Trying to find a way to say no to get together

My DH doesn’t want to go, and I’m not so keen either

That’s it in a nutshell. Neither of you really want to go. So don’t.

Thank them, but say you’ll pass this time, hope they have a lovely day.

You don't actually have to give a reason for turning down an invitation. I like theexwife's suggestion: "Thanks for the invite but we won't be coming, hope it goes well."

You could make it slightly less abrupt with phrases such as "Thank you so much for the invitation but we will have to turn it down. Have a lovely time. Hope to meet up soon."

Not being in the best of health is not an excuse - it's a valid reason for turning down an invitation. The fact you've previously used this reason doesn't make it any less legitimate

Agree 100% Being under the weather physically does not have to take "turns" and if your DH is not well he is unwell. I agree with the posters who say its best to be up front rather than make excuses.

I can think of the times when in work I arranged a night out of some kind and always asked the head of department. They in turn declined politely that they "were not really a clubber" or it wasnt "their sort of thing" and of course I understood. I know that family are different but the combination of your husbands poor health and your own nervousness of driving at night are perfectly adequate reasons which people need to understand.

it's not like jury service; you don't need an acceptable reason to be excused.
it's an offer, not an order.
good luck.

Just be honest. There are health issues and the fact that you need to get up during the night and worry about disturbing others.

don;t go into details.
protect your dignity.
you are not actually under any obligation here.

Just be honest, that it's a long way for you to come now that you don't travel so well. Wish them a happy day and ask that they keep you updated with some photos etc.

I agree you don't owe anybody any personal information

Happy birthday, Moonwatcher. 🎂

I hope this is resolved now. In the future, if you want to meet, how about a half way point between you, then no one has to drive far.

welbeck

thank you for asking us, but we are not up to it.
hope you all have a nice time.

I like this one best

Thankyou all. Yes a simple message like welbeck has said seems appropriate.

Obviously you don't have to go if you aren't up to it.

But I'm remembering that my late brother-in-law always regretted that he and my late DH didn't really get on as adults, having lived rather different lives. And he was obviously glad to receive visits in later life, and to feel that they were still brothers.

I'm not saying you need to go to a BBQ or stay the night. But the relationship may still be important to one of them. Perhaps you could arrange to meet somewhere halfway?

If you actually don’t want to go at all, then don’t. You can decline politely using one of the answers suggested, with or without explanations.

Or maybe if you want to go, you could manage a shorter time. If starts at 3.30, then 7.30 is a reasonable time to leave.

I fully understand why you feel it is a problem to stay with them, but it is not clear why staying in a hotel is not an option, either the night after or the night before.

Or simply decline, but suggest meeting half way at lunch time, on another date, especially as a shorter drive is better for you.

I would say no thank you lovely of you to ask us. I wouldn’t give any excuses you don’t have to divulge anything to anyone, you don’t sound miserable at all, the reasons are genuine reasons.

Dickens

If your DH is not in the best of health and doesn't want to go then I don't see why you shouldn't simply say that he doesn't feel up to it.

Not being in the best of health is not an excuse - it's a valid reason for turning down an invitation. The fact you've previously used this reason doesn't make it any less legitimate. I would just be upfront and tell your BIL that your DH just doesn't feel well enough for the journey or the visit.

As you get older and things start to go wrong health wise it's often the case that you need the comfort and security of your own home. And, life is too short to fill it with doing things you don't want to do!

Just tell the truth - as near as damn it in a polite but firm way... rather than look for another 'reason' or 'excuse' not to go.

... and - happy birthday for tomorrow, which is almost here! .

Exactly this! Happy Birthday! 🎉🎂🥳

Once you have used the straight forward reason given above and recommended by all for not going - send them some flowers. That should surprise and delight them and think how kind and thoughtful you are.

I should have added at the beginning that it was a get together with his brother and 4 sisters. They are all half siblings because my DH was adopted and we only found them 6 years ago. There is nowhere nearby to stay for a night.

Absolutely agree with everyone else on the "not feeling in the best of health these days" is a perfectly reasonable excuse, I'd just couch a reply along those terms but at the same time wish them all a lovely afternoon. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it OP not wanting to stay in someone else's home when you are up several times in the night is a good enough reason, and as you say, your husband isn't in the best of health and no one else can know how be feels.

I would go to it but be honest and say you want to leave by 8.30 to get home before dark, lots of older people have probs with driving at night.Also be honest about not wanting to stay overnight.Sounds like an important get together.

Having read your recent reply , it sounds like an important get together. So I would go and leave early say at 7 before it gets dark . I don’t know how old your DH s siblings are or if they’re in good health . But no one knows what’s around the corner , so I would make the most of family time . Also if you’re having a good time , it takes your mind off any health issues .
I find if I’m not looking forward to an event , I end up having a really good time .

50 miles is not far, tbh. If you don't want to go, just say you are not up to it. Just be aware that they may not take it well (as it is not far and you could stay in a B&B or Hôtel)- and that it may affect your future relationship. Fair enough.

If it seems like an ordeal (rather than a treat) - please don't go just to be polite - that's madness. Be honest, say no but suggest an alternative, like meeting, soon, for lunch half way.

(and) I suspect a relative regularly invites me out of 'duty', I go because she expects me to - and neither of us enjoys it!

V3ra

On another occasion if your husband and his brother would like to meet up still, and it's not possible for you to host them in your flat, could they travel to you and all have lunch in a local restaurant instead?

This.

Tell the truth about why you cannot come, and suggest what IS do-able.

That is, if you do really want to keep up with them. But unless there are good reasons, it's probably best in many families to keep in touch in do-able ways.

I've just gone on a "bite of more than I can chew" family visit and will simply have to be honest next time.

Once you have given your reasons for not meeting in person, maybe set up a zoom call for all the siblings?

Zoom was an excellent compensation during Lockdown when we couldn't meet in person. It's still useful occasionally.