When does asking questions become an invasion of privacy?

Depends who is asking the questions and why. I'm more likely to chat to strangers in a restaurant about locality, weather, etc. Even had conversations with older retired people when they bring up what they used to do, it's interesting and they are keen to talk. If someone mentions they are from the same county we used to live then we would say SNAP. But, if a neighbour or one of my friends or family asked me something I don't wish to answer, I do ask, why do you need to know? Just because people feel ok to ask questions doesn't mean I have to answer.

How do you have a conversation without asking at least some questions?

You can't. But knowing which questions are off-limits, and not following up with more questions when someone tries to close the subject is what separates good conversationalists from nosy parkers

How do you have a conversation without asking at least some questions?

Obviously there are questions that should probably not be asked because they might be a sensitive issue for that person - have you got children, are you married, etc. but I can't see the harm in asking more general questions.

And if a neighbour had told me that someone in her family was going for an interiew, I would think it perfectly natural to ask how he/she got on. If you don't want someone to follow up a comment you have made, then don't mention it.

Doodledog

*I have a friend who always seems very surprised that I too know the person she has mentioned. She asks how do you know her as if I have no right to know her friends even though I was brought up in this area and went to school locally.
I find it quite irritating.*
I have one of those too

It's as though I live in a wardrobe or something, whereas I've lived here far longer than she has, and have various networks as a result.

I think it shocks her, as she thinks her gossip is safe in the 'bubbles' she creates, and won't move from one to another. It does, of course.

Precisely why people shouldn't talk/ gossip about others!

Also why people shouldn't ask stupid intrusive questions.

*I have a friend who always seems very surprised that I too know the person she has mentioned. She asks how do you know her as if I have no right to know her friends even though I was brought up in this area and went to school locally.
I find it quite irritating.*
I have one of those too

It's as though I live in a wardrobe or something, whereas I've lived here far longer than she has, and have various networks as a result.

I think it shocks her, as she thinks her gossip is safe in the 'bubbles' she creates, and won't move from one to another. It does, of course.

I have a friend who always seems very surprised that I too know the person she has mentioned. She asks how do you know her as if I have no right to know her friends even though I was brought up in this area and went to school locally.
I find it quite irritating.
She has also been gossiping about me for she was able to tell me people didn't like my ex even though she doesn't know him .
I try to avoid her now.

Sago, people are much too sensitive these days. Where has camaraderie gone! I know just what you mean and we must keep asking questions. There's too much silencing going on. Well done you for asking questions.

Safe! Good networking policy!

I have a good friend, who would do anything for anybody, but she does ask a lot of questions, and does pass on the information gleaned to other friends. She intends no harm, but I've learned to be careful how I answer, as there are things I do not want shared

I can relate to this, even more so if it's regarding my family members.
And I know more than I want to about some of theirs! 🤐

Germanshepherdsmum

Oh yes! Hadn’t thought of that. And mustn’t ask about holidays for the same reason. ‘Aren’t these canapés delicious’ would probably be met with a complaint about an allergy …. Your brother has the right idea with films I think!

As I say, he's good: "What is your favorite book, new film?"

I have always asked questions and don't mind answering them unless of course, they are intrusive.

Oh yes! Hadn’t thought of that. And mustn’t ask about holidays for the same reason. ‘Aren’t these canapés delicious’ would probably be met with a complaint about an allergy …. Your brother has the right idea with films I think!

Germanshepherdsmum

And the weather is fairly safe!

Global warming!

And the weather is fairly safe!

Doodledog

Obviously these things are cultural, but I think there are tiers of questions that can be asked to different tiers of people.

General ones, like 'where do you live?', or 'how do you know the hosts?' are fine in most circumstances, as they are opportunities for the askee to expand on the questions and open a conversation. Where a lot of people go wrong is forgetting that the asker shouldn't persist if the answer seems to be brushing it off. 'Oh, we've known each other for years' should be enough. Not everyone wants to say 'we met in jail', or 'in the waiting room of the STD clinic' . A skilful conversationalist will pick up on a reluctance to go further and change the subject, but a nosy parker will press until they get a reply.

With friends and family the same rules apply, but the range of acceptable questions is broader. 'How did you get on at the doctor's?' or 'did the interview go well?' is ok if you've been told there was an appointment, but if the answer is 'oh, fine thanks', or 'I'm feeling better now', it's time to back off, unless you've already been involved in conversations about the ailment or job hunt, and are sure that the person doesn't mind you knowing (whatever the outcome), and that there are not others listening who might not share your levels of inclusion.

Questions about relationships and achievements are on less certain ground. 'Are you in a relationship?', 'Did you pass your exams?' 'Are you going to have another baby?' are all things that IMO should be treated with extreme caution. It might be ok to ask a close friend or a close relative, but it's important to judge that closeness carefully - not everyone wants to talk about personal things even to their nearest and dearest, and knowing when to stop is the important thing - people will tell you what they want you to know.

Money, politics, religion are always assumed to be no-go areas, and they are at a casual meeting, such as a wedding; but much depends on the circumstances. I've been to parties where all three have been discussed, and others where they caused conflict - again it depends on the people and how well they can accept differing viewpoints as well as knowing when to stop pushing.

Perfect explanation.

Always ones garden to natter on about, as a fall back.

Obviously these things are cultural, but I think there are tiers of questions that can be asked to different tiers of people.

General ones, like 'where do you live?', or 'how do you know the hosts?' are fine in most circumstances, as they are opportunities for the askee to expand on the questions and open a conversation. Where a lot of people go wrong is forgetting that the asker shouldn't persist if the answer seems to be brushing it off. 'Oh, we've known each other for years' should be enough. Not everyone wants to say 'we met in jail', or 'in the waiting room of the STD clinic' . A skilful conversationalist will pick up on a reluctance to go further and change the subject, but a nosy parker will press until they get a reply.

With friends and family the same rules apply, but the range of acceptable questions is broader. 'How did you get on at the doctor's?' or 'did the interview go well?' is ok if you've been told there was an appointment, but if the answer is 'oh, fine thanks', or 'I'm feeling better now', it's time to back off, unless you've already been involved in conversations about the ailment or job hunt, and are sure that the person doesn't mind you knowing (whatever the outcome), and that there are not others listening who might not share your levels of inclusion.

Questions about relationships and achievements are on less certain ground. 'Are you in a relationship?', 'Did you pass your exams?' 'Are you going to have another baby?' are all things that IMO should be treated with extreme caution. It might be ok to ask a close friend or a close relative, but it's important to judge that closeness carefully - not everyone wants to talk about personal things even to their nearest and dearest, and knowing when to stop is the important thing - people will tell you what they want you to know.

Money, politics, religion are always assumed to be no-go areas, and they are at a casual meeting, such as a wedding; but much depends on the circumstances. I've been to parties where all three have been discussed, and others where they caused conflict - again it depends on the people and how well they can accept differing viewpoints as well as knowing when to stop pushing.

So two people have mentioned it. It has given you pause for thought and that’s good. A bit of self-reflection does no harm if not taken too far.

Frankly, when I was looking for jobs I would have been exceedingly hurt if my mother hadn't bothered to ask how the interview went!

Asking friends or relatives how their children are, or about their holiday plans are examples of good manners. Surely no reasonable person could see this kind of small talk as an invasion of privacy.

To me expecting to be told all the details of a friend's hospital treatment, income tax returns, intimate relationship etc. are invasions of privacy, and I would make no bones of saying that I did not want to discuss those.

Surely if your friends feel you are prying, they say so? If they don't tell you nicely or straight out to mind your own business then you obviously have not transgressed in any way, but have shown and been accepted as showing a polite interest in their affairs.

Oh Sago, I thought I was the only one interested enough in other folk to learn more about them, particularly when meeting people for the first time. I discovered that I am also regarded as 'being rather nosy!

hazelnuts

General message this I was taught a long time ago I was a Nurse, not to use abbreviation as some have double meanings
But they seem to get used a lot on here ie GG DD Op AC ????

It's a constant source of irritation to some of us hazelnuts

Love your husband's response V3ra I'm never quick enough to think of something like that.

I admit I haven't read all the conversation so apologies if I am repeating what's been said.

There are ways of asking, Some people tend to conduct what seems like an interrogation even though it's not meant to be..

And the other point is just what exactly do you do with all the information obtained? I have a good friend, who would do anything for anybody, but she does ask a lot of questions, and does pass on the information gleaned to other friends. She intends no harm, but I've learned to be careful how I answer, as there are things I do not want shared .

It shows genuine interest that you are interested in family or other people's lives. I never ask personal questions (how people can do this is insensitive), these q's should be strictly taboo, so I never ask about financial matters or if anyone is intending to have a baby. I was at a gathering of friends and family, when a friend asked my AD+her hubby, if they were intending to have a sibling for her young son. My daughter had 3 miscarriages and we felt that type of personal info is upsetting and inappropriate to ask.

nanna8

If they have brought the subject up, as happened with the OP, I would think it is just showing an interest to ask how an interview went. Let’s face it, you are just being nice and it doesn’t make any difference to you . I am careful with asking people about their health issues because people can be funny about that and / or they may tell you in way too much gory detail! Depends on the person. We have one friend, originally from a remote Scottish island and she never tells me or anyone else anything, you have to prise conversation out of her and then it is mostly monosyllabic. She’s a good sort, though and we have learnt to live with it. Horses for courses as they say.

Nanna8. People who live in these small communities learn to be very private as gossip is rife. I lived in a remote community for a while and I guarantee people knew what I was up to before I did!! And then they felt at liberty to have an opinion and question me and often be quite rude. I was even asked if my partner was good in bed and what was our pillow talk!! So yes, your friend has learned to say very little!

I haven't read every single post on this thread (so I don't know if someone else has mentioned this as a typical American trait), but it makes me chuckle. I was born and lived in the United States and moved to Switzerland in the 90's and then England in 1999 where I have cherished every day and and become a British citizen. I didn't notice how intrusive most Americans are, until I moved to Switzerland, where people are very reserved. And then coming to England, I found people to be generally very polite and considerate, even though many were dying to ask what made me move to the UK in my 40's. This thread has shown me that there are actually quite a few nosy people here as well!

hazelnuts perhaps you are new. It does get confusing sometimes, but at the bottom of each page there is a subject of Acronyms and if you click on it, you will get all the abbreviations.