Can't cope with friends mental health

M0nica

People with dementia can be aggressive and unpleasant, similalry people under a lot of stress - an if this lady has had a health scare, this may have affected her deeply.

As others say, if you are scared of her, then that is a warning sign and should govern your conduct. Can you just see her for short periods when other people are around?

But your safety and mental health must come first, I would drift out of this relationship rather than just cut it, if possible. This gives your friend time to recover, if this is likely to happen.

This.. exactly so. I'd started to write similar, but this says it better than my effort. The final para is especially important. Excellent advice, M0nica.

Esmay life is difficult without having people drag us down. I hope things get better for us. Take Care

Biscuitmuncher -
we might be talking about the same friend .
I've known a lady for about three plus years and last year , I found her so unpleasant that I cooled our relationship off .

It's all about her and her complete obsession with herself .
I'm tired of the sympathy from me the long texts, the phone calls , the cards , chocolates , flowers and plants .

Last month ,
guilt set in :

We went to the cinema .

First of all , I had a lot of nonsense about booking tickets and getting there .

She mumbled all the way through the film .
It was so distracting .

When it finished , I was telling her something interesting from my past and it was dismissed irritably .

Everything is about her illnesses , her family and her life .

I've met two of her three children and they are really odd .
I'm wondering if there aren't genetic problems from what she's told me about her mother .

I can't talk to her husband about it.
He's a selfish man and she's his doormat .

She has a big house to clean and endless obligations with her two selfish children that I mentioned and elderly relatives .

At the end of the day ,she makes me feel depressed and is very poor company .

A few years ago , I walked away from two friends - one a severe epilepic and the other a schizophrenic (who assaulted me ) because they were both unbearable .

My life with my father is difficult and I need the pleasant , distracting and enjoyable company of friends who care about me .

Eventually, you will feel the same .
Wishing you well .

pascal30

nanna8

I should maybe say that having a mental illness doesn’t usually make someone aggressive and unpleasant. More often it is withdrawal and fear and irrational speech. Just saying.

unless it's bi-polar, sometimes psychosis or paranoid schizophrenia

Some thoughts on that. With bi-polar (and thee are 2 kinds of bi-polar, only one of then has the aggressive symptoms) moods swing and can be very depressive ie withdrawal and self blaming. People with psychosis and bi-polar severe mania can be like that but not if its under good drug control.

It sounds to me it could possibly be an aspect of what's described a Personality Disorder (can be combined with other stuff). These are harder to treat as they are sort of hard-wired into how we are, and also perhaps more likely to be denied. But those are difficult to diagnose and need a psychiatrist. (Although there is a lot of general talk about narcissists on gransnet and elsewhere).

Lot so people in gransnet have talked about experiences of depression and anxiety and OCD and tend to blame self not others, at least know and can "name and explain"whats wrong.

Thank you everyone. You've all given me lots to think about. It's such a sad situation I've known her for so long. But she seems just like a stranger now

What Monica says.
Sad situation all round but can’t continue, not fair to you.

nanna8

I should maybe say that having a mental illness doesn’t usually make someone aggressive and unpleasant. More often it is withdrawal and fear and irrational speech. Just saying.

unless it's bi-polar, sometimes psychosis or paranoid schizophrenia

People with dementia can be aggressive and unpleasant, similalry people under a lot of stress - an if this lady has had a health scare, this may have affected her deeply.

As others say, if you are scared of her, then that is a warning sign and should govern your conduct. Can you just see her for short periods when other people are around?

But your safety and mental health must come first, I would drift out of this relationship rather than just cut it, if possible. This gives your friend time to recover, if this is likely to happen.

I should maybe say that having a mental illness doesn’t usually make someone aggressive and unpleasant. More often it is withdrawal and fear and irrational speech. Just saying.

If you feel scared of her , that is a sigh you should not ignore. If being with her is too much for you , back away, it maybe ensure you are not alone with her. It is a very sad situation but please take care of you own heath and do not feel guilty!!

If spending time with her is bringing you down, you need to put some distance between the two of you. It doesn't have to be permanent, although I have finally, after 50 years, ended a friendship. Just as Bluebird243 described above, my former friend was always right, hyper critical of everyone including members of my family, and constantly challenging my opinions e.g. about politics, education, music, or whatever. I realised why members of her family had cut ties with her over the years.

I've no doubt I've changed too and become less and less tolerant, maybe took things to heart more, but the strain of treading on eggshells, or simply having to constantly let things wash over me, finally took it's toll.

I simply said it was time to say goodbye. Everyone has noticed how much happier I am without the constant criticism. I know it was the best for me, but it's a hard decision and I understand how hard it is for you.

Take a break away from her for the sake of your own mental health.

kittylester

Does she have family to whom you could mention your worries?

I agree with kitty, does she have any family living locally or do you have contact details for any family that live away?

Alternatively, might you be in a position where you could actually say. to her "I am very worried about you and the way you are with me sometimes, it is so unlike you. to be unkind. Would you like me to come with you see your GP? I really value our friendship but things do not seem right and I want to help you".

I've just come out of a similar situation whereby after doing everything I possibly could to support a friend [with problems] for years...I've had to retreat for the sake of my own mental well being. I miss her but have found peace and my self esteem and confidence again [after constant digs at me and having to walk on eggshells for a very long time].

The control, sniping, arrogance, odd ashes of temper and developing some very odd and controversial ideas and values which clash with my own became too much in the end.

It's sad to have to let go when we've had good times with someone, sad to see people change so much and also be influenced by those around them but I think you have to move away OP for the sake of your own well being and balance. Everything changes, not always for the better. Look after yourself, sometimes we can't help someone.

I think you need to look at it as, you cant cope with her right now.

Sounds like she might change back at some stage?

Unfortunately she has the kind of problem which precludes enough self awareness to see in any way the effect she has on others.
Sounds like she's moved from vulnerable mode to blaming others mode.
Also not getting enough help but unlikely to admit it.

Have had to think about this long and hard because in my case it was my DH. So guilt got/gets in the way of self protection. Any challenge brings opprobrium down on you. I finally started divorce proceedings and DH wrote to the solicitor that I had dementia and was insane - and he believed it.

My personal POV is that her MH condition is a reason but not an excuse and you have every right to protect yourself when it comes to seeing with your head.

Redhead suggests less often and shorter time. It's worth a try first. Any requests for more often/longer answer is "it's all I can manage atm" not reasons necessary.

But in the end you need to separate yourself. MH conditions like that are terribly sad, they tear families apart, but if she is on a downward spiral sometimes it has to be that way before they get scooped up by MH services.

Very sad situation, your friend is obviously suffering and needs help, yes its natural for you to feel things are occurring that makes you feel uneasy and your worries are very important. Has your friend any family that you could speak to, lay down your concerns? Your friend certainly needs help and for you to be strong.

💐

A woman in my friendship group has been behaving oddly so I think I understand a little.
Sometimes she's nice as pie and at others irrational and demanding.
She is also becoming deaf so then I repeat and raise my voice which annoys her more.
She is unaware but others notice the change too so it isn't just me.
I avoid spending much time alone with her now as I don't know how to handle it..

.

Does she have family to whom you could mention your worries?

If these are MH incidents you are referring to you can probably think, 'this is the illness speaking' when she is nasty to you. Is she on medication? It's very wearing being with someone like that.. does she have other support? Maybe limit the time you spend with her.. but don't take it personally..

Could you say ' Please don't be rude to me . I am trying to be supportive." Hope things improve

Biscuitmuncher

Namsnanny she's had a health scare , which I think has obviously made her loose sleep, which seems to set her off. She had one episode during the pandemic. She's been ok for a while but I'm talking with her then she comes out with some absolute nonsense. I try and talk with her but she's quite strong willed anyway and she thinks it's everyone around her who is mad!

I had a very good friend for years and as soon as her husband become seriously ill she went from day to night. You couldn't have a conversation with her anymore as everything became a rant. I let go in the end as she actually upset me to the point I could not be in her company. You will need to decide what you can take and if you have your ownself and family to put first.

i think you should avoid her,

Namsnanny she's had a health scare , which I think has obviously made her loose sleep, which seems to set her off. She had one episode during the pandemic. She's been ok for a while but I'm talking with her then she comes out with some absolute nonsense. I try and talk with her but she's quite strong willed anyway and she thinks it's everyone around her who is mad!

Has your friend got dementia or another mental illness ? My mum had dementia and had three different moods crying jolly and very nasty. When she was nasty she was violent with me it broke my heart.
I am sure others on here can give you good advice too. My advice is see your friend less often and for a shorter time. I hope you find helpful ideas on here to deal with this.