Marital break up causes wedding dilemma

Thanks. Life’s a learning curve isn’t it!

You don't sound needy or poor me ish at all Maybee you sound strong and resilient.

It was a long time ago. The only reason I bang on about it is that, prior to my divorce I used to see people get divorced and it didn’t seem to be a big deal eg Elizabeth Taylor used to get divorced all the time! But the doctors where I worked always took divorce very seriously. Then, when it happened to me I couldn’t believe how traumatic it was and, having joined a singles group that was full of fellow divorced people and hearing of their back stories I realised that it wasn’t just me. It’s even worse if, like me you stopped working to have children and had no career or pension to fall back on. And I felt as if I’d let my children down (still do). My partners son still can’t go back to the place where he first found out that his mum and dad were splitting up and my daughter has never really got over her fathers affair even though she’s the one that told me I had to divorce him because he would do it again if I tried to forgive him. She felt so betrayed. By the way, I don’t mean to sound so needy and poor me’ish! We all muddle along really well now. But I understand what other people are going through when it happens to them.

Leave it up to your Son and his partner to sort out. It's their day.

Weddings are overrated

It is a very important event for the couple and very close friends and family

However, for others, they are an obligation and something you have to do

For others, something in the middle

The couple that is breaking up right now has rightly higher priorities compared to this wedding

Why not give them space?
This wedding dilemma, who will attend, will be solved by itself.

I am also sorry that this happened to you Maybee but I think there is another way of looking at this question of post divorce relationships.
If the non blood relative remains part of the ex's family and that family is their only social life, so to speak, it can prevent them from truly making a life of their own, and possibly meeting a new partner (if they wish to).
It is jolly hard work to start again after divorce, and could feel easier not to really try if the ex's family is still including one in the same way as if they were still married,

I am assuming here that all the children of the marriage are grown up.

That's sad to hear Maybee and I can quite believe it
When I married DH I became part of his enormous extended family which I found a bit overwhelming as my only 2 cousins are in NZ.
I was welcomed with open arms and thought it was wonderful.
Then his uncle and aunt divorced and I heard his DG Dh gran say she'd never liked her (the aunt) anyway and proceeded to distance her and take sides
I never saw the ex wife again, though we tried to keep up with their DC
And I never felt quite the same about my wonderful new family. If they could close ranks so brutally over her, what would happen if I left DH 😔
I didn't but when there are DC involved this taking sides is horrible.

MayBee

Having an affair is abuse to me

There is for example, the lying to cover it up and the gaslighting when they make you think you are going crazy when you suspect things and they deny it.

Also affairs come with guilt and shame so often work will be done to blame you for the affair which can include mutual friendsand family which results in alienating you from them.

It's up to the two guests to be cordial to each other if they both accept the invitation.
I would say nothing but have something prepared to mutter to them if either doesn't.

Presumably uncle and wife were invited as a couple. The prime invite would surely be the uncle as a blood relative and his wife as the plus one so to speak. Since they have been invited as a pair they should come as a pair and not as two individuals. If they cannot come as a civil pair then they should not come at all. It is not their wedding day and they should be thinking of the young couple whose day it is.

That sounds really sad Maybee70 and completely unecessary

I lost what were my only family ( I didn’t really have any family of my own) and also most of my friends when my husband and I split up. It wasn’t deliberate on their part but it just happens that way. Although no one liked the woman he left me for ( she eventually left him and went back to her husband) his new partner has totally replaced me and even though we only live a few miles away from each other none of them ever visit me when they visit him. I’ve made a new life for myself but it took a long time and wasn’t easy.

If the couple have received formal invitations it is up to them to decide whether they will attend, and I think the soon to be ex-wife should attend, and her husband.
People who have not been divorced do not understand how one becomes a non-person, illustrated here as the wife believes she is a friend of the family but the husband believes being a blood relative precludes her attendance. Comfortable friendships and the attendant social life can disappear overnight, as is happening here, and is amazingly painful.

Is this uncle your DH brother?
If so does your DH have an opinion?
The guest list can be so fraught but if this couple have already been invited, surely they can't be uninvited?
Photos can be confusing in years to come. Who are all these people?
DD "had" to invite cousins who she hardly knew and thus couldn't fit in people she would have loved.

Many thanks for all the responses. Lots of food for family thought!

Speaking from personal experience, she should have the good sense to stay away. If not, I hope the uncle has the good sense not to spoil the day by causing any tension.

62Granny

If your son and his fiancee what the uncle there, perhaps you could arrange a nice meal out with the ex after the event, is the bride having a hen do? Perhaps she could be included in that as an alternative.

That sounds like a great idea. It’s sad that she’d got so close to the family with her own family being overseas. I know people shouldn’t take sides when people divorce but sometimes it’s impossible not to.

MayBee no apology needed

growstuff the best revenge is always happiness!

If your son and his fiancee what the uncle there, perhaps you could arrange a nice meal out with the ex after the event, is the bride having a hen do? Perhaps she could be included in that as an alternative.

My daughter is getting married in a couple of months. I really hate my ex and especially his mother, who will both be there, but I'm just going to have to grit my teeth and get on with it. There is no way I would spoil her day by causing extra stress.

I must apologise. I met someone the other day that I shared a history with and talking about people and places from years ago took me back many years and trawled up lots of emotions both good and bad. Didn’t mean to be so touchy!

I've had to be around people who have hurt me deeply, yes

I'd have to try and put my loved ones before that though for special days as hard as I agree it is

I hope you have recovered Maybee neither of them were worth you feeling like that

Have you been through a divorce then? Do you know what it’s like. I actually thought that I would pass out when I was anywhere near the person my husband had the affair with. I would start to shake uncontrollably. I agree that,when children are involved, the parents need to do everything possible to show a united front. I’m just trying to say that people that haven’t been through a divorce don’t understand how it affects you emotionally.

You can hate their guts Maybee of course but situations like this, or when children need co-parenting (as long as one isn't abusive in any way) keeping a lid on your anger for others should be achievable right? That's why we have friends and support systems to vent at

VioletSky

It is up to the couple marrying who they would like to be there

In my opinion: Couples who split up need to do more work on being able to be polite and cordial to each other. Just look at the harm it causes children when parents cannot get on after splitting up

When, for example, you divorce your husband because he’s been conducting an affair for a long time and you’ve been protecting your children from it it isn’t always easy to behave civilly towards him. I wish people would understand how traumatic a divorce is for everybody concerned sometimes.