Lost loves. Should we say goodbye

this is a powerful question so many interesting stories. Mine is quite inexplicable..the first time I really fell for someone we wrote and met and holidayed for three years ages 18-21 in different places me London he small town in Germany. Totally totally smitten. then a silence I then recklessly had sex with handsome but slightly unstable follower...dreadful. parents asked me to leave home I moved in with handsome follower....then of course the love of life came back sent me telegram coming to London I said NO. He came. I met him told him it was too late. Never forgot him still the only man that had ticked all the boxes. So marry handsome man but he is a bit of a drug addict I do my best have a child after three years of marriage...then as he was never home I left and went north far away. He eventually came running so we got back I had another child. However when he was about 8 and I had graduated I wanted out...he was still addicted he was a full time job. I was pursued by very attractive younger man and finally gave in about a year later. He became good step dad but then his ambitions in music ran away with him and he started having affairs and the whole relationship was difficult...then he got MND so everyone left him except me. Really hard time...he was one where the progress of the MND was slow and six years later I sent a postcard to friend of first love in Germany whose address I happened to see ...it was 25 years. Months later I got a phone call at work from Berlin...it was original love of life telling me he wanted to see me. I refused a few times he sent me cards and tapes I got completely smitten and agreed to see him in London. I told him I was living with man with MND who I couldn't leave. He had blamed the failure of his emotional life on me...btw. He was divorced with a child from a different relationship living alone. Anyway I (foolishly ) agreed to see him in Berlin. I was captured he was cruel. After I came back he ghosted me ...and my partner (with MND) went off with another woman. So there I was alone. (menopause). Last child had gone off to Uni. Alone. Then about 15 years later I was clearing my mums house out in London, because I had her with me but she was ailing and had to go in nursing home, so I had to sell the house. I had borrowed a laptop and saw on Messenger that the original Lof life had been messaging me every birthday for years. I answered him and we were back friends at least, I thought. Dare I hope? mmm he kind of flirted and vanished till I became very cautious indeed. moving to now the situation is that last year I suddenly got annoyed that on my Facebook he kept commenting on my posts getting the time of our relationship wrong by years...so I privately messaged him and told him the dates and, for the first time, reminded him that it was he that had broken the relationship and it was too late when he came back. Bit like Tess of the Durbevilles. I thought he would agree and say how sad it all was but there you go we weren't free when we were young...etc etc..but no. He has broken all ties to me. Even destroyed his facebook page he's since put a new one up but has not invited me to be his friend. but he is a 'follower' on mine? Well you all might think this is a load of tosh. I don't think we will be saying goodbye to each other. we have broken each other's hearts too often. I remained friends with my husband and long term partner until their deaths just weeks from each other a dozen years ago. High romance is very dangerous stuff.

Mypennyfarthing41

Last year my darling husband of 60+ years died. We were so happy the whole time. Now, l don't know how l will continue without him. Im told he'll always be around - but l do not feel this. Also, there are those who expect me to 'move forward '
How does one cope?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have no advice to offer, save that if you start a new thread on the Bereavement forum you will get helpful replies. Sending you best wishes. 💐

My husband is my first serious relationship. I have no baggage. I don’t think of what ifs or dream of a life with another man.

I love my husband dearly but is he my soul mate or the love of my life?. Nah, I don’t think so.

Is it a good idea to contact the lost love of your life if he still has a living partner? What if she finds out and she gets really upset?

You many simply want answers about your past relationship which happened ages ago or some kind of validation that you meant something to him once and that he has not forgotten you.

She on the other hand, may think that all this is just an excuse to meet up and rekindled your past romance.

It's in the past, forget it and get on with your life in the present and cherish every day you are given.

My pennyfarthing.
There was a post on this very recently. Perhaps on 'bereavement'

When I finished my relationship with my first big romance I did it face to face and kindly as possible.
A year later when I arrived at the door of the Church for my marriage he was the first person I saw which was a bit disconserting.
Later when we moved overseas he contacted me to keep writing to him about my experiences - I never did.
I knew he married and had children and I caught sight of him a couple of times in our home town and we waved across the street.
I would never have contacted him to reminice over happenings from 50 odd years ago.
The thing is it would be like meeting up with an image of his father and I would be like that woman who you catch a glimpse of in a mirror - my mother.
So, a big fat no.

In my late teen, when I was a student , I fell for a tutor. I never ever told him, and I don’t know if he guessed. He was married anyway so nothing happened. However I have never forgotten him , although he died recently. Would I like to have met him again? ….Yes. Would I have told him how I felt? …Probably not. It would have been far too late. ….I just wish I had been braver all those years ago.

In my teens I could have followed two different paths. I chose badly. My unhappy marriage lasted 23 years. The other chap, who I hurt badly, married on the rebound and his marriage was short lived. I have been happily remarried for many years but I would one day like to apologise, though I would not attempt to do so unless widowed. I do however believe in an afterlife and may be able to apologise then. The sense of guilt and utter stupidity has never left me.

mabon1

It's in the past, forget it and get on with your life in the present and cherish every day you are given.

There's a saying:

Let sleeping dogs lie

Anyway, I'd hate him to see me now and think 'Phew, I had a lucky escape!'

This hit a nerve! I've never had an urge to contact old boyfriends, they never really cross my mind. I'm still friends and in contact with my ex-h, because we have shared children and GC. He's my "ex"-h because I realised I was gay after 10 years of marriage. Since then I've had a few serious partners, including my current partner, who I've been with for 14 years. But there's one woman, who I was with for only a few years, but who I've never forgotten, and never will. I adored her, and when she broke up with me, it destroyed me for a long time. But I've always longed to see her again, initially because I wanted her back, but latterly just to get answers, and maybe find closure. She's never far from my thoughts, even now, and it's been over 20 years. I never will contact her, though. I know she's now married (I assume to a woman, though I could be wrong), and I'm happy with my partner, who I would never hurt. So nothing positive could come from such contact. Seeing the thread title really hit home though....

OddOne, this struck a chord with me too. I have walked away from two marriages with men without a second thought. But my first real love was a woman when I was in my 30’s and I’ve been in relationships with women since that point for 38 years. I do wonder whether our relationships with other women are so different as we may have a better idea of another woman’s experiences and maybe how they work and that relationship breakdowns with another woman is all the more poignant and all the more painful. I too long to see that special woman who changed my life forever and thank her for the gift she gave me.

MissChateline, you could be right, it certainly feels that way to me, anyway. When I broke up with past boyfriends, and even my ex-h, it was upsetting (I think, with the ex-h, I was also upset that I'd made a promise, in our vows, when I married him, that I then broke when we separated. I don't break promises, so that really upset me. And of course, we had children to consider), but it wasn't until I broke up with 'her', that I experienced real hurt. Real, physical, pain that I've never felt before, or since. It wasn't that I hadn't loved my ex-h, I had, it just wasn't as intense. Previous, and later, relationships have also been more intense than any straight relationship I ever had, but not up to the level with her. And I think I'm glad about that! I don't think I'd cope! Lol!

I know how you feel. I went out with someone for nearly 17 years! I knew right from the beginning he never wanted marriage or children. I was also aware he went out with other women whilst going out with me. In the end he moved to London and told me , it was a chance for him to have a new life! Soon after that he went on holiday and sent me a postcard, so he still wanted to keep in touch. I also had meet someone else so decided to write him a letter saying I didn't want to see him again and another letter asking him not to come out walking with the walking group we both belonged to again. I very much regret writing the last letter. the following Christmas I received a Christmas card from his parents. It was obvious, he hadn't told them he was no longer in contact with him. I loved him and wished we could had remained friends. I married someone else and I had my first child at 38 and the second one at 40. I consider myself very blessed. I did write to him telling him how my life had turned out, with a birthday card but it was returned with the message 'Not known at this address.' I emailed him during lockdown but I have no idea if he read it. He is not on facebook. I recently sent him an 80th Birthday Card via Funky Pigeon, unsigned. He has never married or had children and I know exactly where he is. I would like to know if anything happens to him but I doubt if I will be informed. I have recently moved to another county, I did send him by email, my new address but I doubt that he opened the email. I would like to think he thinks about me sometimes. So as you can see, I have never got over my first love. The Serenity Prayer comes into my head: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

SporeRB

My husband is my first serious relationship. I have no baggage. I don’t think of what ifs or dream of a life with another man.

I love my husband dearly but is he my soul mate or the love of my life?. Nah, I don’t think so.

Is it a good idea to contact the lost love of your life if he still has a living partner? What if she finds out and she gets really upset?

You many simply want answers about your past relationship which happened ages ago or some kind of validation that you meant something to him once and that he has not forgotten you.

She on the other hand, may think that all this is just an excuse to meet up and rekindled your past romance.

I feel like you SporeRB. I care about my husband but our relationship is more like a brother and sister . Even my son has observed this. He no longer shows me any kind of affection.

There are answers about my past relationship I would like to know but never will. I am sure I meant something to my first love at some point in our relationship and I hope he hasn't forgotten me. Marriage with my first love, if it happened, wouldn't have worked out, as my mum observed, he would have upset me. I do still though care about him and I hope he is ok.