Paternal grandparents

I think it’s a similar reaction to blaming the Other Woman when a husband cheats. It’s easier to blame the outsider and focus anger there than to really accept the betrayal/rejection of someone you love.

I’m not saying that there’s emotional incest happening, to be clear. It’s just the best comparison of blaming a third party that I can think of.

all of that mercury. It’s as if people think heir adult children are somehow entirely incapable of being a part of the decision to keep them at bay. It’s always those early dils abusing their sons into not contacting them or giving dear mother anything they want.

M0nica

If it was SiL stopping their wives from visiting their parents, a great cry of domestic abuse would go up.

Why should we be accepting and understanding when it is DiL's supposedly stopping their DH's visiting their parents? Come to that why are so many men acquiescing with being their wive's poodles. Is it they way they were brought up.

AsInsaid before, I am not talking about families where there has been serious estrangement, but the run of the mill incidences where sons cant be bothered.

Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose!

I’ve heard accusations of abuse regardless of gender when parents aren’t getting the contact they think they should. Whenever I’ve heard someone talk about a strained relationship with their AC, the majority of the time it’s blamed on the partner. Estrangement the number seems even higher to blame the spouse.

Not a formal study, of course, just my observations.

If it was SiL stopping their wives from visiting their parents, a great cry of domestic abuse would go up.

Why should we be accepting and understanding when it is DiL's supposedly stopping their DH's visiting their parents? Come to that why are so many men acquiescing with being their wive's poodles. Is it they way they were brought up.

AsInsaid before, I am not talking about families where there has been serious estrangement, but the run of the mill incidences where sons cant be bothered.

Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose!

Harris27 ... son he has to live with your dil and will always side with her.

I disagree. Fully functioning adults capably do as they wish.

I gather, from people we know, the numbers are fairly equal in sons or daughters who walk away - for whatever reasons. Their spouse isn't doing the walking - the AC is choosing to estrange no forced siding.

I’m the mother of three sons you will always take a back seat. My advice back off and give yourself some thinking time. Don’t have a go at your son he has to live with your dil and will always side with her. Just be there and visit when you can accept the balance.

Smileless I know estrangement happens and it is tragic and I was not thinking about situations like that. I was thinking about the run-of-the-mill cases where grandparerents do not think they see grandchildren enough.

Surely if the relationship is anywhere near open and expressive before your DS forms a partnership and has children, then there should be no difficulty talking issues through afterwards. Obviously as in any relationship you talk in a manner that is acceptable and non-confrontational. Most parents surely know the best and most acceptable way to talk to their children that does not offend.

I taught my son's to stand up for their parents too but sometimes the mother gets her way anyway. Haven't you heard the expression that mother's are usually the gatekeeper for their children. As a child my mother was the gatekeeper and made sure we were closer to her parents and I have fond memories yet I wish I had been closer to my Dad's parents. My parents argued over time or lack of it with his family, but my mom got her way. Mother's ought to teach their daughters to be fair too. As a child I would ask to stay with my Dad's parents, but my Mom would tell me they didn't care. I don't think that was the case, but why would a parent tell their child that even if true. My Dad's Mother lived to be 101 years old and I got to spend a lot of quality time in later years and so glad I did. She was a wonderful woman

I agree that men should be responsible and I taught my son's to be that way. This still takes away from the deep hurt that paternal parents feel and to to discount how they feel just adds salt to the wound. From a childs perspective, it's hurtful too. I'm speaking from my own experience as a child whose mother made sure her own parents had a better relationship with myself and siblings. When I asked to stay with my paternal grandparents she would tell me they didn't care about me. My Dad's parents were in fact a loving and caring family. My Dad was a loving parent and tried to make things fair but it was fight with my mother and she usually got her way. Ultimately my paternal Grandma lived to be 101 yrs old and I spent the quality time in her later years that I would like to have as a child.

M0nica Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives.

Indeed. Rarely noted but entirely true.

Same with daughters and their husbands.

Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives. It's a very hard thing to have to face M0nica especially when there's total estrangement and you'd once been so close.

Regardless of the extent of any pressure from their wives/partners we have to accept that ultimately when there's little or no contact, they are the ones ultimately responsible .

Surely it says something about our relationships with our sons if they are happy to let their wives cut us out of their and their family's lives.

We live 200 miles from DS and DiL's mother lives 2 miles and in 16 years we have never felt excluded. DS and family come to us for part of each school holiday (the whole family is in the education sector), we usually visit at half term. I cannot envisage a situation where DS would accept his wife cutting him and their children off from his family.

As a DiL(aren't we nearly all) I think DiL's take far too much flak for unrecognised or unadmitted dissonances between mothers and sons.

I sometimes think that some grandmothers, in particular, tend to love, not wisely, but too well.

Hello all you lovely fellow paternal grandmothers
I’m almost crying reading this as I understand totally
I’ve been a bit depressed because I find treading on egg shells so draining so I don’t upset anybody to enable us to see our precious grandsons .. I’m having a blood test next week to see if I’m a bit low in vitamins or something but I know for sure some of my feelings are because I love our granbavies so much and sometimes I feel spiteful words are directed at me from one of my DILs
I don’t react .. I’m frightened to .. I could say more but would be here all night .. love our boys so much .. we see the 150 mile away ones as much as we can but the 30 mile away ones .. I get 3 hours .. that’s it .. here and there .. it bliddy hurts .. I keep telling myself to be grateful I’m still here to enjoy them and feel blessed after hearing of a friend and her husband who have passed away and they have two adult children and 2 grandchildren that they will never see again 😢 so I’m so upside down .. and feel guilty for complaining

We were so determined to keep an even balance between our respective parents, and I say parents, because they remain parents when they become grandparents, that it was my mother, who complained because we gave DH's parent's precedence.

We didn't, but DHs parents were non drivers, so he always collected them and took them home and I would often go for the ride.

What a lovely thoughtful granny 😊! X

V3ra - I think the relationships with the adults is the important thing.

I love spending time with my adult children - and when we have fun together, the grandchildren have fun as well.

I think many grandparents seem to want a whole new dynamic when the babies arrive. If the fun wasn't there before, where will it come from?

I think though that families tend to see each other about as often with grandchildren as they did before - so if you were in the habit of not seeing the couple very often then I feel that's likely to continue. Conversely, if you lived "in each-others pockets" then that will continue too.

I think this is a really interesting observation, and certainly food for thought.

Our experience is that we spoke often to, or saw a lot of, our adult children when they were single (especially the one who lived with us!).
Then when they met their partners and were building their relationships and homes we naturally took a step back and saw less of them all.

Now there are grandchildren in the mix in one case it's a balance of their family time, very important when both parents work, and building a relationship with the children.
I'd say we try to do this by being supportive to the parents, helping out when we can and offering to babysit when we visit so they can have some "couple time" if they want to.

RiverRun

I understand how you feel and am the mother of three sons and no daughters. Generally the wife makes plans about what the family does and frankly if she loves her husband she would want his family to be a part their life too. There seems to be this callous attitude to the paternal grandparents that if they feel hurt because they get treated unfairly then they should just appreciate what you do have and go on. I love my son's as much as people love their daughters. I made sure my in-laws saw my son's when they were growing up, just like my parents. What's fair is fair and people's feelings shouldn't be discounted. Someday, those women who treat their in-laws this way may be treated the same some day.

Why do you not believe that men are capable of maintaining relationships? It’s not the responsibility of their wives. Just because you chose differently doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to.

I’m raising my sons to be responsible for their relationships. They shop for gifts, cards, etc. We’ve talked about not expecting their future spouse to be responsible for holidays, birthdays, arranging visits, etc.

I genuinely don’t understand why grown men get to skate on the responsibility of maintaining relationships. They’re perfectly capable of all other adult things, but somehow relationships are too hard? Especially when most families need both partners to work in order to survive.

Nannashirlz

I’m also a mum of sons both have inlaws near by and I was over 300 miles away from both of them. I’ve moved closer to my youngest son a month ago. I now see my grandson every week. But him and his bro still stay at the inlaws house but my house isn’t ready for him to stay here yet. My other son I go and stay for a few days but they both did video calls every week. I normally get a tour of toys etc. don’t be jealous of inlaws they just want the same has you do for grandkids. Why can’t you move closer to them. I do struggle with my oldest granddaughter but she is a teenager so I keep on trying and one day she will look up out her phone and say hello lol. Building a bond goes both ways. I send mine a parcel once a month and I get pocket money stuff my youngest ones think it’s great to get a surprise box.

I stay in hotels or bed and breakfast when I visit my other son I get on with my dils and I want it to stay that way if you book early you normally get cheaper but I tend to stay in same place so I get a discount because I book 3 nights every two months

I’m also a mum of sons both have inlaws near by and I was over 300 miles away from both of them. I’ve moved closer to my youngest son a month ago. I now see my grandson every week. But him and his bro still stay at the inlaws house but my house isn’t ready for him to stay here yet. My other son I go and stay for a few days but they both did video calls every week. I normally get a tour of toys etc. don’t be jealous of inlaws they just want the same has you do for grandkids. Why can’t you move closer to them. I do struggle with my oldest granddaughter but she is a teenager so I keep on trying and one day she will look up out her phone and say hello lol. Building a bond goes both ways. I send mine a parcel once a month and I get pocket money stuff my youngest ones think it’s great to get a surprise box.

I live about 200 miles from my DS and family but so do my DiL's parents. We see our GC a similar amount as our children make sure that is the case. It can also be a matter of how pushy the grandparents are. When my children were young we saw much more of my in-laws than my mum, partly because of distance but also because they were more demanding. I regret not making more effort to visit mum more frequently as my children didn't have as close a relationship with her as with their other grandparents, but the distance was an issue along with my ex husband being reluctant to visit as often as I'd have liked. So it isn't always the paternal GPs who miss out. Back then video calls weren't a thing either. We have regular video calls now which is important when the distance is so great. Maybe make a habit of video calling regularly as well as asking your son to make visits a bigger priority.

These is another similar (though not the same ) thread.
The grandmother has now spoken to her adult son. I am 🤞 for them.

Perhaps you should speak to your son too Volunteer77

I wonder if your DIL doesn’t want the stress of having you stay with her nor to come and stay with you. Perhaps she finds it easier to have the children in their own home. Like someone else suggested why don’t you book accommodation near by for a couple of nights and ask if you can take them all out for a meal or visit a park or something. A day out with them all somewhere might be a good idea.
Of course your DIL is more comfortable with her parents that’s the way it is but maybe she senses that you are not so keen on her either. If you try and arrange a treat for them all perhaps that might break the ice. To be honest when you’ve got young children then staying in someone else’s house is a hassle as is having someone staying with you.

My DD has just had a baby. She’s given the baby the first name of her paternal grandma (my MIL), as a middle name, as she adored her.

She saw her other grandma (my mum) many many times over about 20 years, and her paternal grandma (my DH’s mum) a couple of times a year, if that.

It’s about the quality of the time spent together, not quantity.

Lol

American football season starts now

Are you aware of the term "football widows"?

Soccer in Europe elicits a similar obsessive response

Just an example of how sons/husbands/men do what they want