As we age do we lose interest in keeping in touch with friends and relatives?

Things do change over the years. We moved 5 years ago and one of the attractions of the house was that one of my friends who I’d known for over 40 years lived in the same street, We had never lived in each others pockets but it was nice to think there was a friendly face living nearby.
Then covid came ……. and went. We’d have snatched conversations if she was out the the front when I passed her house - we always finish by saying we’d have that get together sometime but it never happened, my friend used to complain she was always tired as she worked full time so I didn’t push it.
She retired 18 months ago - one day I realised another two years had passed.
Then out of the blue my friend emailed me and we went out for that long awaited meal last week, we had a lovely time catching up - all we can do is keep ourselves busy (if that’s what we want) and ‘go with the flow’, I don’t think it’s a good idea to pressurise people.

Life changes and friendships come and go, depending how those changes fit both parties

As we get older we get more tired and not so well - I guess that it's an effort .

The other day , a relative phoned me and I had a relentless hour of his illnesses -demanding advice .

I've heard it all before .
He was actually shouting on the phone .

Illness is all I hear from some of my friends . I dread the calls and texts - let alone meeting up for yet another session .

I'm not in great health myself and I like forget it .

I'm really fortunate in having a lot of friends and most of them are younger and fitter than I am .
I'm either the same age as their mothers or their grandmothers .

It's not deliberate , but I guess that their company is so rejuvenating and fun .

I want to laugh , make jokes , enjoy films , books and going out .

We used to be very close to a couple. We would all go out for dinner every month or so or just meet up for a coffee. Then one of them was taken quite poorly but we still kept in touch and often visited them in the lengthy stay that they were in hospital as the hospital was. nearer to us than their own home. I used to take the laundry home to save his wife the trouble as she was still working at the time, I baked little treats for him and we always made sure he wanted for nothing.

Fast forward a couple of years, he had made a great recovery and we would visit them at home, often taking them both out for lunch.

Then two years ago I was taken very poorly; we had to cancel a lunchtime meeting with them due to me being in hospital - they made no attempt to visit, never sent a single message and have never phoned to see how we both are.

Am I in a hurry to see them again? Not likely!!!

we are all in a process of change with either yourself or others , I have a friend of 20 years , and whether it is mental decline but the 'something' we had is slipping away ,
ive let people and environments go in the past and not regretted any one them.

I find I'm not 'social' anymore. I'm disabled (legs don't work). I have a partner who works part time but I like being alone, always the same. I did have friends when I worked but I'm just not bothered now. If people come to see me I've had enough after an hour.

We have a particular pair of truly loved old friends. We get to see them about once a year now.
They only live half an hour away.

We love each other and laugh till we weep (!) Whenever we meet we all really enjoy our time together - each time we say "let's not leave it so long next time" - but we do.

They are a couple so perfectly aligned with us. We have similar life trajectories, similar political views and find the same things funny. We can laugh - but also cry together.
It is a joy knowing them.

But... they are only half an hour away - and so, there's always next week, and then the next.

People vary so much. My late brother-in-law took early retirement at 60, and promptly decided he was old. He and his wife had lived in various places for his work, but they retired to their home town and more or less stopped travelling further than about 25 miles. They made a good life there but saw little of their three adult sons and brother (my DH) who all lived hundreds of miles away. But they seemed content.

I think a lot of us reach that can’t be bothered stage at some point, and maybe contact has diminished as they know you would want to make plans to see them and they do not want to say that.

It is such a shame that after such a long friendship they cannot speak to you about it.

I wrote a similar thread a few weeks ago about our friends.I got fed up of chasing them so waited for them to contact us, it took about two months, they then instigated a day out.
We had a good day, although they seem more tired and weary than us, the only thing I can put it down to they are now grandparents and doing two days a week for their 18 month grandchild. We’re not like that even though we have lots going on.
People are very different in their approach to these things.I don’t think we’ll be seeing much of them now, which makes us sad.

There could be many reasons for this you say they both have had ill health, that in itself can turn life in a 360° turn, they maybe looking after their GC, maybe this, maybe that. Obviously the only person with answers are them, if that were me and I came to the realisation that things were changing in the relationship I would most certainly be in touch to delicately explain my concern and see if the needed help with anything, there are so many reasons to what it could be, or maybe they didn't realise that things were changing.

Years ago I was embroiled in a situation and a friend of mine pulled me up that I was distant with her, I truthfully hadn't realised that I was and until she put me in the picture. So maybe its a similar case.

All you can do is make contact....

Everything changes, doesn't it, as we go through life - people we once had a lot in common with gradually become less important to us because either we have changed or they have, or most probably both of us have. Now I'm traversing the 80s I'm finding more and more that all I really want is my family and my own home and garden. Close friends have either passed away or moved away and really I don't have the energy or desire to build up new relationships. My family all live at a distance and in different directions so our main contact is WhatsApp or phone and I'm more than content now with my own company. Lovely if someone pops round, but ........
In your case, poohbear's suggestion of a 'quick bell' seems a good one. Good luck - your friends I am sure will appreciate the quick and undemanding contact.

Gran3rdgen, I wouldn't assume that they're depressed and hiding away. Covid is still with us - and still a danger to anyone elderly, especially those with health issues.

It makes sense to socialise less frequently. My sister in law won't see anyone unless they've tested first. She was 'brave enough to risk' a family wedding, though. So, it's a permanent change of view for her, not a yes or no to fun but a perceived and real risk to take.

Gran3rdgen* I just wonder as you get older do you do or want to do less socialising?

Yes. Oh my yes.

We've always held a dinner party every week or so, since we married, lots of gorgeous food, beautiful crockery, linens, sparkling crystal. Though I still lay a beautiful table for every meal - less sparkle, usually. And no other people apart from family, but a few times a year.

Big garden parties, all the pretty? Yes, but only 2x this year.

We're old - it's most often just family now. Business entertaining (Christmas and rain making) is in nice restaurants.

Yes things can change as we get older for many different reasons. We definitely have not lost interest in keeping in touch with family and friends. We see family on a regular basis but friends not so much as all of our circumstances have changed over the years. Friends of course are busy with their own families and especially with their grandchildren. Mr J has ongoing health problems as do some of our friends which makes socialising more difficult these days. We do what we can to stay in touch and to meet up as and when we are all able to.

I think friendships have changed since Covid also people's lives do change dramatically when grandchildren arrive , family is bigger and more demanding , we don't have any grandchildren yet but friends who do seem to make them their main focus .
We have been close friends with another couple for over 40 years but the effort to maintain the friendship was definitely from us , they inherited a lot of money and started mixing with groups of friends who lived the high life .We felt they had become bored with us and we felt they were trying to phase us out .
They were suddenly too busy , off doing this or that with the in crowd .
We speak occasionally and watsapp but things will never be like they were .
Life just shifts doesn't it and sometimes it takes friends with it .

Have to say since covid I have become more of a recluse. Happy to go and do this or that but very rarely have people in the house anymore.
Much prefer my own company and peace and quiet and find "being civilised" wears me out physically.
Why not try a phone call? Say to her along the lines of "I've got 10 mins to spare and thought I would give you a quick bell" and stick to the 10 minutes, short and sweet once a week /fortnight might be welcome?
They could be busy watching children while parents work.

I have lost touch with friends as I have found that I was always the one making the first move. A friendship should be 50/50. So I have let things drop, interestingly, no one came back to me. Obviously, they had “done” with me; I was no longer of any use! I don’t much miss them as I am quite happy with my own company.

How old are the grandchildren? I’ve found most friends don’t have as much time or energy for socialising until grandchildren grow up.

OH and I could be your friends in that in recent year’s we’ve slowed down and adopted a simpler life. We used to be typically busy with work, friends, family and all the social things you’ve mentioned but now we prefer more time on our own. When we see friends and family we have a great time but are always happy to be back home and doing our thing again. We aren’t depressed nor hiding away. There’s no problem. People change as they get older, that’s it. I’d suggest enjoying your friends company when you see them but don’t try to press them into doing more or you’ll run the risk of having them pull back entirely. At least, that’s my experience and perspective. I don’t know your friends but I’d guess they’d share any problems with you if they had any. Sadly, friendships change, you’ll have to accept that.

B9exchange

That is not something I have found, at least not yet, is it just the one couple? Maybe they are doing a lot of childcare and it is exhausting them. You could mention that you don't seem to be spending as much time together when you do next meet, and ask if they are needing help with anything?

Nice post. ❤️

That is not something I have found, at least not yet, is it just the one couple? Maybe they are doing a lot of childcare and it is exhausting them. You could mention that you don't seem to be spending as much time together when you do next meet, and ask if they are needing help with anything?