Trying to find a way to say no to get together

Hello, be honest and say no, blame hubby and say you're not well either. I'm 49 and am mum's carer who is 81 in a couple of months time. As long as I can remember, her life has been controlled by her bowels! We have to laugh otherwise we'd cry. All down to pills, each pill has a side effect, tiredness, squits, bunged up, dry mouth, headaches etc. She has pills for her various issues and bowels are side effects! WHEREVER we go we think of taking clobber for just in case. When Covid came her bladder got worse and now, don't get me started re weeing! Yes, been to Dr's and now they saying it's her kidneys (after a year of ignoring and not believing her, anti virals, antibiotics.....) I'm a worrier, stressed, p*ssed off etc, mum says "don't worry!"

So sorry, my rant over, BUT I DO understand. I would tell family NO, just don't feel up to it and you'll have a fabulous time. Besides, why SHOULD you have to go if you dont want to? There shouldn't be any negativity if you genuinely don't want to go.

We’d go. It’s only 50 miles away and if you set off after lunch
you can be back home by 10pm. Our families are aging and there won’t be that many get together in the future.You might enjoy it. Do they have a downstairs loo?

I understand exactly how you feel. My DH’s brother had a 60th birthday party last month and unfortunately my DH loves parties especially family party’s even though he’s 74 now and got dementia and can no longer drive, so it’s all on me and we live an hour away and I don’t like driving at night. My heart sinks every time we get any sort of party invite through the post as I’ve never like parties even as a child and I hate them more as an adult, my husband made me hate his family ones as he never stays with me, he mingles all evening as if he’s the host of every party we’ve ever been too, I’m stuck sitting with someone who I hardly know and see once in a blue moon and quite frankly don’t particularly want to know (yes I sound antisocial, but I’m happy that way) so a while ago after the last boring party I went to and was as usual the designated driver I was sitting there thinking 🤔’what am I doing’, I have numerous quite serious health problems that mean when I go out anywhere it always takes me at least 2/3 days to get over a night out, I’m always irritable before I go and the days after until I’ve recovered and DH ignores me all evening apart from getting me the odd soft drink, so I made it perfectly clear to him if he wants to go to anymore parties or funerals or opening of envelopes etc especially his family parties he would have to do it without me and find his own way there and back. That’s exactly what he did, he asked our DS to take him, otherwise he was going to catch a bus and stay overnight at his brothers. I texted his DB to say sorry I wouldn’t be attending but DH would be and maybe they can come over to a local pub near us for lunch when they are available. I didn’t make any excuses as I’ve decided my life is too short to spend it doing things for others which I’ve always done, to be doing things that make me miserable nowadays. Personally I would just text them if I were you and say sorry your unavailable but would love to lunch out at a pub near you in the near future because you don’t drive far anymore when you’re all free. When you go just briefly say neither of you are up for parties, barbecues etc from now on but you’d like to have lunch out occasionally, that way there is an honest conversation on the subject but I certainly wouldn’t lose sleep over it now.

Construct your regrets in a way that you don’t shut off any future invitations and to keep good communication channels open with family.

I would just say “thank you so much for the invitation, but we are not able to come this time due to…” (choose your words here…)
1) current / previous
2) situation / commitment / plans
“but would love to have a rain check for a future get together. We’ll be thinking of you. Hope all is well with everyone. Have a wonderful time. Thank you for thinking of us.”

Just because you don’t want to or can’t go for health reasons, inconvenience, driving, etc don’t make your regrets sound too ungrateful - meaning you DID appreciate being included.

Well, just because you said you aren't well last time, it does not mean that the excuse - reason, rather - is only good for one time. Isn't it better to tell the truth, rather than hedge about. "We are not coming, because we are not up to it." No need for explanations - you do not owe them any. If they press you for a reason, hint that they are being rude.

I tend to agree with Casdon - try to go - find a b&b or hotel nearby - leave when you want to - you might enjoy it anyway- I think as we get older, we do need to try to keep socialising as long as possible- after all- it’s not that far is it? And if you stay somewhere you’ll be driving while it’s light. Go on - you might surprise yourselves. Good luck. Happy Birthday xx

Could you perhaps drive towards home that night and stay over at the motorway service station to break your journey till the morning? I find that Travelodge and similar used like this are great for convenience and comfort.

Gundy

Construct your regrets in a way that you don’t shut off any future invitations and to keep good communication channels open with family.

I would just say “thank you so much for the invitation, but we are not able to come this time due to…” (choose your words here…)
1) current / previous
2) situation / commitment / plans
“but would love to have a rain check for a future get together. We’ll be thinking of you. Hope all is well with everyone. Have a wonderful time. Thank you for thinking of us.”

Just because you don’t want to or can’t go for health reasons, inconvenience, driving, etc don’t make your regrets sound too ungrateful - meaning you DID appreciate being included.

I agree with this!

I dont know if this happens to anyone else, but I often mildly dread events like family barbeques, particularly if it involves driving, and I dont want to go. Usually I make myself turn up in the interests of preserving family ties, and quite often I find its nowhere near as bad as I anticipated. Its also a great relief and a bit of an achievement when its all over. Personally I think I need to keep driving or I will lose the ability (I am 70) and interacting with other people is probably better for my brain than sitting on the sofa watching TV at home. Getting a bit out of my comfort zone is no bad thing either. Plus on a more selfish note you never know when you might need your family. So in your position I would go to the barbeque and leave at 7 to get home before it gets dark. Once home I would make myself a big mug of hot chocolate as a reward. The only exception would be if I was actually putting myself (or other people) in danger by driving, for example in full darkness, if I couldnt see well enough.

I would tell them the truth …that You aren’t in the best of health …perhaps You could send a small gift saying you hope they have a lovely time …Flowers perhaps

I've had a similar problem this week. Daughter and family have booked 2 nights in a lovely BandB with a spa.I said I didn't want to go with them for health reasons but she booked it anyway and said I could sit and read or sunbathe.
I asked my ex if he would like the room but he doesn't feel well either so I told her again tonight I wouldn't go.
I feel relieved now and will see them at the weekend on their way home.

His brother texted him again earlier to ask him what should he tell his sister why we weren't going. I told DH to tell him to grow a pair and tell her the truth. He didn't of course. Why can't people just accept what you say to them.

Moonwatcher1904

His brother texted him again earlier to ask him what should he tell his sister why we weren't going. I told DH to tell him to grow a pair and tell her the truth. He didn't of course. Why can't people just accept what you say to them.

Why can't people just accept what you say to them.

Absolutely.

It really bugs me when people try to coerce you into doing something that you have told them you can't do by trying to make you feel guilty.

I think you have to be quite firm and say that you really are not up to it and that you don't want to discuss the matter further. Family or not, people should respect your decision.

I have learned not to let others pressure me into doing things that make me uncomfortable or cause me stress. If you are not in the best of health, such occasions can be very debilitating.

If you graciously decline the invitation and it's not accepted, then that is their problem, not yours.

no wonder you, and husband, don't want to go, OP.
i wouldn't either.

Gundys reply is good.

In these circumstances I would definitely not want to drive and do it in one day, (100 miles there and back). Staying overnight not an option either with frequent loo trips an issue. I have these same concerns.
I would plead health and age related driving. Surely your family will understand the driving concern especially.

it's all been dealt with, the OP's husband has declined.

Moonwatcher1904

His brother texted him again earlier to ask him what should he tell his sister why we weren't going. I told DH to tell him to grow a pair and tell her the truth. He didn't of course. Why can't people just accept what you say to them.

That 'famous' Mumsnet answer is a good stand-by: "This doesn't work for us".

I've used "That doesn't suit us" successfully. If anyone asked why I either wouldn't answer (which means it's none of their business) or repeat the same. Anyone who doesn't 'get it' is just being dense or rude.

Just remembered what Mr Darcy said to his friend after that dreadful 'interview' with Elizabeth: "You will excuse me."

Well we haven't had anymore questions from his brother today about this bbq at the weekend so a bit of a relief but I don't think we've heard the last about it. However, the day has not gone well at all for me. Some of you may know my posts from the Estrangement forum about my eldest daughter. We got back on track and all was good. She went with a friend to Scotland last week and brought back loads of different foods from Tunnocks in Glasgow. She got me a bagful of things which was brill. Yesterday she emailed me with a link to print off some stuff to help her get a flat so I did it and she came to pick it up in the afternoon. She came in and didn't stay but looked angry and went. I didn't know what was up. She phoned me later to ask if she could come this morning to print some bank statements. So we got up earlier than usual as I said I had a dentist appointment at lunchtime. I got a text from her saying she wasn't coming and some garbled message about a begging bowl. Not sure what that was about.
I went to the dentist in April to have 2 teeth out and had an appointment today to go and get fitted for a bottom denture as I'm fed up of having gaps. (I look like a toothless old dear). Then the dentist rang up to say the appointment was cancelled. I told the receptionist I was disappointed as I'd been waiting for this to get sorted. She said she was sorry and remade me an appointment. FOR NOVEMBER. I am gutted to say the least.
So after being angry about that I get another text from my DD about me lying to her. I don't know what about and mentioned a birthday card she had seen on the side which her sister had sent with a photo on it of us both. I now think I'm back to square one with her just when I thought we were sorted.
I'm bl***y fed up with the whole lot of it. Sorry for venting my anger on you all but I value your comments and replies.

Can you ask your DD what she's upset about as you don't understand?

I could ask FarNorth but if the last time is anything to go by she will either not reply or send me a torrent of abuse which will probably upset me more. I can't deal with all this nowadays. She seems to forget that I've just turned 71 and my DH is retired through ill health.