FOMO

I don’t understand me so would never expect others to understand me I m very open and friendly and would chat to anyone about anything but as Bevsec said
I have always felt i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care!
I do most things on my own but chat away with whoever’s around (so not really on my own) however I don’t belong to any groups The last one I did belong to, has a group chat and only the other day someone put up a post more or less accusing others of ignoring her, pushing her out and not inviting her to arranged things , there were then reams of reply’s defending themselves (wasn’t me gov ) and trying to reassure her (oh you’re lovely no one could not to want to talk to you or invite you to xxx) and I realised how much better off I was not fitting in

There’s a lot of good advice here, especially BevSec’s.
It takes a lot to act casually and pleasantly enquire about trips and events where you’ve been excluded, but it does help you come to terms with your feelings.
These things often happen where groups are involved and often appears to be very immature behaviour. It can be even more hurtful when a valued friend joins in ‘the group’ and excludes you.
I have noticed that these intense groups often implode due to the characters of the members.
Take care of and value yourself. Time heals.

If you belong to a club and its a club outing then yes you would expect to receive an invitation. The club organiser has to ask you if you want to go, as you are all members. However friendship groups are quite different. A person thinks they would like to do something and that they would like some company. So they do not include everyone in their friendship network. They just catch up with the one or two that are easy to get hold of either by phone or text. Or maybe they think that someone would enjoy the activity because she has an interest in it. They are not going to ask their whole friendship group. I might ask one friend if I am going to the cinema, two friends if I am gong to a garden center etc. If I am going to a painting class I may offer to give someone a lift home if they do not live far away but I never ask people if they would like a lift to an event I am not prepared to become a taxi service. So we are all different. I like the University of the Third Age u3a, because events are once a month, you choose which ones you attend, you never feel left out and its up to you to make friends etc.
If you do go to a counselor hopefully she will encourage you to take more social initiatives not wait to be asked.

I read something that really helped me as I struggle with feeling this way sometimes. It basically said be casual, if asked go and have fun, but if not it doesnt matter. It has changed my attitude, I now live in the moment with friends and feel the pressure is off.

I have always felt .i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care! A lot of people seem to feel this way when reading threads.

Thank you all for your thoughts 🥰

Are you friendly enough with one or two of the people who went on the trip to invite them for a coffee? You could just mention that you heard about a trip to XXX and did either of them go? Be thrilled for them and ask them about it without it sounding like you were missing out. (Or commiserate if they had a bad time.) Don't make them feel that they did something wrong because they didn't. Don't ask pointed questions about who organised it, and who decided who would be invited, or why you weren't invited. Then just mention that you would love to go there and if anyone fancied going back at any time you would really enjoy the trip. Maybe they will then think to ask you about any future trips.

You may find out that these weren't formally planned, organised trips but just came about between a group of people who had coffee together and decided on the spur of the moment to do something one of them wanted to do and there was no question of inviting others.

Thank you Applegran

It is horrible to be socially excluded. Especially if we put value on being popular. Or are in an environment where we can't easily get away from the other people involved.

It is difficult to know why we are not invited to events or do not become part of in groups. It may be happenstance, or for something about us that we can't change or because of the aspirations, fears, vanity etc of the people who are in the "in" group, which are human weaknesses we all share to some degree.

It is best to accept if people do not want to be close friends, to try to be a thoughtful, kind person to everybody ourselves and not judge ourselves harshly because of what others think about us. Or what we imagine they think.

Most of us can find activities we can enjoy on our own....join in communal events and activities that are open to all...find one or two friends who are right for us and our circumstances, whom we will enjoy being with and who will want to be with us.

I think your feelings of hurt and distress are justifiable. Unfortunately they are very normal and most people will feel them at some point in our lives. These feelings are horrid. But I expect they will pass.

Hugs from me and many other people here, I would think.

Cid24 I feel for you - I can see that you know that in many ways this is about your own thoughts and feelings and not really about what these people are doing. But that does not stop you feeling hurt. I think it is a good way ahead to find counselling - we all have 'stuff' to learn about ourselves and free ourselves from things which cause us distress. I am sending you a hug! You are OK - and getting support is a sensible path ahead.

Unless its a dinner party with x number of nominated places you can always rock up with a bottle of wine.

"Oh I saw your posting on farcebook. I just assumed it was a general invitation"

When I moved into my first flat my underneath neighbours put a note through my door warning me of a party the following evening. I rocked up with a bottle of wine and a "I got your note. Thanks for the invite." The neighbour looked a bt surprised but obviously she was not going to remember exactly what she wrote to fail to ask me in. I later became quite good friends with her and another couple I met at the party.

Try being a bit more pushy if its important to you to participate. Now I would not go to a party if you paid me,

BlueBelle

Why can’t people write what they want you to read instead of talking in alphabet soup 😥never heard of FOMO
I think it’s a non problem groups are always like this there is invariably someone who invites some and not others ,and break away groups and cliques it always happens.
I ve never thought I needed counselling though
Just don’t take it to heart It always happens in groups I d just accept it and make new friends if it’s bugging you that much

Agreed. It always happens and has happened from the dawn of time, no one made a fuss about it before the time of social media. No need for alphabet soup either, not every one spends every waking moment on tweeters, insta Grammies and facebooks.

LovesBach

@LovesBach

It's not FOBI (Fear Of Being Included), it's
JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out),
something I'm afflicted with myself 🤣

LovesBach

I suffer from FOBI - fear of being included.

🤣🤣🤣

It can’t just me that struggles to know what things mean. FOMO ? Fear of missing out so why not say that ? Sometimes I ponder for ages to try to sort out what the letters mean. Grand net is particularly bad for this, I feel as if I have joined a club that everyone but me knows acronyms.

Loves Bach: Me too, I just let everyone get on with it and keep out of it. I couldn't care less what everyone else does.

LovesBach

I suffer from FOBI - fear of being included.

That made me laugh , yes me too sometimes 😅

It doesn't matter how old you get , cliques and groups always form and their behaviour will always take one straight back to the school playground .
I can see why you're feeling sensitive about this , it stings to be excluded , why do people have to be so horrible .

I suffer from FOBI - fear of being included.

Counselling 😱 seriously?
A while back you posted that you and your husband were becoming more and more anti social. Maybe the group’s attitude stems from that.

Cid24. Ru 24 yrs of age- why would thinking about going to counselling of friends not inviting you … maybe as you wrote a self esteem issue and perhaps counselling can help with this..

Why can’t people write what they want you to read instead of talking in alphabet soup 😥never heard of FOMO
I think it’s a non problem groups are always like this there is invariably someone who invites some and not others ,and break away groups and cliques it always happens.
I ve never thought I needed counselling though
Just don’t take it to heart It always happens in groups I d just accept it and make new friends if it’s bugging you that much

I know about these activities via various other people. I don’t want to divulge too much as I’m afraid I’ll be identified. I am very proactive and often invite people to my house and arrange lots of activities. There’s very much an “ in crowd” of people in this group that I like , but am on the periphery. They are the ones who have formed this group that do things. I accepted that this was something they had organised as part of their group and I was ok with that. I have since heard that three others who are not part of the “ in crowd” have been invited to something they are doing. And I’m hurt I’ve not been.
I guess this might be down to lack of self esteem in my part , and also maybe a bit pompous too. Uncomfortable feelings. Might go for counselling to sort this out. Am not proud of how I’m feeling , but it continues to eat away at me. Interesting to hear other people’s views on this, thank you .

Do you organise group activities for other people?

After they come to your activities they almost certainly invite you back to theirs.

If you don’t organise any group activities you can hardly expect to just piggyback on other’s efforts.

Are you close to one of the people in the group? If so ask why you are not invited to some activities.