Do you offer help or give it?

I offer help, and if/when I see they are struggling and not asking I insist a bit. Sometimes people are embarrassed to ask, for any help. especially when they have been very independant untill now. I then say that I understand how they feel, I am the same, but would they please let me help out in this specific situation so they can be on their feet again as soon as possible. It helps if the offer can be very specific. I was the chemo-radiationtherapy driver for my best friend, that meant a lot for her as her husband was emotionally not capable of coping with that on top of all the rest. He had enough on his plate with the house, the shopping and cooking ánd his job. Together we did great, and I didn't have to burst in on their privacy!

I am an offerer. I see it as an investment. It means I will not feel too bad should I have, in the future, to accept help myself.

I will have paid my debt in advance.

I do both, but as yet am reluctant to receive help!

Depends on the circumstances, on relationships, and on cultural norms. Both offering and giving can be appropriate... You can't generalise, as each case is individual.

I offer, stand back waiting the person to accept or not - their choice.

HousePlantQueen

Interesting thread. My late DM was never shy about asking neighbours for help with her bins or for a lift to the pharmacy etc., At her funeral, I 'apologised' to said neighbours for these requests and all of them said they were happy that DM asked, it saved them wondering if she needed help, or worrying about offending her by asking if she needed anything. They knew that if she didn't ask it was because she didn't need help, not because she was being independent or afraid/embarrassed to ask.

If any of my adult daughters apologised for me at my funeral I would not be happy. How dare you. Seriously. If you feel the need to apologise for her asking neighbours for help- perhaps an apology to them for your own failure to help your mother, so that they had to step in to help her instead, would have been more appropriate. Unbelievable.

GrammyGrammy

HousePlantQueen

Interesting thread. My late DM was never shy about asking neighbours for help with her bins or for a lift to the pharmacy etc., At her funeral, I 'apologised' to said neighbours for these requests and all of them said they were happy that DM asked, it saved them wondering if she needed help, or worrying about offending her by asking if she needed anything. They knew that if she didn't ask it was because she didn't need help, not because she was being independent or afraid/embarrassed to ask.

If any of my adult daughters apologised for me at my funeral I would not be happy. How dare you. Seriously. If you feel the need to apologise for her asking neighbours for help- perhaps an apology to them for your own failure to help your mother, so that they had to step in to help her instead, would have been more appropriate. Unbelievable.

How unbelievably rude are you!! Wind your interfering judgemental neck in, you know nothing of how much time I spent with my later Mother, or of the great relationship we both had with her neighbours. I am however, eternally thankful that you were not one of her neighbours.

Another of your very harsh posts Grammygrammy
Not in the spirit of GN.

Unbelievably harsh fwiw HPQ, we live away from my husband's elderly parents and we have a limit on any type of care to even putting the bins out. They have lovely neighbours who help out but it's not ideal, so I understand how you feel.

So to get back to the spirit of the OP...........
I think it's important to think about how help is offered. How many times do we say to someone "Let me know if there's anything I can do" ? Its very difficult for most of us to reply "Oh thanks, can you just do that basket of ironing / fetch me some shopping / clean out the cat's litter" Often people don't really know exactly what they need and are fearful of getting it wrong and causing offence.
Much better to be specific: "I'm off to the shop later, can I pick anything up for you?"

When the Bodach died there were a lot of people saying ‘ You know where we are’, but I would never have dreamt of asking them for help. I’m also swiert to ask my family for help, as I can manage by myself most of the time.
I think that what someone else suggested is, to me, the best way, to make a specific offer,say ‘ I’m going shopping, can I get you anything?’ or, ‘ I’ve made a load of food, can you use some?’

My mother died a few days before my youngest was born. A neighbour shouted across the local shopping precinct asking if she could help in any way. A few days later I rang and asked her if she could pick up my daughter from the dance class that her daughter also attended. She told me that she was not a bloody taxi service!

In the last few years this has caused me some problems.
I have neighbours who became friendly after we moved in, but who it turns out have problems with boundaries.
I started off helping them out when the husband had a health crisis, but these became more intense and more frequent. In the end my neighbour was calling us both in to solve all of their problems, even on my birthday. This came to a head when her husband started to experience bouts of aggression.
Months down the line we have worked hard to establish boundaries and i help by making my friend welcome here, going out with her when she gets sitting hours, running an errand or ordering online for her if she needs it.

I can honestly say that I’ve helped others before and not struggled with boundaries. (Although I did struggle to establish boundaries around my mum.) But now I would have to think very hard before i jumped in to help.

My husband and I support two family members who are mentally ill. The one I am primary carer for rarely asks for help so I have to be very proactive, and the other expects my husband to drop everything and run after him if he needs something done. It tries our patience, but also is a reminder of how fortunate we are.

We live by a couple who really should be getting help in from community support but they are so proud they feel they don't need it. The wife is very frail and the husband has huge mobility problems. They consider they are maintaining their independence by asking neighbours but they do have family who don't seem to appear very often. To be honest I don't have the capacity to be a regular helper as I suffer with clinical depression following the death of my parents. Of course, if it is an emergency we help out straightaway.

I was a single parent with two young children and found it hard to keep up with everything especially washing up and ironing. I was offered an evening out and a kind friend offered to babysit. I made sure all the washing up was done, but couldn't do the ironing so hid it (very spread out and flat) under the duvet on my bed. When I came home, all the ironing was done! She had hunted for it, gone into my bedroom.......well, you get the picture. I was speechless.

I am an offerer. I frequently help my elderly neighbour out. However, I would never clean any bodies house or do anything so intrusive. I left a key with a neighbour once and she washed all my vases and did my ironing. I was horrified.

I am very bad at asking for help.

Grammygrammy, you're beginning to look like a Troll, who enjoys trying to upset people with your aggressive, rude input. Either change your attitude or go away.

I am happy to help anyone on the days I have energy to do so. I do daft things like bring in the neighbour's washing if it rains while they are out at work. We always put our bins out along with neighbours as we are mid terraced and have to walk through their garden.
Have done bits of shopping for people when they have had covid.
Like most I am independent and rarely ask for help, but will do if I need it.
I would be offended if a friend came in and thought my house needing cleaning top to bottom.

My DIL came to my house, put the vac round and tidied the kitchen when I came home after surgery in hospital. Lovely bunch of flowers on the table too.
I would be quite happy for a friend to do the cleaning if I was ill it would be a lovely surprise.
Spending this weekend helping a very good friend move house. Going again tomorrow with DH to help unpack, put curtains etc.
She's a bit of a hoarder so lots to do. 3 other friends helping too as she's on her own.
With neighbours we help if they need it ie take in parcels cut grass for each other, water plants in summer if we're away. We don't visit each other so not too close which suits us both

micmc47

Grammygrammy, you're beginning to look like a Troll, who enjoys trying to upset people with your aggressive, rude input. Either change your attitude or go away.

You can always report aggressive posts; we don't get to choose who posts!

I usually offer but did just go and ‘do’ when a friend and neighbour had an accident. Her home needed sorting before she came back from hospital, no family here, so I just ‘did with Mr C’s help and was left really worried in case she objected. I did ask her daughter first, she lives overseas. Our friend was pleased, phew.

After the birth of our second child I was struggling. Mr C collapsed, very unwell. I was at my wits end. Our neighbour often took the laundry from the line and returned it ironed I’ve never been so grateful for anything. There’s a place for offering and one for just giving.

i do offer but i also just go ahead and do something when i know the person is like me and finds it hard to accept help, i don't kill with kindness but on the other hand i find it hard to accept help. i have spent a number of weeks in hospital over the last two years, i was usually fit enough to go after a week, but needed to be on a drip for a few weeks so i ended up helping others in the ward.

You sound just like me’Rileysnana’…I offer help all over to anybody…but no good at asking for help! And also, like you I am a Riley’s Nana…but he’s 15 and 6’1”Lol.

I usually offer help if I can but I am amazed at the number of people that refuse and want you to give them money or goods which are to be returned or paid back but that so very rarely happens.