Mistakes you may have made.

@annesixty
Apologies for my post. I read it as asking us our regrets !

I divorced when my dcs were late teenagers. When I met my now dh they had left home.
My dcs are now in their 40s , and myself and now dh moved about 15 years ago to an area we love.
However, dcs are now parents and busy lives so I don't see them as often as I'd like or if had remained in the area.

Very sympathetic as regards your situation, Ann, but you made your decisions with all the best intentions. As regards your "lodgers", why not just quietly sit down with them, and calmly explain how you're feeling about your current lifestyle, and how stressful you're finding it? Perhaps you could discuss some alternatives, which, as has already been mentioned, might even involve selling up and moving to somewhere which is more maintenance and upkeep friendly. They may even be able to help you finance that, both in the short and the longer term. Whatever the outcome, I would urge you to do what feels right for you. It's your life, and you're not your DGD's or DS's carer. If anything, they should be caring for you.

No I don’t think you made a mistake Ann. I would take a few days to recover and then work out what you really want.
I too am sending you a hug.

You didn’t make a mistake ann, you made the best decisions you could at the time. At the moment you’re exhausted, perhaps worried your home isn’t as you’d want it to be. It all seems too much.

Lots of suggestions here. Let yourself recover a bit from being away from home and have space to think through what would make staying put feel less of a burden.

My guess is your family have no idea how much you’re struggling. Could you ask your ‘lodgers’ to not only contribute more financially but to take some of the responsibility away from you? Let them organise a bit. I know cleaners aren’t the same as doing it ourselves, we’ve just begun to have cleaning help through an agency and I’m learning to appreciate what they do - a huge amount - rather than focus on what they don’t.

Rest a bit, recover some strength. There will be positives to sharing your home as well as the worries which seem overwhelming just now. You’ll find a way through once you feel a little stronger. A hug from me.

Do make sure that 'getting out' is what you really want, though.

Be honest and straightforward but don't give them the choice. This is the nub Ann I think.
Once you've had a valuation with a plan to actually sell after (say Christmas) I think you will see a future in the making.

We all make choices based on the information (and strength) we have at the time. Don't punish yourself for decisions made in the past. Start to plan your "get out" and it will lift your spirits I'm sure.

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Because living in a community that is only for older people doesn't interest me.

Also, at 68 and in good health at present, I don't want to be paying for services that I have no need of e.g. resident warden, call alarm, communal facilities, etc.

These properties are harder to sell as they can only be lived in by the over 55s or whatever, so the pool of potential buyers is much reduced.

Service charges apply to ordinary flats and have to be paid when you die until your relatives sell/rent it, but an ordinary flat would just go on the open market either for sale or rent.

Hello annsixty, good to hear from you. I’m sorry but not surprised you’re feeling tired. Give yourself a break, you didn’t make mistakes, life happened and you did what felt right at the time.
Do you have a close friend or relative to support you in the next phase? It feels .like time to find the one or two bed apartment that you can make your own. Put your house on the market, get the ball rolling x

You should not be burdened with worries about your house. While you have relatives living there its important you talk to them. You need to make it clear you would like them to contribute to the house hold. If they are not doing so already both financially and practically.
If the discussion occurs you could also ask them both of their future plans. If they agree to contributing you might feel more comfortable with the arrangement. Therefore less inclined to move to other accommodation.

correction
"Friend bought the flat for more than current market value 2 years before Covid".

Witzend

Wyllow3

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Purpose built retirement flats typically have very high maintenance charges and can be the very devil to sell after a resident has died or needed to move to a care home. The charges still have to be paid even if it takes a couple of years.

Oh, I know Witzend. Have a friend in one. Atm - they try to sell too high for the market is one of the reasons they are hard to sell. Friend bought the flat former than current market value 2 years before Covid.

For example, local McCarthy and Stone try to sell at £160-170.000 for spacious one bedroomed flat, and basically their market worth is currently more like £130-140.000. So in the end families put them on the market with Estate Agents and sell in normal time frame.

Point is, unless there was a lot more of supported social housing, there isn' t a lot of choice if you want high levels of support and pretty comfortable, well not locally anyway. Well, anywhere? I just reacted a bit against "perish the thought" when it can be a "needs must".

But I'm glad that you feel supported Ann and have thoughts to consider.

I wish you well annsixty in your decision making. You sound a very caring lady who loves her family very much. You’ve given them a good push off from the dock. Now it’s time to take stock and do what feels right for you. Whatever that entails. x

Thank you all for your interesting and frank advice.
I do have some thinking to do and hard choices to make.
I do not feel strong enough mentally to make drastic changes but must do something, anything, to make my life easier and less stressful.

You must be so tired; it sounds like time to make some changes, and include your family in talking about it. Perhaps they too can see that something needs to happen, but are waiting for you to speak. This won't be easy, but it seems like the moment has come.

Wyllow3

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Purpose built retirement flats typically have very high maintenance charges and can be the very devil to sell after a resident has died or needed to move to a care home. The charges still have to be paid even if it takes a couple of years.

Hithere

Annsixty

It is not too late to downsize and go to that apartment

I agree with this^^^, Ann.

In your position, I would decide that the time has now come to put myself and my current and future needs at the top of the list. If you don’t, you risk losing control of your own life, should something unexpected occur, a health event, say.

I’d start by getting the house valued with a view to selling and so you know how the financial side looks. I’d be open with my family about what I was doing and tell them they were on notice of having to make their own arrangements in the fairly near future.

They’re adults, whatever their circumstances, and must take responsibility for themselves.

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

kittylester

I can see the need to employ people,*ann*. That way you have control. However, your granddaughter and son should be contributing enough to enable that to happen.

Would you be happy without your granddaughter (in particular) being around so much?

I think makes practical sense

It's time for you to look after you.
Do what makes you happy. You're not responsible for your GD or son. Tell them you can't cope anymore and plan to sell up and buy an apartment then they can plan their future.
You'll get yourself down living as you are. Pluck up the courage and tell them now. It only has to be said once.
Good luck.

Just get an estate agent round and put your house on the market. Maybe you could use some of the funds to help your GD and Son to rent their own properties. Just tell them that you can no longer cope.. Be honest and straightforward but don't give them the choice.. at your age you need a peaceful, easy life.. good luck

It’s not a mistake you made ann it was circumstance, so don’t beat yourself up.
However, now things are different, as others have said, you must look after you as number one and an apartment move is still possible to enable an easier life.
It’s time for the family to help you, not for you to help others.

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

At 86 you shouldn't be responsible for your S and DGD.
I would move into an easily managed one bedroom flat and let them sort out their own living arrangements.
I hope you will have some more peaceful times ahead just looking after yourself 💐

Annsixty

It is not too late to downsize and go to that apartment