FOMO

Thank you for your thoughts everyone , I appreciate you taking the time to reply. 😊

Cid24

I’m really struggling with this at the moment! Activities of groups of people I know that I’ve not been included in. I’m jealous and it’s not a nice feeling!
What can I do to to get over this?

I've no advice, but I'm sorry you're jealous and struggling.

We're all different, some do care what others think. You say "Might go for counselling to sort this out." - Good idea, I'd think.

I don't decry the young for text speak, although I don't think many use it now that texts can be as long as we like.

Each to her own, but you could equally say that 'DH' is lazy speak or trying to fit in. Dear Husband takes less time to type out than 'fear of missing out', yet it is in widespread use. Why should no-one have to google something they don't understand, if doing so allows them to make sense of a post and will help them to understand another that uses that terminology? It's no different from using a dictionary to expand your vocabulary, and FOMO is a widely-used acronym.

This was a serious question from a concerned poster, and it feels (to me) that picking on the way she expressed it is unkind.

As for acronyms - they are easily googled, so nobody need feel excluded by them
Doodlebug these initials are not in the list given on here and no one should have to google to have a conversation for goodness sake, is it lazy speak or maybe trying to be trendy but then we decry the young for using txt speak !!! 😂 takes two seconds to write ‘Fear of missing out’ and can be understood by all

I decided from school age I didnt want to be going around with any in crowd. I dont like their attitude in general, and concluded that any group of people that did that even in later life, would not be people that I wanted to be good friends with long term.

This thread has made me think. I live very rural, and if there is an in crowd around here, I do not even know of it's existence!

People here of different ages tend to rub along. As all the groups never have enough people. So if people did not get on, the activity would soon cease to exist.

Let them get on with it. I do if it happens to me. Do something nice for yourself, then enjoy telling them about it, next time you see them.

MarathonRunner

It doesn't matter how old you get , cliques and groups always form and their behaviour will always take one straight back to the school playground .
I can see why you're feeling sensitive about this , it stings to be excluded , why do people have to be so horrible .

This.

But that’s the people, not the group itself. The meetings are for everyone. Nobody can expect to be included in everything that every friend does with her other friends, and although this particular person doesn’t sound very nice she doesn’t represent the group as a whole. I’m not in the U3A, but know people who are, and they have a great time. There will be separate friendship groups within that, but over time any member is likely to join or form some of those, and in the meantime there are lots of classes and clubs to attend.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

How some responses have resonated with me; I too have never felt that I fitted in anywhere, but somehow it hasn't mattered that much. Some good friends and a lovely family, so many blessings, but Lord Byron's words describe social situations:
' I stood among them, but not of them, in a shroud of thoughts that were not their thoughts'. That's it - perfectly.

Cid24

I know about these activities via various other people. I don’t want to divulge too much as I’m afraid I’ll be identified. I am very proactive and often invite people to my house and arrange lots of activities. There’s very much an “ in crowd” of people in this group that I like , but am on the periphery. They are the ones who have formed this group that do things. I accepted that this was something they had organised as part of their group and I was ok with that. I have since heard that three others who are not part of the “ in crowd” have been invited to something they are doing. And I’m hurt I’ve not been.
I guess this might be down to lack of self esteem in my part , and also maybe a bit pompous too. Uncomfortable feelings. Might go for counselling to sort this out. Am not proud of how I’m feeling , but it continues to eat away at me. Interesting to hear other people’s views on this, thank you .

I got confused about this thread from the start. For a variety of reasons.
And I have not been feeling well, so only now feel like attempting some sort of response.

Firstly, I run away from "in crowd" situations. Have done for years. I am not a natural "in crowd person" anyway. Plus I personally could not cope with all the angst involved with it all. Which doesnt at all mean no friends.

Second. I didnt properly know what the term was. And even now I do I am not sure it is the right expression?
Someone recently said to me she was going on holiday for fear of missing out. In her case she may have meant just that. But is it, and in your case too, rather more a fear of losing out? Or fear of being outside of things?

Which rather comes back to
In your case, and others, yes like the individuals, and like other people, but don't try to be included in the "in crowd"?

Apologies if this is coming out garbled. Or if the points have already been made and better worded, earlier in this thread.

It is has never occurred to me to notice whether I am missing out or joining in. I just do what seems appropriate at the tme.

I get this, not nice, similar happened to me when my kids were small, just when I really needed to have some sort of social life. Things had been sort of ok until the wife of a high profile person (won't give details) moved to the area and sent their child to our local school and there was a huge flurry of excitement as everyone wanted to be in a social set that revolved around her. My friend and I found ourselves more and more sidelined as other aquaintences started to drop the things we used to do and hang on to the edges of this new in-crowd instead. Some quite unpleasent things happened, for example they all signed up to a particular keep fit class so nobody else could get in and then they all stopped going on the same day so the person who ran it had no clients. It's only amusing looking back, it wasn't at the time. Anyway, not to be deterred, my friend and i advertised on the local social media group, think it was called Streetlife back then, and set up a monthly 'girls night out' at the local pub for local women who wanted to meet new local people - and it was really fun! This is always an option if you feel you are missing out. However, unfortunately for us, after a few months, the in-crowd heard we were having fun and started turning up en-mass. They ignored those of us who had been organising and attending the evenings out, complained loudly about the pub and started using the 'girls night out' handle to post up other 'more classy' venues and activities - which meant people had to travel further, get lifts, taxis etc and go to expensive places where you had to dress up. The whole point of being a friendly and inclusive, casual and within walking distance, way of meeting other local women disappeared and it fell apart. I guess it was still worth doing, as we got to know some new people and broadened our horizons. I think it's hard to find you are on the periphery and possibly missing out. Hope you can find or create something that makes you feel more included.

LovesBach

I suffer from FOBI - fear of being included.

Me too! 😍

Another square peg here. I have learnt to be more proactive and say that sounds great, I’d love to go next time if possible. If no invitation is forthcoming then I mention a visit I’m planning myself and would love company if anyone is interested. Cinema trips are popular. Good luck. X

MarathonRunner

It doesn't matter how old you get , cliques and groups always form and their behaviour will always take one straight back to the school playground .
I can see why you're feeling sensitive about this , it stings to be excluded , why do people have to be so horrible .

I agree, part of life. do your best to ask, stay brave. but I'd seek one more new group/class or something?

So sorry you’re feeling miserable because of this. It really is like going back into the playground isn’t it? I’ve always tried to fit in but never really have. I decided a long time ago that life’s too short to worry about it. I love my own company and that of my DH and lovely family. Yes, I have one or two good friends, I go to places or events where I know I’ll be made to feel welcome, but groups of catty women just don’t do it for me.
If you really do want to be involved with this group, do the inviting instead of waiting to be asked. I hope you’ll take comfort in knowing you’re not a “one off”. It happens to others too! 💐

We're all different. Some people are more sociable than others, so prefer to be invited to things, whereas others are happier in their own company. If the OP would like a more active social life, there's nothing wrong with that just because others may not.

Cid24, I think that the point about 'clubs' rather than looser networks is a good one. If you join something (eg NWR, U3A, Lions or Rotary) you will automatically be included in things, and the chances are you will make friends there who will invite you to other things. As often as not, unless you are in a big city, it will be a similar group of people in all of them anyway .

As for acronyms - they are easily googled, so nobody need feel excluded by them.

DeeJaysMum

@LovesBach

It's not FOBI (Fear Of Being Included), it's
JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out),
something I'm afflicted with myself 🤣

I'm totally with you on this! Especially as I get older. When I was younger I would force myself to attend events because I thought that's what I 'should' be doing. These days I just can't be bothered trying to 'fit in' or 'do the right thing'. I'd much prefer to just not be invited! 🙂

Cid24 - I do feel that you are taking things to heart too much. Try to look on any interaction as a bonus, get on with your life and always appear interested and enthusiastic about what people have been up to - with or without you!

BevSec

I read something that really helped me as I struggle with feeling this way sometimes. It basically said be casual, if asked go and have fun, but if not it doesnt matter. It has changed my attitude, I now live in the moment with friends and feel the pressure is off.

I have always felt .i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care! A lot of people seem to feel this way when reading threads.

I’ve always felt a square peg in a round hole. Like others on here I now don’t really care. I have my family and a few good friends and that good enough for me. Try not to feel hurt OP, easier said than done I know, and organise something for yourself that you love to do. Take care.

If you want to be with them all then orchestrate something yourself, it's simply the only way you can keep control. Other than that just accept that you wont always be included in everything others do. Turn it round that they missed out by not having your company. It's them that lost out. I am sorry your feelings have been hurt though.

I enjoy being invited - but declining. People are really surprised if I actually want to join in. Still, I do like to know what the others are doing.

Sometimes people think you are very busy,maybe you mentioned things you do with your family etc. or maybe think
you are not interested.Don’t fret,do something special you have always thought you’d like to do——— could you sign on for a class or exercise group and maybe meet a few new people,
maybe volunteer where you would meet lovely kind people.
Good luck,don’t feel sad.

I think it’s quite normal to sometimes have these feelings. It’s only a problem if it starts to take over or becomes an obsession. If you have other friends in different groups then arrange some things with them to do and give yourself some space. If it’s really becoming a problem then you could speak to the “friendliest” group member about how you’re feeling. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up 😊