Mistakes you may have made.

We all make decisions which we come to regret later Ann and am sorry you are struggling a bit now.
Nothing I can say, but understand why you feel this way, hope tomorrow is a better day

Could you move to a 3 bedroom flat so less work indoors and no garden to worry about?
You say your DGD is helping. Is there a reason why your DS cannot take on more? It is a lot of work for you at your age and the younger adults living with you should be doing most of the work. It's not surprising you are tired and fed up.

I have just come back from 3 nights away with a friend.
It wasn’t relaxing or easy.
Maybe that is why I am so down.
I have already told her that I won’t be doing it again, only two nights nearer home and with a third person to take some of the flack.
It was very hard work.

I can see how it sort of slid into being what it is, annsixty and at each point you made "Best decision you could". How could you predict how it was to turn out?

Far from being a misery it sounds like you now very much need a way out for YOU to find a way of "rest of life" decisions so at last you get a break from caring for overwhelming house and rellies.

I can only say what I think you might do - which is to give rellies notice you are going to move into suitable flat, McCarthy and Stone, what suits. Talk to a friendly solicitor if it starts involving money stuff. If rellies need support - sounds likely - its doesn't have to be from you, forever.

Is ‘S’ your son, annsixty?
Are they both contributing financially to costs, and helping with housework and manageable maintenance (e.g. painting), and gardening?

If not, maybe it’s high time they did.
If they can’t or won’t, I’d be inclined to tell them that you’re sorry, but at 86 it’s just too much for you, and you’re going to sell. It’s bound to take months anyway, which would surely give them plenty of time to find alternative accommodation.

Though on 2nd thoughts maybe you should just tell them that anyway.

There should be no need for you to employ people to do gardening and household chores if the others sharing your home are able bodied. They should be helping you and not adding to your burdens .

Tell your DS and DGD that the house and garden are more than you can cope with and, if you are to enjoy your final years, you need to downsize.

Tell them that you intend to put the house on the market, say, after Christmas, this years growing season will soon be over and the garden will be put to bed and not need care by then, and that you hope to be in a new smaller home a few months later.

This gives you, your DS and DGD nearly a year to think, plan and organise the future.

I can see the need to employ people,*ann*. That way you have control. However, your granddaughter and son should be contributing enough to enable that to happen.

Would you be happy without your granddaughter (in particular) being around so much?

Yes Monica, I agree, and a good time scale..

annsixty you just sound worn out, you can't enjoy away breaks when you are. What you are feeling is entirely natural. Please try not to feel too guilty about making big decisions.

Annsixty

It is not too late to downsize and go to that apartment

At 86 you shouldn't be responsible for your S and DGD.
I would move into an easily managed one bedroom flat and let them sort out their own living arrangements.
I hope you will have some more peaceful times ahead just looking after yourself 💐

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

It’s not a mistake you made ann it was circumstance, so don’t beat yourself up.
However, now things are different, as others have said, you must look after you as number one and an apartment move is still possible to enable an easier life.
It’s time for the family to help you, not for you to help others.

Just get an estate agent round and put your house on the market. Maybe you could use some of the funds to help your GD and Son to rent their own properties. Just tell them that you can no longer cope.. Be honest and straightforward but don't give them the choice.. at your age you need a peaceful, easy life.. good luck

It's time for you to look after you.
Do what makes you happy. You're not responsible for your GD or son. Tell them you can't cope anymore and plan to sell up and buy an apartment then they can plan their future.
You'll get yourself down living as you are. Pluck up the courage and tell them now. It only has to be said once.
Good luck.

kittylester

I can see the need to employ people,*ann*. That way you have control. However, your granddaughter and son should be contributing enough to enable that to happen.

Would you be happy without your granddaughter (in particular) being around so much?

I think makes practical sense

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Hithere

Annsixty

It is not too late to downsize and go to that apartment

I agree with this^^^, Ann.

In your position, I would decide that the time has now come to put myself and my current and future needs at the top of the list. If you don’t, you risk losing control of your own life, should something unexpected occur, a health event, say.

I’d start by getting the house valued with a view to selling and so you know how the financial side looks. I’d be open with my family about what I was doing and tell them they were on notice of having to make their own arrangements in the fairly near future.

They’re adults, whatever their circumstances, and must take responsibility for themselves.

Wyllow3

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Purpose built retirement flats typically have very high maintenance charges and can be the very devil to sell after a resident has died or needed to move to a care home. The charges still have to be paid even if it takes a couple of years.

You must be so tired; it sounds like time to make some changes, and include your family in talking about it. Perhaps they too can see that something needs to happen, but are waiting for you to speak. This won't be easy, but it seems like the moment has come.

Thank you all for your interesting and frank advice.
I do have some thinking to do and hard choices to make.
I do not feel strong enough mentally to make drastic changes but must do something, anything, to make my life easier and less stressful.

I wish you well annsixty in your decision making. You sound a very caring lady who loves her family very much. You’ve given them a good push off from the dock. Now it’s time to take stock and do what feels right for you. Whatever that entails. x

Witzend

Wyllow3

Riverwalk

Not long after your husband died we've had 2-3 years of Covid restrictions and the fall-out of that, plus your son and DGD coming to live with you - a lot to cope with.

There's often the advice to NOT make quick decisions after bereavement but to see how the land lies - in your case family members then descended upon you! So you didn't really make a mistake, just events happened.

As for moving to a manageable flat - that's still doable for you. You don't have to move to sheltered accommodation for a certain age group - the ones that can have problems when it comes to selling once you're gone.

I live in a ground floor flat with my own small garden in a private development that is most certainly not for people of a certain age, perish the thought!

Sounds nice, but why perish the thought?

(I vary between what you describe and the one that might better meet personal need in thinking ‘next’) … why judgements?

Purpose built retirement flats typically have very high maintenance charges and can be the very devil to sell after a resident has died or needed to move to a care home. The charges still have to be paid even if it takes a couple of years.

Oh, I know Witzend. Have a friend in one. Atm - they try to sell too high for the market is one of the reasons they are hard to sell. Friend bought the flat former than current market value 2 years before Covid.

For example, local McCarthy and Stone try to sell at £160-170.000 for spacious one bedroomed flat, and basically their market worth is currently more like £130-140.000. So in the end families put them on the market with Estate Agents and sell in normal time frame.

Point is, unless there was a lot more of supported social housing, there isn' t a lot of choice if you want high levels of support and pretty comfortable, well not locally anyway. Well, anywhere? I just reacted a bit against "perish the thought" when it can be a "needs must".

But I'm glad that you feel supported Ann and have thoughts to consider.

correction
"Friend bought the flat for more than current market value 2 years before Covid".