My son didn’t get better and died on Dec 17th of the year he was diagnosed with Leukaemia.

The friend phoned me up soon after and asked me would I like to go to her New Year’s party. As I felt at the time I had no future I hope it took her a while to get over the roasting I gave her on the phone, the last sentence being never contact me again!

Sad to say Ihave also experienced this.
My H developed Alzheimer’s and very soon friends of very long standing started drifting and then dropped off altogether.
Never visited him or even asked how he was.
It was fine when we all socialised, weekends away, entertained them for meals but when that became impossible, dropped like hot potatoes.
I now use them when it suits me which isn’t very often.
One Husband I haven’t seen since he came to see me with his wife 3 days after my H died.
Previously they played golf together, squash every week and had a night a week in the pub.
I may forgive but I will never forget.

I've experienced the same, though not through illness but my husband's job redundancy.
Dropped like a hot brick by certain "best friends." A nasty life lesson to learn.

The only conclusion I can come to is that some shallow people think the "bad things" in life are catching.
Unfortunately I'd say don't waste your energy worrying about their reaction to your situation. Concentrate on what your needs are now.
New and better friends will come along in time, often from unexpected sources.

People can change overnight for reasons unknown to us. An American friend I had changed from day to night. She was bubbly and joyous but as she aged she became totally self absorbed. Another friend became deeply religious to the point that she judged everyone and the third, on realising she was aging turned from day to night and became really quite unpleasant. I did go and see a counsellor and they told me that friend come and go with the years, we are lucky to have one or two real friends but more often they are there for a season and then gone. She told me to plant and water my own garden so that my own interests and life brought me joy rather than look to other people for support. Easier said than done but it does make sense. If you have a couple of good life long friends you are very lucky.

I’ve experienced this recently. My job is in a caring roll and a few people lent on me heavily with their needs. Where are they now. I needed shoulders a couple of weeks ago.

I’ve decided to keep the three that stuck around but make some new acquaintances. Onwards and upwards

As I have said, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Do friends abandon us, because they think we may expect them to support us and make demands on their time, when they are busy with their own lives?

A close friend and I have known each other for over forty years, yet now when I arrange for us to meet up or ask her round for a visit, she find excuses at the last minute.
It certainly knocks your confidence and I am beginning to believe the fault may be actually mine, not hers.

When you are seriously unwell, you feel vulnerable, frightened and need friendship even more.
I would love to know the answer.

In my case, a very good friend of mine lost her husband last year - I visited her several times and rang her a couple of times a week, to the point where I felt I was intruding. I ended the last conversation, saying that if she needed me, she only had to call. From seeing her and her husband almost every week, she has just dropped me like a hot brick. And I don’t know why. She has a very supportive family and good neighbours. In know she’s ok . but …..

I completely agree with chardy's post. They are people with whom you will have a lot in common. Mutual practical and emotional support is invaluable.

Kim19

People who desert you in your time of need are not friends. Sad but true. Happily I have observed this but not experienced it.

I can vouch for that. I had a friend for several years, supported her through her cancer treatment (went with her to all the treatments), drove every time we went to our exercise classes (3 times weekly) and every Saturday, when we went out for the evening. She stopped contacting me when I became ill, and it's been 17 months since I saw her. People like that aren't true friends.

Sadly a friend I had taken care of for many years during her own illness, completely abandoned me during the final days of my lovely mum dying from cancer. Apparently it was "too triggering" for her MH to speak about how hard I was finding the situation. Safe to say she is no longer a friend, she didn't contact me once not even after mum died.

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

Well that was a 'friend' you were well rid of. Actually, I think you should feel sorry for her / him... it's not a normal reaction, so they must have something wrong with them.

To Judy54 and all those on here who're facing the loss of friends through illness.

It is inevitable. Some people just cannot cope with other people's ill health. For whatever reason(s). Try not to dwell on it. There are, and always will be, those that care - even for strangers. The world has not lost its compassion.

I joined an online group related to my partner's disease. And I met so many kind and helpful people in the group - those that without prompting, ask how you are if you don't communicate for a couple of days, offer advice and suggestions, and a few virtual hugs.

It's a lonely world when you or your partner are ill. But you're not alone. And there are many kind people on here.

Some people do find it difficult to cope with illness in friends or relatives and want to find a solution. Have you actually had a frank conversation with them Judy and explained things ?

They really were good friends Maw

My aunt told me that my dad looked too well to have cancer. He died from it. She's a grade A bitch too. Grandmattie.

People who desert you in your time of need are not friends. Sad but true. Happily I have observed this but not experienced it.

This may not be helpful, but my experience was the opposite.
Those who knew the extent of Paws illness and limitations were more that conscientious and considerate .
They stepped up whenever he was rushed into hospital or every time they saw the ambulance in the drive and on one memorable occasion (which I might rather have forgotten) my neighbour (and best friend) and her husband came entirely unbidden and cleaned up after I had found Paw unconscious on the bedroom floor as he had tried to get to the loo on his own. I wanted to go with him in the ambulance but if I had left the carpet as it was for the rest of the day or however long we would have been in A&E, would never have got it clean again. They just appeared at the door with the marigolds, bucket, scrubbing brush and carpet cleaner!
Friends in need, friends in deed!