So Ive been “volunteered” as a proxy key holder and possible carer for my dementia neighbour!

I agree. You should not get involved in this. It’s up to her family to make suitable arrangements for carers and perhaps one of those pendants which can summon help in an emergency. Maybe security cameras which would alert them in case of lack of movement/unusual movements. But that’s down to them and it’s wholly unreasonable to expect a neighbour to help out. Their problem, their duty to sort out properly.

I was afraid you were going to say you'd felt pushed into agreeing biglouis.
I'm so relieved for you that you said NO.

I hope your nephew has a strong word with 4 anyway, although her note has gone.
Maybe alert her to the trouble she could get into with this plan.

Well done from me, too. How dare they even ask - and just assume that you have the time to do it. A person with dementia needs carers, or ideally a care home. It sounds like they're just trying to arrange things on the cheap.

She needs a call alarm pendant with her family phone numbers as the contacts.

You've done the right thing biglouis.

You have no obligation to this woman or her children. You said No and that was the right answer.

well done OP.
any more from 4, remind her that you are not part of the area that she manages, in her very imp job.

I dont think the daughter knows the extent to which her mother and I have never got on.

I have never actually met the daughter. She had already moved away when I moved here, Her sibling was then a boy of 15 and has since married and got a family of his own. Its probably also fair to say that number 4 also does not realise the extent to which there is a poor relationship between myself and 3.

I would not get involved anyway even if 3 was ok with the plan. 3 can come across as very needy one moment and then suddenly turn shouty and aggressive if the response isnt to her liking. She can "turn on a penny" as we say in Liverpool. So imagine if someone she did not like or trust let themself in with a key!

I can imagine scenarios of 3 not answering the phone because she is ill or has fallen. The calling ambulances and having to wait while they arrive and go to hospitals because 4 is away on her "very important" job and I have got myself lumbered.

You did absolutely the right thing. For all the reasons above.

Absolutely right in your response. The ramifications of taking on such responsibilities, with a dementia sufferer who seems not to like you, could be horrendous. Dementia sufferers who have had a loving relationship with relatives can turn on them and accuse them of all sorts of wrongdoings - imagine the scope for you. Very wrong of neighbour to try the 'guilt trip' as well; that is just not fair.

You did absolutely the right thing. If 3 has had no say in the matter, it could leave you wide open for all manner of grief, 4 had no business in approaching you either, that should have been left to the relatives of 3.

If the family live so far away they should get professional services set up if they want piece of mind.

Grandmabatty

Callistemon The OP refers to being a 'possible carer' in the title of her thread, hence my remarks.

Yes, that was really taking the biscuit!

I meant that it's two separate things, being a carer and being a key holder.
Being a carer is the responsibility of family or paid carers.

Being a key holder is a big responsibility too, especially for someone with dementia.

Good grief!

No 4 is trying to shame you into becoming a key-holder!

The woman has family - the fact they live a distance is irrelevant. They will have to engage carers. You cannot possibly be expected to cope with someone who has dementia. Goodness only knows what kind of accusations / trouble you might be letting yourself into.

Daughter and sibling will have to come up with a better plan than leaving their problem with neighbours to deal with.

If you were younger, fit, willing and had been friendly with No 3, it might be a different kettle of fish. Under the circumstances, you had more than every right to refuse.

And No 4 should take a hike...

Callistemon The OP refers to being a 'possible carer' in the title of her thread, hence my remarks.

Very well done!

You did the right thing. It was a bit weird of the relative to ask you, considering you’ve never got on with your neighbour, and in view of your own mobility issues. And very unreasonable to try to guilt trip you like that.

Grandmabatty

Good grief! Well done on saying no. They can get carers in and pay for the privilege.

Being a key holder should not mean any caring is involved except that, if the person has a fall or something happens and they press the alarm which they should carry, the firm will phone you to go round and check if they are all right or need help or you need to call an ambulance.

I was a key holder for an elderly neighbour and only got called once but I needed to call for more help. She was a lovely old lady, frail but did not have dementia.

In the circumstances you describe, biglouis, you were right to refuse.

No no and no again ! What an absolute cheek ! Good for you. No is a sentence!

Because I refused to take it from her 4 left a piece of paper with her phone number in the gate, She asked me to "think about it". I left it there and it has blown away (I think). My nephew was going to take it back and have a few strong words with her.

Ive had a previous experience where a relative of someone I was attempting to help accused me of interfearing. It was organised via a charity during the first lockdown and I know that social services eventually became involved.

You did exactly the right thing.

Good for you, and stick to your guns, as they say.

Good grief! Well done on saying no. They can get carers in and pay for the privilege.