Feeling guilty for saying no to looking after poorly grandchild

Obviously looked after my own children when they had tummy bugs, but made it clear when looking after my grandchildren that the one thing l would avoid is tummy bugs. They make you feel so unwell and seem to take,a,while to get over. Colds etc l've no problem with. Really unfair to be put on a guilt trip....their children, their responsibility. Dont think our children realise how lucky they are to have the support of grandparents with child care. Something l didnt have on a regular basis.

Yuk, I’ve told my daughter that I can’t cope with s and d, snotty noses and anything else that involves secretions, I just retch, I simply can’t help it it’s a nightmare going to the dentist. However my daughter would never go to work if the little one was poorly, no matter how much she lost in pay.

I’m pleased your daughter understands maryrose. We’re lucky, never been put in that situation as our family wouldn’t ask us to care for a child with d&v. We have stepped in with colds coughs, ear infections, chicken pox and many ailments without names but would be anxious around d&v as I’ve been incredibly unwell with it in the past. Not an issue now, our local teenagers don’t need this type of care and our young one has maternal family close by who are first port of call.

As other have said it’s personal choice. Whatever we decide in our families is absolutely fine, what wouldn’t be in my view is a grandparent hearing messages that they were wrong not to do it. Thankfully not in this case.

When your grand-child is better, maryrose54, I think you and your daughter deserve a trip out for posh coffee and indulgent cake. She sounds like a lovely woman - and has a lovely Ma.

maryrose54

Thankyou all for your supportive messages. Daughter has since messaged and told me not to feel bad, she understands. Feeling better for getting it off my chest too. I don't often post on here but when I do it's good to feel the support.

You've a sweet daughter.

DD has always looked after the children herself if it's D&V. With illnesses like ear infections or chicken pox I have spent happy hours sharing a blanket on the sofa while we watched cartoons together.

This is a very difficult question isn't it? As a children's nurse for many years I never had a choice at work, but since finishing work on I'll health following several abdominal operations I would definitely think twice, although we currently only have one grandchild who is 6 weeks old!

You can catch Norovirus from being in the same room as its airborne. Years ago son was knocked off his bike and ended up in A&E. I went to the hospital and a nurse made me a cup of coffee. Son was OK and discharged later. Next morning I was violently ill with D&V. My GP told me it was probably from the cup as it was most likely left on the draining board and Norovirus is airborne.
As a bonus I'd asked my boss for the next day off to be with son after the accident. Boss had said no but I could leave early. I rang in and told him I had D&V the next morning but he didn't believe me and sacked me told me not to come again. Its always upset me that he thought I was a liar.
I wouldn't look after DGC with flu colds coughs or D&V as I have a lung condition, but chicken pox mumps rubella eye infections I'd be ok with.

You've nothing to feel guilty about. Apart from the difficulties of coping with him when he is ill, you don't want to be ill yourself. It could take you much longer to get over it.

Personally I would have just looked after him . If you were careful and washed your hands you probably would have been ok. You could catch this from someone in a local supermarket.
2 of my grandkids are on the spectrum , so I know how hard it is but if as long as I wasn’t working myself, I would have done it. Times are hard and I wouldn’t want my daughter to lose pay.
Having said that you did what you felt was right for you and that could not have been easy so I think you should just let yourself off the hook and don’t waste emotion on gilt. You sound as though you are supportive so I am sure others are not as hard on you, as you are on yourself.

@maryrose54 it’s a no brainer with your health issues.

I take them in, sick or healthy. I'm not extremely vulnerable myself and do keep véry tight hygiene measures of hands and surfaces if and when someone in the house has a bug. Still, I do understand your decision OP, you and only you can decide how big the risk for yorself could be.

I would have said no -indeed my DDs would not have asked. They know I have quite enough health problems to be getting on with! You did the right thing.

I too would have refused. While staying at my daughter's last month my granddaughter was sent home from school unwell. I thought I'd avoided any germs but on the way home 4 days later I was sick and then took to my bed. It took another week before I felt "back to normal", completely wiped me out and I'm in no way clinically vulnerable.

You have done the right thing. You are no help to them if you are poorly and who wants a bout of a nasty bug!

You did the right thing, are you in a position to help financially if needs be ?

I would draw the line at sickness and diarrhoea. I might have felt sufficiently guilty to offer to pay the lost earnings for daughter (though that might set a costly precedence).

Your are right - and she should be washing like mad and keeping her distance until clear. Adding you as another person who's been in contact with him is not reasonable.

I draw the line at anything to do with vomiting. As I get older, I get more phobic about it as it seems to get me nearly to the point of blacking out just before I vomit if I catch the bug. I don't feel guilty, it's self protection.
It's sad that your daughter has to miss work but that is one of the joys of being a parent. Perhaps she can catch up her hours and you can child mind when your grandchild is better?

Mmm - a difficult one, and I don't mind for coughs and colds, but the last time I looked after grandson with sick bug, I went down with it and was ill for 2 weeks! So, I would have to say no. The parents have already been exposed, and they will have to get on with it. I will, of course, sympathise, and am happy to go 48 hours after last 'episode' and look after my lovely little GS id he's still feeling poorly.

She may not have been trying to make you feel bad but just had her thoughts come out loud

I suffer from the same issue, brain wired straight to mouth.

You wouldn't be able to look after your grandchild if you got poorly anyway

Don't feel bad, I'm sure she appreciates you amd everything you do to help

I’m glad the situation has been resolved, Maryrose. I think that’s the most sensible thing to have done. My dd doesn’t expect us to look after her children with D&V. I caught Norovirus last year, was ill for a week and lost half a stone. That meant I then wasn’t able to look after her DC the following week!

Cough or cold, yes, O.K. But at my age, diarrhoea or even flu.. sorry, but no way. I caught Norovirus from looking after a sick Grandchild several years ago, and there's no way I'd want to risk that again. A horrendous experience. Don't feel guilty. You need to be sensible about what's safest for you.

maryrose54

For the posters who said that they would not think twice about saying yes, I should add that I suffer with IBS, and 10 years ago had a bowel resection due to a cancerous polyp. Any change to my bowel habits causes me anxiety so I try to stay clear of tummy bugs.

I am immunocompromised and would still do it. Taking precautions would lessen the risk. I am certainly not reckless.
As I have already stated, it's a personal choice.

Sounds like your grandchild might be happier with his mum too. I would share your guilt but am also vulnerable so would decline.