Feeling overwhelmed

Farview, I am going through exactly the same. Dh has had chronic fatigue syndrome for over 20 years, he now also has COPD and emphysema. I have been unable to get him to leave house since covid. My dear friend was diagnosed with blood cancer last year that no one was expecting. She was so ill at beginning of this year and we thought we were going to lose her. I went every afternoon to sit with her, but glad to say she has picked up after stopping chemo. However she still expects me to go, but I can't go everyday due to my husband also I am going through tests. I am absolutely shattered.

kittylester

I am sorry things are overwhelming, farview.

Lots of good advice re telling your family but can I ask if you have had contact with AgeUk, Alzheimer's Society, Social Services.

Can you 'buy in' help - cleaning, windows, painting etc. Have you done a benefits check - AgeUk can help qith that as can CAB.

Please don't struggle alone.

Yes, just what I was going to write - there are a lot of organisations out there who should be helping you.
And you mentioned that your husband wouldn't spend money. I'm sure that you you should be entitled to a Power of Attorney. The CAB or Social Services will give you the information on how to go about it.
And as someone said, I think, you really need to let your family know that it's time the table were turned; they should be supporting you, - doesn't mean you stop helping your family but they MUST reciprocate!!!!

An afterthought ...does your GP know what a struggle you're having? Make sure they do .

If nothing else, pick up the phone and pour out your feelings to Age UK or other similar group. See below.

Alzheimer's Society's Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. Age UK Advice Line on 0800 678 1602 (free) Independent Age Helpline on 0800 319 6789 (free)

with sympathy x

My circumstances similar but workload not as onerous as yours. When OH had a stoke on top of other ailments I was recommended to register as a carer. I was concerned if anything happened to me no one would know to visit and prep meals, meds etc. I registered, no allowance included, but have a carers card with numbers for people to call. A huge surprise was an annual payment to help with any tasks or anything that would make life easier for me. They can arrange a sitter for him if you need to get out alone. The Alzheimer’s organisation should point you in the right direction. I know it’s hard, get the help as it’s out there.

I’ve just found your thread farview and I’m so sorry to hear what has been going on recently with you. My goodness it’s no wonder you feel so overwhelmed - absolutely anyone would.

So much good advice on here already, especially about getting help with the essential house maintenance jobs.
Good advice too to sort out your finances so that you can pay for anything without running it past your husband first!

I hope your dog continue to bring joy into your life.

Please keep in touch.

Fairview your girl looks lovely.

I am so sorry to read about what you are coping with. One of these things on their own would be bad enough but, happening all at once, it is not surprising that you are feeling overwhelmed. First, you are suffering from a form of grief. Your husband is still physically alive, but he is no longer the same man that you have been married to for all these years. Is there any respite care in your area? Even if you have to pay for it, it would give you some much needed time to yourself to do something for yourself. Could be afford a cleaner? Even if it was only every other week it would take some of the pressure off. Surely your grandson could help out with dog walking, too. The rest of your family need to be much more proactive too. You cannot be expected to cope with everything in the way you always have without help. Finally, your age. At seventy you are no longer young. We look back at our parents or grandparents and we look and behave in a far younger manner than they did - my grandparents were definitely old by seventy - but the fact is that our bodies still slow down and we are not physically capable of doing the amount of things that we took for granted at thirty or forty. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after your husband.

So much thoughtful and helpful advice Farview, I have nothing to add, but send my best wishes to you and hope your days become a little easier 💐💐.
Your ‘girl’ is gorgeous!

farview

My girl..

I only wondered if the dog had been foisted on you and was one more thing to worry about farview, with all that you have to cope with.

But she's lovely and yes, they are calming and great companions.

Just sending you a hug. There's loads of good ideas for you to think about in other posts.

Yes, Farview, in your situation your lovely dog is a comfort, and the need to take her for walks is a chance for you to get away from your situation, clear your mind & recharge your batteries, a definite positive. And a dog can make you laugh when nothing much else can. She’s gorgeous!

Sending you best wishes x

She is lovely!

My girl..

My cheeky,loving, gorgeous cocker spaniel is definitely a comfort..shes so lovely and gentle..with adults and children alike...as I'm typing this...she is lay with her head on my knee...belly up for a stroke...calms me...obviously the problems are still there...but shes my 'space'..

Finally, please ignore the comments about re-homing your dog. He or she will be the one constant comfort in your life and will be there when you need him/her.
Phew, I'm glad you said that Dinahmo! I know its not for everyone, but a dog is great company, a comfort, makes you smile, makes you exercise, lowers blood pressure, improves mood etc.

I dont have money of my own and get a reduced pension as I was a stay at home mum as H worked all over the world in the.oil industry ...

I don't know if you have a joint bank account (as well as your own!) or if your DH has always taken charge of the household expenses farview, but it sounds as if you need to have a joint bank account for household bills, maintenance, perhaps a cleaner too, and apply for POA at some stage.

You sound as if you want to keep everyone happy, which is lovely, but you mustn't do that at the expense of your own health and happiness.

Control of money is very important to some men, especially as they lose control of other things. My BIL had Parkinsons and eventually his wife began to pay the bills. He did not like this and insisted on opening all the post. My SIL showed them to him and then put in a drawer, ready for payment. Invariably he would take them out of the drawer and either hide them or destroy them.

Fairview if you are a signatory on the bank account(s) do you need to ask your DH about any work done?

As others have said you should discuss this with your family because they may not be aware of the state of his health, or want to recognise it.

Finally, please ignore the comments about re-homing your dog. He or she will be the one constant comfort in your life and will be there when you need him/her.

I'm sorry about the loss of your close friend That can be very hard indeed. A mental hug from me goes to you.

I am so sorry, you certainly have got a burden to shoulder but you have already started taking action which is good, and you have friends to have some light relief with, which is important, and most of all, your dog walking over the moors.

I hope the Power of Attorney comes through quickly, then you can make financial decisions about essential jobs to be done, and include a cleaner in that, also a hairdresser.
(ps. tell the grandson to do his own washing, and clean some windows while he is waiting for the cycle to finish.)

Sending a gentle hug 🤗 farview x

It sounds like you are trying hard to make things easier. That is good. I think getting some of the jobs done that are worrying you will feel good too -even if a "white lie" is involved.
It is much better to have the work done if you possibly can than to become ill yourself with worry and overwork. As someone said above, that won't help anyone.

The sadness re your friend will have undoubtedly knocked you back too - and the news regarding your brother-in-law is taking its toll emotionally as you say. No wonder you feel low. Everything seems to have come st once.

Good though that you have found you can cut back a bit on your "daily" jobs. After all, how many jobs really need attention every day. And so nice to blow the worries away for a while with your lovely dog - having a legitimate "excuse" for walks is a bonus in times of stress.

Try, when you feel a little stronger, to address the "keeping warm" issue for the winter... I think you need to keep warm if you possibly can or everything will start to feel too much again. Being cold and exhausted is not good news.

Thank you for coming back and explaining a bit more.

I know your children aren't living nearby but can you still discuss the warmth issue with them? They know you, your home, and how you live - and may have some good ideas.

Thinking of you and your little friend 🐾

I am sorry that life has piled so much on you all at once. I hope that some of the suggestions on here will help you.

My late OH has dementias due to PD and I know how stressful it can be. I made sure, as you are, that there were times in the day when I had a break if I could and your walks on the moors sound essential - I am glad you have lovely views to lift your spirits. I too live with a beautiful view which helps so much when life gets on top of me.

Thank you all for your replies and advice...re my cocker spaniel who I've had for 4months...I couldn't/wouldn't be without her...I walk out of the door and over the moors with her and she is so good for me...I'd be lost without her now.
H ..still goes out by himself, walks,goes to the shop etc...his short term memory is gone...but the strong minded man that he always was is still there..he isn't a stage yet re carers,day centres...he wont take medication so memory clinic have discharged him...
I have very good friends but have told them I'm not piling all my woes on them..I want to chat and laugh with them but they're there if I need to cry...
Two children live overseas..one works mainly overseas but lives here..one is immersed in his own crisis atm...
GS who lives here works in Ireland and gets two days home in every fourteen..and then sees his fiancee..
I dont have money of my own and get a reduced pension as I was a stay at home mum as H worked all over the world in the.oil industry...
I've taken on board a lot of what you have all said..and will try to slow down a little...obviously my sadness re our dear friend and the prognosis for b.i.l is taking its toll..
Earlier..I made a sort of rota..not strict...re household jobs that I was doing every single day...no more...was wearing myself out physically and definitely mentally...and have pinned up on my freezer the poem ' dust if you must'...and wickedly I know...have got a chap coming ro give us a quote on some jobs that need doing..shall tell H we had talked about it and agreed 🙈...have also applied for LP A forms...on their way now..but seems they're taking approximately 20 weeks to process..
Again..thank you all and I shall be rereading all the posts 💐

I’m so sorry you’re so down, farview.

You say your dh ‘won’t spend money’ - do you not have access to sufficient funds? You certainly should if he is suffering from dementia. Assuming that you do, then frankly I’d arrange for jobs to be done without consulting him - and if he kicks off, let him. Tell him firmly that these things absolutely do need to be done, and you can no longer manage them.

As for having and feeding grandchildren (apart from the one who’s living with you) given what a lot you’ve got on your plate, IMO you should tell the family nicely but firmly that you’re exhausted, and you simply can’t do it any more - not on a regular basis anyway.

It’s high time you put yourself first. If you had a breakdown, who would look after your dh and everything else? When you’ve previously always been strong and coped with everything, family members do tend to expect you to carry on doing it, even when you’re no longer anything like young or even middle aged.
Time to put them straight.

Without wishing to be intrusive does your DH have to OK all your domestic spending?
You are 5 years younger than me and if I wanted or needed a cleaner, windows washed or whatever, I just did it.
It occurs to me that you might need to consider POA for your DH if it is not too late already with Vascular Dementia.
Wishing you well and I hope perhaps your AC can support you in this

farview I felt tired just reading your post.. think you are being taken advantage of… as others have suggested get some house help and sit down and let family know how you are not coping… my sympathies on your recent loss🙏

If your husband wont spend money, do you have access to any?

Is he able to make financial decisions anyway?
Ask your children what to do about the pointing and getting the house warm for the winter and explain about the money situationwith their dad... They may be able to help work these problems out if your husband won't (or can't) address them.

It is hard now - but if you tell those who love you I think they will help you.