RSVPs for funerals

When my husband died we had a lot of his workmates there as his manager gave them permission to attend during the working day as his funeral was midweek. Obviously they could only attend the wake for one drink then had to get back to work so didn’t need feeding . I think we catered for 50 in the Royal British Legion and it seemed adequate for the rest of the attendees.

No invitations were sent out in my friend's case. Just a request at the end of the various online intimations that she be contacted if people were planning to attend.

Of course it's acceptable to send out invitations. Each to their own. We sent out invitations to family and friends with details that they migh not have thought of such as if it was damp/raining to wear appropriate footwear as our Mother chose to be buried in a green burial cemetery which was a wild flowers meadow.

So lovely to visit the person whilst they are still with us and who can appreciate seeing them. It only needs to be a short time. I’ve been told as a guideline to cater for 50% of the people you might expect to attend. Funeral Directors are always very helpful in offering advice & recommendations at these times.

We had a private green burial for DH last week. It took a while to get the death certificate and to make arrangements because of two long Bank Holiday weekends so it was not immediate. Only close family were invited and we went back to my daughter’s home afterwards.
We will also be having a Service of Thanksgiving in church in a month’s time at which everyone will be welcome. Just tea/ coffee and cake* to follow as it will be mid afternoon and we will have no idea of numbers. Family will let me know as will those coming from afar, but local people won’t. If we run out of cake, does it matter?
* also some savoury equivalent as DH was diabetic and used to complain if only cake was on offer at an event!

Dh died last year. Most interest people did contact to say they would lile to arrend the service and whether or not they would attend the reception. In the intimation I did state those wishing to atrend should contact family for funeral details. Location, time etc not made public as due to size of service venue I had to keep a check on numbers. Worked well.

Some funerals can be fun if the person has had a long life well lived but others can be very sad occasions indeed
I'd prefer mine to be as simple and straightforward as possible so I don't inconvenience my family.

This seems to be a fairly new thing even here across the pond. There’s a trend that a country club or venue luncheon/reception is planned at a later date than when it was more customary after the actual death - which was 3-5 days post and also included a fellowship gathering for attendees hosted and cooked by church friends - gratis.

I believe it started when the pandemic was in full swing. Have the private family service and burial (cremation) right away but have the gathering of friends, relatives, co-workers etc a month or so later. People are sending invitations now but NOT necessarily asking for RSVP’s - which is probably a good thing. Those that need to be there will show up.

Planners need to only have liquid refreshment and a few appetizers - nothing to obsess over.

I’m personally leaning towards a celebration following my memorial service (cremation) for anyone that shows up - open bar, food, dessert offerings which will be paid in full by my family who will be reimbursed out of my paltry little estate.
Have FUN! 🎉
USA Gundy

In Germany people often phone to give condolences and ask when the funeral is. They then tell you if they are able to attend or not.
Family always let you know if they are coming or not.
That way you have a rough figure of how many you may need to cater for.

We recently lost my Mum and held the wake at a small restaurant/pub, they were very good and said they could quickly make more sandwiches if needed.
There were more people we initially thought but enough food for everyone.

saltnshake

The reason you are are asked to RSVP is that many wakes are now held at hotels or pubs. These establishments charge a set price per head. My friend was asked to pay a large deposit beforehand. So I feel it is reasonable to try to have an idea of the number to cater for.

I think it’s reasonable too, when meals are going to be produced, or even a buffet really as they are both expensive unless doing the catering yourself.

I've not heard this before both as someone organising a funeral or an attendee. Tbh I only go to the "afterwards" if it's someone close anyway. I dont expect a big spread - as long as I get a cuppa I'm happy (and most these days are in a pub so I'd expect to buy my drink at the bar).

It's the one life event that you don't ask people to! I'm sure the caterers are used to it, I helped provide catering for one a few years ago (WI member and our WI were asked to provide the tea) - the family thought about 60 would turn up but in the event it was nearly double!!! We still had enough food though

I think she is most probably focussing on this as a distraction from her grief

I was told that people were coming to pay their respects to my late husband, not to be fed and if there were more people that food to go round then tough. TBH on the day there is little emotion left to care if people are fed or not

I know.

It’s useful to know for catering purposes at The Wake. If coming to service etc. Doesn’t matter.

I held both my parents funeral receptions in hotels and guessed how many would come.

I have never heard of (let alone received or sent) an invite.

I catered for loads of people both times but as it was a hotel I was assured they would simply add to the buffet if it was running a bit low or if more people came.

Both funerals were midweek. Both were roughly mid-day.

We ran out of the very fanciest cakes at Dad's funeral as there were so many people but they brought out the teabreads, sponges and more scones etc. Plenty of sandwiches which just appeared - and as it was a hotel, plenty of tea/coffee.

Everyone was offered a drink from the bar (several sherries were drunk!).

The catering was the easy bit to be honest. It would have been horrible doing it myself with 5 young children and a one still a baby.

I was lucky that I didn't have to. If finances had been tight I would have been pleased to know numbers.

That's my experience too Callistemon

Aveline, funeral services are public events (unless specified as private) so the date/time is communicated - and it's only the wake that needs an invitation.

That's usually for close friends and family only - so it should be fairly straightforward to estimate numbers. I think your friend is stressing because she's unaware of the usual conventions.

At most funeral services we have attended (and there have been so many recently) there has usually been an invitation to the wake on the back of the order of service, so open to all who attend, not just close friends and family.

My husband died recently and I hadn’t a clue how many would come to the funeral. I counted up people I knew would definitely be coming and added about 20 people, so catered for 65. I panicked a bit at the funeral as I was told we had at least 150 people.
But then thought all these people have come to pay respects and celebrate the life of my husband and not to be fed. About 100 people came to venue and we had plenty of buffet, people didn’t seem to eat a lot.

I can understand where your friend is coming from. I wanted everything to be just perfect for my DH, it is after all the last thing you can do for them. Even the weather which we had no control over was on our side.
I think you are running on Adrenalin and are in a kind of surreal daze to a certain extent then when it’s over you are ready to collapse. I was unsure about numbers for the buffet but all turned out well and there seemed to be plenty of it. I just couldn’t eat a thing on the day but everyone else tucked in and said how much they’d enjoyed it as we went for all the traditional buffet food that my husband loved.
It is an awful thing to go through, your friend has my sympathy, hope all goes well.

Hetty58. I think her stressing about potential attenders was all mixed in with her general distress after a very difficult last few months with her DH. She's trying to take control of everything and that's just not always possible. She's keen that her DHs life is well celebrated which is lovely. She's organised every aspect of the funeral that she can but can't be sure of exact numbers. The post funeral event is not very close to the crematorium which is another complication. I'm encouraging her to try to relax and focus on her DH and know that she's done absolutely everything she possibly can to make sure that all goes well.

Aveline, funeral services are public events (unless specified as private) so the date/time is communicated - and it's only the wake that needs an invitation.

That's usually for close friends and family only - so it should be fairly straightforward to estimate numbers. I think your friend is stressing because she's unaware of the usual conventions.

Several hundred people came to my husband's funeral - many work colleagues, friends from snooker and golf, neighbours, hospital staff and cousins - many I had never met.

Still, the 'after party' (as he'd called it, when planning the event) was for about 30, and that was quite enough. We had a buffet, so knowing the numbers wasn't vital.

Ham sandwiches, sausage rolls and fruit cake seem to be the traditional post funeral fare round here in my experience. Tea and coffee plus sherry or whisky. At my Dad's we had champagne as it was what he would have wanted. No RSVPs then but somehow it all worked out fine.

Whenever I have had to arrange a funeral I have always just telephoned members of the family and friends of the deceased with news of the death and the date of the funeral. They have almost always told me immediately whether they will able to come.