Mistakes you may have made.

Thanks for the positive update annsixty. I do hope things go more smoothly for all of you. Multi generational living seems a good option

Totally agree with kitty, you’ve made an excellent decision ann. You’ll have your flat, but in your existing home. Your granddaughter understands, your son will too in time. Enjoy time away with your family and please, let them look after you. X

Some of the decisions of the past few years weren't yours to make though; covid for one, so don't blame yourself. Everyone is advising selling up and moving to an easier to care for flat, but is it really what you want? It is unwise to make life changing decisions when you are as tired as you sound. What about getting family around the table and tell them how you feel? Three of you live there so between you, the gardening and cleaning can be done, or paid for. It could be that your DGD and your DS are concerned about you but don't wish to hurt or offend you by suggesting you are not coping. It's worth a try? Call a conference over a takeaway .

You sound like a very lovely supportive and accommodating mother and grandmother, and all having your own and communal areas in your existing home is worth considering.
This has worked well for my brothers and dad over the last few years as dad’s health has declined, and at 96 he has two people who will cook and to a degree keep things clean and tidy, look after the finance’s, wash.

It’s good to read that things might be improving for your son. I hope things start to improve for you too.

AnnSixty, you deserve the break.
Embrace it with all you are and I hope that you return refreshed and revitalised.

Hope you enjoy your break annsixty

Enjoy your break with D and GC, hopefully all perspectives will be realised. You will be refreshed and revitalised. 💐

annsixty

Thank you all so much for reading and contributing.
It is so good to have one’s thoughts listened to and reading advice and suggestions.

I have had a conversation with my GD and she has actually taken on board what I have said.
My S has anxiety and depression and has been off work for 3 months, he is now to start a phased return which will be good for him and for me.
I am putting off the conversation with him for the time being.

I have decided that moving is not an option now.
The house is big enough for us to have our own space and I have plans to convert the dining room into a bedroom for me.
There is a shower room downstairs and I can be self sufficient on one floor.
My bedroom can then be used as a bed sit.

I have plans to go away with my D and adult GC for a week next week.
I had doubts about going but they have assured me I will be totally looked after so I think I shall go,?
I only see them once or twice a year.

Many many thanks to you all.
You have given me a boost to sit down and sort out my mind.

I'm glad you have made a decision and I bet you are relieved too.

In my opinion, this is a good way forward for you. I am so pleased.

Annsixty. You don't need this love. At your age you should be able to take things easy and try and enjoy your life, not having to worry about and deal with the problems of others. If you want to live in a smaller house then you should tell the others that you are going to sell and move. Tell them that they need to find a permanent home as you can no longer help. I know it's hard but once it has been done you can move forward with your life and hopefully you will be in a much happier place mentally.

Thank you all so much for reading and contributing.
It is so good to have one’s thoughts listened to and reading advice and suggestions.

I have had a conversation with my GD and she has actually taken on board what I have said.
My S has anxiety and depression and has been off work for 3 months, he is now to start a phased return which will be good for him and for me.
I am putting off the conversation with him for the time being.

I have decided that moving is not an option now.
The house is big enough for us to have our own space and I have plans to convert the dining room into a bedroom for me.
There is a shower room downstairs and I can be self sufficient on one floor.
My bedroom can then be used as a bed sit.

I have plans to go away with my D and adult GC for a week next week.
I had doubts about going but they have assured me I will be totally looked after so I think I shall go,?
I only see them once or twice a year.

Many many thanks to you all.
You have given me a boost to sit down and sort out my mind.

I think Hetty58's idea about each having your own areas and tasks is very good. Where I live there is a scheme where people (often without their own garden) look after someone's garden and grow fruit & veg etc, perhaps there is something similar where you live?

Don’t beat yourself up for decisions you have made in the past when you’ve been suffering from grief and possibly depression. It can’t be changed ….it’s done and it’s in the past.

It may turn out a blessing to have your son and granddaughter with you because once you have come to a decision that selling your house and moving to a new home which is far more suitable for your age and stage in life……and they realize that you are serious and you are going to do this…..then they are there on the spot alongside you to help you edit your your possessions and to give you support for the move.

But the first step is for you to believe that you want to do this and that you deserve to make this choice and then brighter days for you will be ahead for you.

Service charges have been mentioned several times.
This info might be of help to someone.
You can get service charges paid if you are on pension credit.
Several years ago I discovered this while sorting out a friends finances.

annsixty, from your comment:

'I do not feel strong enough mentally to make drastic changes but must do something, anything, to make my life easier and less stressful.'

- looks incompatible with moving house right now. You say your DGD and S can't move on at the moment either.

You could divide the house into separate areas for each person - not physically with walls/doors - but each of you could occupy some rooms and take responsibility for them - keeping out of others - with perhaps a shared living room. That way, you're only responsible for your part.

You could also divide tasks e.g. your son could hoover and clean the floors, your DGD could shop and cook. I assume they pay 'rent', probably not much, so it's only fair that they work in the house as well. Still, keep trying to find a cleaner.

My neighbour always had student au-pairs when her son was growing up. When he left, she continued that arrangement, now calling them 'housekeepers', yet still for a small 'wage', a room and food. Perhaps that might suit you?

You are contemplating some major changes AnnSixty but at a time when on your own admission you are feeling low. Why not have a conversation with the other 2 and see if a more satisfactory way forward can be reached without major upheaval. Why can they not make a more meaningful contribution to the running of the house? Practical or financial or both?
It's not a good time to be selling houses at the moment either so you could find yourself in the middle of a lot of unhappiness but still stuck in your house.
Family ties are important but they should be pulling their weight not somehow forcing you into an all or nothing situation.

Baggs

Just wishing you strength to do what needs done, ann. Too much on one's plate is hard. Take care of you. The young one can shift for themselves.

Agree.
AnnSixty for what it’s worth I think you have done the right thing.You just need to do less and delegate more.They clearly need your help and a home to live in but can do something to help around the house and garden.

Give them reasonable notice that you are planning on selling the house and moving to somewhere smaller because you cannot cope, be honest with them rather than trying to protect their feelings - they may be your relatives but they are not your responsibility, given they are grown adults, mental health issues or not. Many of us, me included, have mental health issues - it is not an excuse and you should not let it become one. Good luck annsixty and I hope you can resolve your problem x

Please take care of yourself. You have been through a lot.9

Just wishing you strength to do what needs done, ann. Too much on one's plate is hard. Take care of you. The young one can shift for themselves.

IDo you have any other family who could help?

Selling your house and moving to a flat will be best for you. It will also help the other two. They need to stand up for themselves. Good luck. It is worth it.

Please don’t think you made a mistake OP, you made a decision that was right at the time. But things change and you, as you say, have some other decisions to make. I think you’re maybe feeling low at the moment because the trip away wasn’t so good. Take a day or two, have a think and try to work out what’s best. You sound so lovely and caring and I know you’ll want what’s best for all of you, but I think it’s time to put yourself first. Take care and good luck.

I am wondering if your family members might suffer from mental health difficulties which makes it difficult for them to help as much as they could/should? I know when clinical depression hits me, it is so severe I am immobilised and unable to function or think positive in any way at all. However everything is understandably too much for you and as a very loving person you are putting the needs of your relatives before your own needs. No wonder you are feeling tired and down. My experience of depression is that it makes me horribly self absorbed, that being a very unwelcome aspect of depression. I am not unaware of others needs yet I don't have the energy to help them. It maybe that if MH is the issue family member/could/should seek help from GP/community mental health team. This might help them to sit down with you and hear about your needs and confront the need to move on and enable you to downsize when you are ready. Could you meantime spend time with friends who do not drain you as seems to have happened when you went away for a few days? Thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but Wyllow gives the same advice I would give. My own mother sold up and moved into a sheltered apartment very near to us. It was the best thing she ever did for her final years after dad died. She loved it. It was small but she had a cleaner and I took her shopping weekly. She made friends at the apartments and joined in lots of the social events. Covid came along and stopped that but nonetheless she was happy in her flat until she had falls and had to move into a care home. You’re younger than she was when she first moved into the flats but I would say don’t leave it too late.

Witzend - perfect response! Kids, no matter what age can be so self-centered that they forget mom is 86!

Time to move on! The sooner the better. Adult children need to grab ahold of themselves and get a new life. If I can do it and you or anyone else can do it - they can do it too.

annsixty - call the realtor and arrange for a moving truck. If kids don’t help you transition you might have to pay someone to clean out, clear out and pack up.

It’s going to be alright. You’ll see.
USA Gundy